Next top hero

The winner!

2007-09-23T18:34:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the season finale of Next Top Hero. We have had several contestants, in this game . But two have lasted to this the final episode.

Crater. A telekinetic who works for the Australian Suicide Squad like organization Project: Spearhead.

And the Nature Mage known as Thousand Faces. Who is the Godmother of Summer Dawn Of The O'Ciardha Clan.

Who will win this trophy?

Who is the one that the voters liked the most ?

Who is our winner?

Thousand Faces. You are the winner of Next Top Hero.

Everyone. Congratulate her! I'd like to thank all the players , and commenters on Next Top Hero. This has been fun.

Season finale

2007-09-22T09:15:00.000-07:00

We are now at the ending. The watcher will not be deciding this one. especially after we caught him doing this outside.

The winner will be decided by votes from you the viewers, And eliminated contestants are invited to send a vote to Supermanclarkent@yahoo.com.

The winner will be announced tomorrow night, at around 8 or 9 nine central time, barring technical difficulties.

Operation : Polar Opposite

2007-09-21T23:41:00.001-07:00

This was it. All of the trials, and the tribulations, the votes and the immunities, the fans and the naysayer’s: all up to this day.

I stood, tomahawks held in my hands, ready to fight, in front of the portal. Fake yellow and red feathers flapping in the wind coming from the portal. I was going to fight my opposite self.

Each step I took towards the portal caused my hair to whip even more violently around me. When I entered the portal I instantly smelled something that was a mix of garbage, animal carcass and Blockade Boy’s room.

The world was dark… Bizarro world as Superman called it. The contrast was seen immediately…

It was almost like a warzone. Nothing remained but rubble and smoke. The buildings were partially destroyed. I noticed something. The people were clothed in rags, and clearly starving.

When they started throwing refuse at me, I realized… They were jealous…

It wasn’t a realization of “I’m prettier then them” It’s a realization that they were starving and hungry. As trash struck my head, again and again. I knelt down, and I withdrew several seeds from my pouch, and I planted them.

Using my magic, I made all of the trees grow, and fruit. Apples, Oranges and Bananas, with not another word I walked by. They swarmed the tree, like bees. Grabbing fruit and eating happily.

I pulled a tissue out of my hair, and I walked towards the second portal. When I entered it, the world was reversed. It was archaic, with lush green grasslands. I was grabbed from behind by two people.

“Hello!” they shouted excitedly, “Welcome to our Village!” They took me into a nearby building.

“Your outfit looks uncomfortable and dirty…. Here!” The female said withdrawing one of my own Cherokee warrior shaman outfits, “Put this on after your bubble bath!”

After a nice relaxing bubble bath, I rose from the tub, found a towel, dried off, and put on my traditional outfit. I walked out of the room. Two sharpened tomahawks were handed to me, and I smiled at her, “Thank you.”

“Stop him,” was all she said.

She led me to another portal. I took a step inside.

The opposite world looked just like our own. But it was reeking of malignance. With the wind blowing my hair backwards, I smelled death on the air.

I looked ahead. Staring at my opposite…

I smelled, Necromancer.

He held a rod in his hand, and I held my tomahawks.

“We don’t know each other,” he said, “I am deaf, I cannot hear you. My name is Master of a Thousand Minds. Or, Thousand Minds, if you prefer.”

I signed out, knowing he could understand, ‘I am called, Master of a Thousand Faces, or Thousand Faces.’

“You know, we have to fight, Thousand Faces.”

‘I know,’ I signed out.

“I have no tricks… I will not defeat you through deceit or cunning. I want to face you head on.”

‘Thank you, I will not pull any stops. I assure you, with the resources at hand; I will put up quite a fight.’

“I know. But you should know there is a cemetery nearby.”

‘I expected as much.’

“Give it all you have.”

He started this combat by slamming his rod into the ground. A blighted area spread fourth from that, and I jumped into the air. I threw an ethereal tomahawk at him. He raised his rod, and an ethereal shield appeared.

I jumped backwards as it exploded. He strengthened his shield. I felt pain fill my stomach, as blood dropped from his mouth; he was raising the zombies from the cemetery. I looked at him, and raised my arms upward, and vines grasped his feet. Holding him tightly, breaking his concentration and his shield.

He took his rod again and from it balls of blight and sickness came flinging at me. I jumped into the air, and landed gracefully. I ran towards him, bringing my tomahawks at his head. He blocked with his rod, and he shoved me to the ground, He held the rod over my head and I rolled out of the way. The blighted ground was stinging my back.

I tripped him, and brought my right tomahawk down onto his wrist. His hand snapped off, but it was skeletal, and it pulled back together. I did a backwards summersault, and I stood on my feet. He growled, and burst of energy sent me flying backwards.

I hit something soft, and when it grabbed me and held me tightly in its grasp, and I heard the moan. I froze… It bit onto my arm, and its decayed teeth ripped through my flesh…

A green light formed over my wound, and healed it, and I kicked off of the zombie, sending it towards the ground. By the time this happened, he was already near me, and with a slam of his rod, a skeleton cage appeared around me.

I used my tomahawks in a windmill motion and I broke them. I leapt from it. Slamming my tomahawks into his arms. They shattered, but reformed. He slammed his rod into my stomach and ripped it open with the claws at the end of it, and green light healed my wounds… Focusing my healing.

The zombies from behind grabbed me, and he reached his skeletal hand and grabbed my face… I screamed in silence, having no voice to cry out my discomforts. He blasted me again, this time I landed in the garden in the park.

When I hit the sunflower seed, I was covered in little seeds. I drew upon the mana around me… Drawing the magic from the land… The whole areas warmth came to me, and with a burst of light, the seeds became a swarm of black beetles, and the crawled onto the zombie’s flesh and began to destroy and eat the flesh…

Thousand Minds leapt into the garden and with another force blast the seeds on the plants still went flying. He tried to strike me with the rod. I moved out of the way, and I slammed my tomahawks onto his arm, and as the rod went flying, I grabbed it, and threw it as far away as I could.

We exchanged glances for a moment, and when he went running for the rod, I threw ethereal tomahawks at his back. He hit the ground hard.

I ran up to him, and I went to remove his head, and he fell, a pile of bones.

I sighed, and fell onto my butt… That was rough… And that was just a copy of him… I had many back-ups of myself. I was afraid, that wouldn’t be the last I would see of him…

He fought in the old rules, like I often did…

I worked my way through the gates. Smashing them as I went through each one using vines, root systems, and my tomahawks.

Operation Polar Opposite – Success?

Great Balls of Finals

2007-09-21T05:58:00.000-07:00

I get there and I'm told that the whole final is being televised. There are interviews and I'm going to be wired up so that everything I do can be seen and heard.

Then there's Bizarro.
"Me am not happy you here." he begins "Me shamed by this race. It be bad day for Bizarro-world. Me wish you bad luck."

The crowd boos.

I'm at the start telling myself to get on with it. And in my ear I hear two voices.

"He really wants this Chief." says one to the other.
"Yeah he wants this as much an addict needs crack." says the other one called the Chief.

"Who are you guys?" I snap.

"Its Joe Strawberry and Lyle Big Chief O'Halloran. We're the commentators of this final. Your fully wired up, we can hear you and you can hear us." explains Joe.
"Chief here Crater you reckon you can beat Faces?" asks the Chief.
"Look I'm gonna give it a red hot go, pull out all the stops, y'know." I never realised that on the spot you really do answer in cliche's.
"So Chief, Crater looks like he's rip-roaring and ready?" illiterates Joe.
"He seems to have his head in the right place Joe. And remember half this game is ninety percent mental." comments the Chief.

The race starts. I get going.
"And there off!" Joe tells the blind viewers.
"And here comes the trash Joe!" shouts the Chief in excitement.

"Huh! What trash?" I look up and there up in the windows of the buildings are thousands of bizarro people throwing their garbage at me. I turn on my telekinetic aura which makes me nigh indistructable and the garbage just bounces off it. But the garbage changes as I race up the street. They start throwing books. I grab one. Its a trashy romance novel I remember my Mum reading.
"They're throwing romance novels!" says Joe stating the obvious.

"No not entirely." I contradict. "I just passed a copy of Dianetics. And there's the entire Spider-man clone saga."
"Was that a DVD of Daredevil staring Ben Affleck you just stomped on Crater?" asks Chief.
"Yes." I answer
"If you see Ben Affleck do the same eh?" asks the Chief.

Then all of the sudden there's a scream for help.

"Oh no! Its Jackie Collins they've thrown her out as well." cries Joe.
"Crater better save her or his rep as a hero is sunk." says the Chief.

The Chief was right. Also my Mum would never forgive me if I didn't save her favorite novelist.
I catch her easily. Jackie gives me a thank you kiss.
"Oh and there's a thank you kiss from the prolific novelist." comments Joe.
"Thats nothing!" downplays the Chief. "You should've seen the hicky she gave me back in '83."

As I continue up the street to the portal which will take me to the Alternate Universe, the trash changes. And I hear more cries from above.
"Oh no its raining white trash. Can Crater save them all?" asks Joe rhetohrically
"Joe the real question here is, should he save them." answers the Chief.
I catch Brittany, Lindsay and Kid Rock but I'm too late to save Pamella Anderson. She hits the ground face first and bounces straight back up and lands gently on her feet.
"Who'd have thought breasts had more than two uses." comments the Chief.
"There's more than one?" questions Joe.

After all of that I make it to the portal. I get through and standing in front of me doesn't look like me at all.

"Holy sex-change! Craters a she in this universe." remarks Joe.
"Honestly Joe if there was a hot version of me I'd tap that." adds the Chief.

"So your called Crater?" She asks me the same time I ask her.
"You first." I say.
"Wendy." she tells me slightly smiling.
"Warren." I reply. Then she throws a high kick at my head. I dodge it walk inside the kick and go to punch her in the face. My hand rebounds off her telekinetic aura. It puts me off balance and Wendy just pushes me over.
"Forgot about the telekinetic aura didn't you?" Wendy smiles standing over me. I grab her legs with mine and roll she joins me on the ground.
"Nice to see you at my level." I tell her. I get on top quickly.
"Wrestlings a good idea." comments the Chief."Warren's heavier than Wendy the odds favor him in a wrestle."
"Yeah and Wendy looks like she prefers being on top." adds Joe.
"Women like that?" asks the Chief.
"Get off me!" spits Wendy. She writhes desperately under my significant weight advantage.
"Say Uncle?" I taunt.
"Never!" yells Wendy and her knee finds my manhood. I wince a bit but I'm OK.
"What are you a Eunuch?" she asks, amazed that I'm not writhing around in pain.
"Box. Never fight crime without it." I tell her.

"For our American audience a box is a cup, an abdominal protector." informs Joe.
"A box? Its not square." questions the Chief.

"You don't put you balls in a cup Chief. And if you do I'm never drinking at your house." I tell him.

"Who are you talking too God?" asks Wendy.
"God would be less annoying." I reply. "So I win?"
"Yes." she growls.

"And its over fans." announces Joe. "Our boy got through the trash, won the fight. All we need to wait on is the final decision."
"Gee this changes everything, I've never seen it that way before." says the Chief. "Women like being on top."

Final challenge

2007-09-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

Superman: This the final challenge.

Crater : We know what is it this time?

First you have to go to Bizarro World where you will meet Bizarro world fans in a parade /slash race. The problem with bizarros is instead of throwing confetti they with throw trash and try to impede your progress.

Thousand Faces : And the winner of the race wins the show right?

Superman : Not so fast. At the end of the race is a portal to Earth 3. More popularly know as the "Evil Universe." On the other side my evil counterpart Ultraman is holding a contest called Next Top Villain.

You will battle with your evil doppelgangers, and go in to the portal on the other side of the evil Bizzaro World Square.

Crater: What are evil bizzaros like?

Superman: I have no idea.

After you get back to this Universe you will face off with your archenemy. When you defeat him or her the challenge is over. But the Watcher will not judge this round. The winner will be determined by the viewers and eliminated contestant vote.

Final Elimination.

2007-09-16T21:00:00.000-07:00

This vote has been very close. But with the combined votes of the viewer poll, and the And the contestant vote, One person will go home and the other will go to the finale.

Drum roll please........

The one going home is

wait for it

Why is the result in the in an adamantium box ?

I have the it open.

The one who was eliminated is...

Jan The final challenge is coming soon.

Final Elimination.

2007-09-15T21:04:00.000-07:00

Due to some technical difficulties,this judgement is a little late.

Jan: You did save you town , who knew Topeka was that exciting.

Crater: Too bad Streaky betrayed you there.

Thousand Faces: A great battle you protected your village very well. That is why you are going to the final round.

Now this is the final elimination. Every contestant that has been eliminated is invited to vote at Supermanclarkent@yahoo.com.

And here is the voter poll. Who will not join Thousand Faces in the finale?

The Watcher has spoken. Farewell.

Jan: Disorder in the House (Part 2)

2007-09-14T16:08:00.000-07:00

Mayor Wilkins drove me in his four door sedan to Topeka’s city hall. Once there, he showed me a small office that he had set aside for me.

“Here you go,” he said. “It’s got all your crime fighting needs right here: there’s a police band radio and a computer with Internet access and there’s one of those little refrigerators. I had my secretary fill it with protein bars and juice boxes. This place has everything you could want for a base of operations. That is, unless you want to use a secret cave or satellite or something.”

“No, this will be fine,” I smiled. “So, uh, maybe I should go on patrol or something, huh?”

“Aw no, don’t worry about it until tomorrow,” Wilkins waved his hand. “I’m sure crime can wait. Why don’t you concentrate on getting yourself settled.”

“Well, OK, I guess,” I shrugged.

“So tell me, Jan,” Wilkins smiled in a real friendly manner. “What kind of super hero are you? I mean, what kind of powers do you have?”

“Ah, well I’m really good at flying,” I answered.

“You mean you can fly like Superman?”

“No, I mean I’m a good pilot.”

“You mean you don’t have any powers?”

“Nope,” I shrugged.

“No super strength?”

“No.”

“Energy beams? Magic talismans? Anything?”

“Afraid not,” I shrugged again.

“That’s too bad,” Mayor Wilkins sounded disappointed.

“Hey, there are all kinds of heroes who don’t have powers,” I said. “Like Batman, Green Arrow, uh, Hawkeye, that other Green guy.”

“Fine, fine I guess when it comes to super heroes, I’m just an excitable boy,” he dismissed the subject with a wave. “Well, it is getting late. I’m going to head home for a nice glass of milk. I’ll see you here first thing tomorrow. That is, unless you’re out fighting crime or something.”

“Well, we’ll see,” I smiled.

“You!” Something from the shadows appeared in front of us. “I want Mohammed’s Radio. You will give it to me!”

“What? No, get away from me!” Wilkins screamed.

I got a look at what was looming over us. Chalky skin, long fangs, demonic grin. I’m guessing that this would be a vampire. I pulled out my blaster and aimed it at him.

“It’s getting kind of late,” I sneered at him. “Maybe you should be running along now, maybe get some beauty rest. Some serious beauty rest.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” he growled in reply.

“I can arrange that,” I said nodding towards my weapon. “Now back off.”

“Your gun can’t harm me!” The vampire lunged at me and I fired a beam of pure photons right into his face, burning it clean away.

“Hello,” I said at the headless creature slumped to the ground. “What do you think sunlight’s made out of? Photons, duh.”

I have to admit, it looked pretty cool. I don’t know enough about vampires, so I could only assume that he can regenerate because I didn’t actually hit him with sunlight. Watching him burn was worth it, though.

“Ever see that, mayor?” I grinned smugly. Then I looked around and didn’t see him anywhere.

“Help me!” I looked and saw another creature running away with Wilkins thrown over his shoulder like a proverbial sack of potatoes.

I quickly gave chase. Though I couldn’t catch up, I didn’t lose them either. In due time, the creature hauled the mayor into a deserted warehouse.

“Of course a deserted warehouse,” I mumbled to myself. But I’m there hero -- I’ve got to go in there.

I ran in after and saw the mayor standing on some sort of plank over a giant swirling, flaming hole in the ground. Surrounding the hole were a handful of creatures, cackling and laughing. I pulled my weapon and aimed it at the mayor.

“What the frack are you doing?” I demanded.

“Stay back,” he warned. “You have no idea what’s going on here. Do you know what this is? It’s a Hellmouth.”

“A portal to Hell?” No way. It couldn’t be.

“I’m the only one who can do this!” he yelled.

“Don’t!” I yelled back over the roaring of the portal. “Don’t make me shoot you!”

“Get him!” A voice to my side shouted. “Shoot him!”

I looked and it was Flabber.

“What are you doing here?” I growled.

“I told you,” the children’s show host replied. “He’s trouble! Don’t you see what he’s trying to do! He’s going to open it up!”

“No!” Mayor Wilkins fished into his coat and pulled out a small metal box decorated with runes and attached to a chain. “This is Mohammed’s Radio! Penuriosus, Penuriosus Pitiful Mihi! Vultus pro Tunc Optimus Res!”

I yelled and tried to reach towards the mayor, but my movements seemed to slow down to a crawl. Time ground to nearly a halt. Then the Hellmouth flared up and receded back to nothing. Many of the creatures surrounding the pit disappeared with it while others collapsed in agony.

“No! You fool!” Flabber shouted. “How could you?”

“Close it?” Mayor Wilkins beamed while letting the device swing back and forth on its chain. “It was easy, really.”

“You are willing to sacrifice yourself like this?” the children’s show host growled. “Then you will be destroyed! Accidentally like a martyr!”

“Wait a minute,” I said, starting to piece together what was going on.

“I will destroy you, too,” Flabber pulled out a talisman and began to grow into a demonic form. “You will be the sacrificial lambs!”

“Like Hell I will,” I growled and opened fire on him with my blaster. Flabber stumbled back, dropped the amulet, and fell to the ground while reverting to human form.

“Groovy,” I said.

Using his cell phone, Mayor Wilkins called the police who arrived on scene to escort Flabber away.

“You know, Flabber warned me about you at the airport,” I said, then I chuckled. “He said there was more to you than meets the eye.”

“I suppose that’s true,” the mayor grinned. “I’m like any other mayor of a small city: I’ve got lawyers, guns, and money. Unlike other mayors, though, I’ve got the means to close dimensional portals to hell.”

“Well what about Mr. Bad Example over there,” I indicated towards the white-faced man in the back of the squad car. “He’s the one who opened the Hellmouth, right?”

“Yes,” the mayor nodded. “He’s been working on it for years. Opening it up slowly, bit by bit. I knew I was the only one who could close it, but I had hoped that I’d at least get a super-powered hero who could help me.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” I grinned.

“I think I’ll get over it,” he grinned back. “You’re the best super hero Topeka’s ever had. Seriously.”

“I don’t know if that’s a compliment or an insult, but I’ll take it as a compliment,” I replied. “I just hope that the rest of my week here is a little less exciting than my first night.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,” the mayor smiled. “Topeka’s just like any other quiet, uneventful city. Except for the Hellmouth, which is now closed, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Right,” I smiled back. “Nice and quiet.”

“Say, my son and his band the Envoy is playing tonight at the Factory,” the mayor said while looking at his watch. “You should hear it when Johnny strikes up the band. They can play it all night long.”

“I’d like that,” I smiled. “Let’s go.”

“You know, you’re going to look a little out of place with that outfit on,” Wilkins looked me up and down.

“I know, don’t tell me,” I sniffed in reply.

“Here, this will help,” he pulled a hat out of his pocket and handed it to me.

“A raspberry beret?” I asked. “I don’t think so.”

Salt Lake City Hero

2007-09-14T06:57:00.000-07:00

"Salt Lake City?" complains Crater as he holds Uranus in his hands.
"All cities need a hero, Crater." chides the man of steel. "Now you can choose a sidekick and get ready to defend the Crossroads of the West."
Warren is given two choices. Gingerbread Woman and Streaky.
"What am I doing here? I'm just an actor." complains Sandra Bullock and she runs out of the Hall of Justice never to been seen again.
'That leaves me doesn't it Warren.' taunts Streaky telepathically.
"Ok I'll take the super-cat." grumbles the new hero of Mormon-town.

The Mall. A hive of activity with people busy living their lives buying and selling. Living the commercial capitalist life that they were born to live.

In the food court Warren Schnieder and his cat Streaky are having lunch.

"This just looks so stupid. People are looking at me as if I'm nuts!" complains Warren who is also the Australian hero Crater.
'At least the Narrator has stopped calling you plucky.' comments the super-cat telepathically.

When suddenly the consumer bliss is broken by screams ringing out. The crowd surges running away from what has panicked them.

"ugh! I better see to this." says our hero as he picks his way through the panicked consumers.
When he is finally through the crowd he comes upon The Purple Cobras.
"Ok lets just wind this all down. You guys are obviously the villains and I'm the hero so if you just follow the script I can get back to having lunch with my cat."
"You have lunch with your cat?" jokes the large Cobra Me'shell
"My cat can kick your ass. Streaky get him!" commands our hero. But nothing happens.
"You're going down Hero, you're going down like a sweet muffin!" cries the short one with the mullet."Get him!"
One by one they charge Crater but its of no use. Our hero is too strong for them.
"*Gasp* You made me bleed my own... no one makes me bleed my own blood!!!" screams the little man.
Later after the authorities have taken the Purple Cobras to gaol, Warren returns to the food court to make a shocking discovery.
"Streaky where we're you? I thought you promised Supes that you'd help.....me." Warren pauses cause stoned out of his mind on catnip is Streaky.
'Hey dude. How's it hangin'?' says the stoned super-cat.
Just as our hero is about to chastise Streaky he's interrupted by a brick.
"People think just because I have a telekinetic shield and I can't be hurt, they can throw anything at me. Thats the third time this week some kids thrown a brick at me." he complains.
'Warren there's sumpin tied to the brick, dude!' slurs Streaky.
Who is the strange Mr C and what does he want with Crater.
"Man is that Narrator always statin' the obvious?" asks the still stoned super-cat.

Later at the meting place set by Mr C.
'Its a trap Warren. You do know that?" questions the catnip addict. "Hey I'm not an addict I'm in total control. I can stop whenever I want to."
"Are you sure?" questions Warren who dangles a small plastic bag in front of the super-cat.
'Mmmmmm! Catnip, delicious Catnip. Precioussssss' salivates the adicted super-cat. Who slowly reaches up his paws towards the bag of catnip. The with a quick flick of his wrist Warren sends the bag out into the middle of the alley.
"Oh dear!" exclaims Warren sarcasticly."Someones going to have to get it."
'No worry.I'll get it!' Streaky does as his name suggests and races out into the open and deserted alley. Carefully he opens the plastic bag.
'This is just mint you tease!' he accuses but suddenly.
"Get the cat if its here Crater can't be far behind." shouts someone. And the alley is filled with big guys with guns. They circle Streaky their guns aimed squarely at the cat of steel.
"C'mon out Crater or we'll kill your cat, squash him flat and make him a hat." rhymes the leader.
Crater emerges from his hiding place.
"Ok ok just don't shoot the cat, or squash him flat. And please please..... Streaky kick their asses and I'll give you some catnip."
"That doesn't rhyme?" complains the leader of the big guys. He doesn't get a reply as he's hit by a whirlwind of feline fury. Its over quickly. Streaky purrs and licks the blood off his paws on top of a pile of unconscious bodies.
'I do get something in return for this dirty work don't I?' questions Streaky quite pleased with himself.
"Sure!" replies Crater and throws Streaky his kitty narcotic.

Elsewhere in Salt Lake City someone is planning our heroes doom.
"Look at that stupid Australian little does he know the plans I have for him. Bwhahahahahaha!" laughs the villain in the shadows where can only see that he's not very tall.
"'Little does he know' Thats funny boss." chuckles one of the henchmen.
"Why do you think its funny?" questions the villain in the shadows.
"Cause you know little does he know the plans you have for him. And your not so tall aren't you boss." explains the henchman."Observation humor. You know like Sienfeld."
"Observation. Humor. Well then observe this!" screams the little villain as he shoots the henchman in the head.
"Let that be a lesson to the rest of you. Bwhahahahahahahaha!" laughs the diminutive villain.

Elsewhere Crater is trying to find out some information of the mysterious Mr C.
"So you don't know anything about Mr C Orgazmo?" sums up Crater.
"Nope. I only fight Neutered-Man, its a struggle that the Lord has given me." replies the pink clad super-morman.
The disappointment continues for our hero as he goes from source to source trying to find out who Mr C is.

When he arrives back at his base of operations he finds something not quite right.
"Okay the doors broken in. There's only two answers, Streaky's found where I hid the catnip or..." pauses our hero as he bravely walks into his dingy motel room. In the shadows a small figure stands.
"Mr C if I'm right." concludes Crater.
"Yes its me and if you'd just put your hands up we'll get on with your execution." The figure raises an automatic rifle and steps out of the shadows to reveal.
"Gary Coleman!" says Crater stunned. "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Your hahaha! the hahahahaha BIG Mr C. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sigh!"
"Laugh it up Aussie eat hot lead." the small child star fires repeatedly at our hero.
-Click-click-click-
"As buggs bunny would say. No more buh-wets." lisps our hero. He walks confidently up to the ex-child star. "I got a telekinetic aura. Means bullets don't hurt ugh!" Our hero is knocked over from behind.
"Oh I know about your abilities. I also know there's only one animal who can take you down." Gary smiles.
'Sorry Crater its nothing personal its just business.' apolgises Streaky.
"What! How did this happen?" complains Crater.
"Oh you showed me in the alley your Achilles heel. I just made Streaky and offer he couldn't refuse." Gary still smiles. "Streaky take out the white-trash."
Oh no the agony. The sheer horror. Our hero is being put out by the cat.
When suddenly the plot twists in the favor of justice.
Rrrrrrrooowwwww! groans the cat of steel.
"Oooooo!" moans the evil midget.
"Who? How? Gee they're both smiling." comments Crater curiously. He turns to see standing in the door."Orgazmo. Thanks...I think."
"Hey if we heroes don't stick together, evil will have its hands on the joystick of doom." concludes Orgazmo."
"Yeah. Sure." agrees our hero.
With the city saved and the cat of steel revealed as an evil pussy-cat, we bid you all goodbye.

Jan: Disorder in the House (Part 1)

2007-09-13T18:22:00.000-07:00

Ouch.

Stupid planet smacked me in the head.

I guess that I should count myself lucky that it was Venus. Imagine Jupiter flying at my head. Or Saturn with those rings.

It’s still pretty stupid.

Though I have to admit that I don’t expect much more from a group of people who seem to like wearing long sleeves and short pants for their outfits. I don’t care what century you’re from, that just looks bad. The irony that I’m wearing something like that myself is not lost on me.

I took the model of the planet and looked at what was written on it.

Topeka?

As in, Topeka Kansas?

Well, once again I suppose it could have been worse like Blüdhaven or New York -- all the crazies hang out in New York. I guess I’ll just hang out there and relax for a week. It’s Kansas for the Queen’s sake, what could go wrong?

Famous last words, right?

I flew the Pegasus Elite to Philip Billard Municipal Airport and was met at the terminal by the mayor himself.

“Good morning, welcome to our fair city,” he said while shaking my hand very politician-like. “I am Mayor Wilkins and I am very, very glad to have you joining us for this week.”

“Sure,” I mumbled back. “Glad to be here.”

“Unfortunately, I have to say that you may find your stay rather uneventful,” the mayor shrugged. “We do like it quiet around here. No riffraff allowed as they say, ha ha.”

“Yeah, well I don’t mind quiet. Really.” Somehow I doubted that it was going to be this way, but wouldn’t it be nice if it was?

“Well well, if it isn’t Topeka’s favorite son!” the mayor proclaimed happily as an unusual looking man walked past. “Flabber how are you doing?”

“I am well,” the man replied. “I just got back from a weekend in Tahoe and boy are my arms tired! Wait.”

“Ha ha, oh Flabber you slay me,” Wilkins nearly fell over with laughter. “Say, I want to introduce you to Topeka’s newest super hero, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator!”
“Pleased to meet you,” I shook his hand while looking his face up and down.

“Likewise,” he smiled warmly. “Please excuse the makeup. I host a popular children’s show here and am now on my way to a grocery store opening.”

“Wow, sounds like fun,” I answered with a little dryness.

“Yeah, the good folks here can’t get enough of me,” he chuckled back. “Such is the fate I have chosen for myself.”

“Indeed,” I nodded.

“Aw, don’t let this guy get to you,” the mayor laughed. “He’s got the best show in the tri-county area. Everyone loves him. Really, really loves him.”

“Yep, that’s me,” Flabber smiled wanly. “Say Jan, may I have a word with you in private? You know children’s show host to super hero?”

“Sure, why not,” I shrugged. And joined him a few paces away from the smiling mayor.

“I wouldn’t trust the mayor if I were you,” Flabber said to me in a hushed tone.

“Why not?”

“Let’s just say that there’s more to Mayor Wilkins than meets the eye,” Flabber said mysteriously.

“Oh, is he a Transformer or something?”

“What? No, no,” Flabber let out a long breath. “Look, I would just keep on my toes if I were you. That’s all I’m saying, OK?”

“Sure, whatever you say.” I wanted to dismiss the clown’s warning, but something about it stuck to me. I couldn’t figure out what it was though.

“And when you get a chance, ask the mayor what happened to the mayor before him.” Flabber strolled away whistling a tune to himself.

“Allrightee then, ready to go?” Wilkins said suddenly at my side.

“Yeah, sure,” I answered. “Say mayor, what happened to the mayor before you?”

“Nelson Linseed?” the mayor looked surprised, but he didn’t have any problem with what he said next. “Unfortunately, he was torn in two by werewolves.”

“Werewolves?” I gasped.

“That’s right,” Wilkins nodded. “In fact, they were a mercenary gang of werewolves from England.”

“You mean they were—”

“That’s right; they were the Werewolves of London. They came all the way from Zevon Warren. You should have seen poor Nelson when those monsters got through ripping him in half, why he became a Half Nelson, ha ha, get it? Oh that’s such a horrible joke.”

“You’re right, it was,” I said grimly.

Maybe Flabber was right, there is more to this mayor and his little burg than meets the eye after all.

Operation: Soseru

2007-09-12T22:49:00.000-07:00

I hadn’t heard of the planet, “Soseru”. Well, I hadn’t until it came hurling at my head at fifty miles an hour. When it hit, it knocked me to the ground.

I was headed to Bydown, on the lush fielded planet of Soseru. I had to fly on a transport ship. I didn’t want to go; I find it ridiculous that people around here can’t keep their feet on the ground.

~*~

It took over three days to arrive on Soseru. Once I had, I was greeted by the Soseruians. They were a snake people, and when they saw me, they all greeted me in their traditional way.

The Soseruians were a shamanic and warrior people. I could tell we would get along right away. They stood taller then me. Which was saying something, I was a tall woman, I stood “A good six feet.” These people had another foot on me.

They didn’t have the traditional tails. They had legs, and they had four arms. Covered in scales from head to foot, fangs jetted out over their lower lips, and they had long tongues. When they spoke, they surprisingly spoke in English, “Hello, warm-blood.”

The ship took off and they lead me into Bydown. Bydown was a small village. It was on the edge of a forest and had a stream running through it. They showed me the town, they were tribal, like my Seneca brethren on earth.

They hunted, gathered and farmed. There were no huts bigger then other huts, save for one. My guide, a tall strong faced woman, told me it was The Hatchery. Inside was the young. They were all kept in one building, and they were guarded by one snake maiden. A woman who never knew a man’s touch.

It was said that her touch wouldn’t corrupt the eggs. I was confused by this, She was just one maiden. I looked at the leader, he noticed this confusion.

The leader of the village, ever patient with me, spoke, “I bet she could make you bleed warm blood.”

I stared at the woman, she looked at me, with two movements of her hand, and a leap, she was up, and ready for war, the gentle and maidenesque clothes she wore, into war-gear, and I have to tell you, I think she could have defended the hatchery easily. She calmed down, straightened her clothes, and sat back down.

“By nature, Warm-Blood, we are all warlike. We have to be,” the leader said.

His wife joined him, she looked fatigued, she smelled of rice, and her fingers were raw, “This is my mate,” he said, “She is in charge of the farming. I am in charge of the hunters.” He led me to another hut, inside there were hunters, the men of the village. They had bows and swords, “Warm blood, we hunt birds and stags.”

I nodded, and he continued, he took me to another hut. Inside of the hut was the shaman. I could tell instantly, and she looked up to me, eyes flaring with spirits. She stared past me to the village leader, he ran from the hut, and I heard an alarm called for the village.

I ran outside, and I saw in the distance a great white cloud. It came closer, hundereds of wings were beating. With a sound change, I saw a black cloud come towards the village. Arrows hit all around the village, and I had to hit them away.

They swooped, and they flew fast and low towards the ground.

They had their bows back, and they began to volley arrows on the village. I saw the hunters in the woods, they were waiting. They blew the horn and these hawk people, turned and flew fast and low towards the forest.

I ran along the ground, following the birds.

I looked into the trees, the warriors were ready, they leapt from the trees, landing on the backs of birds, and arrows were released at the snakepeople. I jumped into the air and landed on one of the bird’s back, and had the bird woman fly into another one and sent them both plummeting to the ground.

From there I leapt onto the next one’s back. I kicked snapping its wings, sending it towards the ground, and the leader of them, a bird who looked more like an owl then a hawk, saw me leap towards it.

It screeched, and from that, the birds retreated back into the skies. Leaving me plummeting towards the ground. I was caught, by the Village Leader.

“Very good warmblood… Very Good… But they will be back… And in greater numbers.”

~*~

Over the next week I was there, I learned about their culture. It was so much like mine, it was frightening. I learned about their differences. They came from the same hero of old. Two children were born, twins. One was feathered, the other scaled. They disagreed and fought for years until they split to make their own tribe.

This rivalry has continued throughout the ages, and will continue, said the chief. But each time they meet for peace, they agree on another topic. Thankfully for both sides, they have agreed to stop the attacks on the hatcheries.

But the Leader explained, he didn’t trust them, which is why the Snake Maiden still learned to fight.

The shaman warned the village again of the next attack, this time I was prepared, as were the rest of the warriors. The same cloud happened, and the same volley of arrows. I batted them away, and I concentrated on a form.

When I rose form my transformation I dwarfed the village tenfold, and I flew in the air towards the attacking birds: I used my massive tail to whip at the birds, and I opened my mouth and released an acidic breath all over them.

The snakes of the village returned fire with their own bows and arrows. The birds fell all around me, as I ripped into them in the air. Finally, the leader of the birds, flew towards my mouth, stared at me, screeched, and flew back away from me, heading towards his home in the cliffs.

Outside of the village, I morphed back into myself, the Village leader walked up to me, gave me a hug, and there was cheer throughout.

I had succeeded.

The transport ship came back soon after, and as a parting gift, the leader gave me a lock of his own hair, a small medicine pouch, filled with several magical herbs from this planet.

Defend the Soseruians – Success

The Semi Final

2007-09-09T19:36:00.000-07:00

Superman: And now we are down to three.

Crater: Again with the cliche's mate?

Jan: What kind of perverts are you going to send my way this time?

Superman: The ones you capture. In front of you is the Planetary Chance Machine the Legion Of Superheroes used to use to choose who would go on missions. As you can see, The solar system spins around until a planet hits flies off and hits you.

Thousand Faces : That's stupid.

Superman: I know. Back when I was a member I always thought they were messing with me . With there " You just don't understand our30th century technology ape man!"

Crater: Are you gonna be cryin' about your past all day?"

Superman: No. You see I have a written a city's name on one of the planets when you get hit by one you will defend that city for one week against crime alien invasion Etc.

Jan: Do they hurt when they hit you?

Superman: Never have hurt me, but then again I'm invulnerable.

Jan: Great.

Superman: There are a few rules, Don't kill. Don't let your city be blown up, and finally if you have a sidekick don't beat them too badly.

Now a message form our sponsor.

Kon-El: Surround sound system $500

New TV $600

Not having to listen to Bart tell me about transformers VS GI Joe Priceless.

The best things in life are free for everything else there's Hero Card.

challenge 6 elimination

2007-09-09T19:22:00.000-07:00

It's time for an elimination.

Who was it that whose side kicking skills were lacking?

Who maybe be a little too close to the Dark Side?

Who is this week's Chosen One?

Skywalker. Turn in your costume.

Next challenge is coming soon.

The Watcher's Judgment 6

2007-09-08T19:24:00.000-07:00

Now is time for the judgement.

Thousand faces: Not sure the challenge was to murder the hero

Jan: Or beat him.

Skywalker: Well you seem to have the worst one don't you? We;re lucky you didn't lightsaber him.

Crater :I'm not really sure how you into a campy tv show butyou did well in it.

The winner this time is Crater. Here is the viewer poll.

Contestant send your votes to supermanclarkent@yahoo.com.

Operation: Mr. Inappropriate

2007-09-07T20:35:00.001-07:00

I received a letter from home.

Aurora,

Hey… We all miss you back here. I’m having a rough time at school. Having to do everything without your help is hard. I’ve hard to heal a gash using my dad’s old herbal remedies… School isn’t going well. It seemed the moment you left everything started going to hell.

Come back soon,
Love you,
Summer Dawn

“Hey there! What are you doing?!” The door had been opened, and I wiped my tears from my cheeks, and there was Mr. Inappropriate

I shifted forms. I took the form of Kera d’Epee, “Reading a letter from home.”

“Oh, bad news?”

“Yes- I’m afraid-“

He started laughing really loud, “That’s hilarious.” He walked around the room, “By the way I support the chopping down of rainforests.”

I looked at him, he smiled, I yelled, “How about I cut into you?”

I drew me Tomahawks, and held them poised and ready to strike, “Tomahawks! That’s cute. Look at you enforcing the stereotypes placed on you by the cowboy and indian movies. A Seneca using tomahawks… Ha!”

“I’ll scalp you.”

“Classic.”

“How about I use these two-“

“Sure, take off the shirt and use them!” I slapped him across his face, and he smiled, “Ooo, I like it when you’re rough.”

“I’ll kill you!” I screamed.

“Oh yeah, you’re a woman, how can you kill me?”

I growled… I grabbed him and morphed him into a rabbit. He leapt towards my foot, probably to do Inappropriate things to it.

“Hey, Doofus,” I said, “You ready? I got terrible news for you… Rabbits are a certain groups favorite food…

“My little Pony Apocalypse Ponies, Raining Death From Above!”

The next part wasn’t very pretty… If you’ve never heard a rabbit scream, you should sometime.

Deal with Mr. Inappropriate – Failed (Due to death of subject.)

close talker

2007-09-06T20:18:00.000-07:00

He comes running at me and gets right in my face, which I hate. “Skywalker! *snort* Finally! Nice to met ya! *snort*” He shakes my arm off.

Leaning back I said, “You must be the Close Talker.”

“Yeah! *snort* That’s me! *snort* How could you tell?”

“Might the way your up in my grill,” I told him.

“*snort* *snort* That’s what I do!”

“And this works for you?”

“Yeah! *snort* Doesn’t for you?” he asked.

“What kinda of superhero thing is that?”

He blinked. “Well, I don’t know. But it works. *snort* I can talk people out of anything.”

“I see why.” I waved my hand, backing off. “You could use a breath mint first.”

“Well, what do you? *snort*” I lit my lightsaber. “OHHHHHHHHH!” he said in awe. “Can I hold it?”

“I don’t think so. Never touch another man’s lightsaber,” I told him. He looked confused. I rolled my eyes. “Never mind.”

“Soooo what are going to do now? Save the world? *snort* Get some chicks?”

It was going to be along week. I think I’m going to kill someone.

Jan: The Spanker

2007-09-06T13:07:00.000-07:00

The Spanker? What the frell?

I don’t think that I even want to know.

If he even touches me.

Ugh.

What kind of a pervert is Superman trying to fix me up with? First, those jerks at the House Depot and now this. This is not even funny.

Frack.

Suddenly an unusually-dressed man peered around the corner at me. I looked back at him and he quickly disappeared only leap out and take a heroic stance in front of me.

“Ha ha!” he laughed heartily. “I am…. the Spanker!”

“Don’t touch me,” I warned him immediately.

“Are you an evildoer, troublemaker, lowlife, villain, rogue, blackguard, scourge, scofflaw, or scoundrel?”

“Ah no,” I replied.

“Then I am very pleased to meet you.” He extended his hand. “I am… the Spanker!”

“Heh, I’m Jan the Intergalactic Aviator,” I shook his hand warily. “So what’s the plan for today?”

“We’re going on patrol! We will walk among our fellow men and stop evil where it starts!” he cried.

“Where?”

“In the streets!” He gestured out towards a vague nothingness.

Soon we were walking down the busy Metropolis street. People were definitely staring at us, but the Spanker obliviously smiled and waved at everyone who walked past.

“Hello citizen,” he saluted at a man in a business suit and fedora. “Good morning madam.”

The woman quickly walked past.

“You see,” he started to explain. “when you are here among the people, you can feel where the trouble is! Not up there among the clouds and gods, but down here, where the seedy underbelly of a thriving city murmurs like an angry calf.”

“Of course,” I agreed. If I just go along with this, it will soon be all over.

The Spanker felt a light pole, then moved over to a building and caressed the bricks of the wall.

“Tactile,” he said while holding his cheek close. “I feel, I sense, I live.”

“Uh huh.”

“There is…” he paused. “A robbery in progress. Quickly, we must give aid!”

Before I could reply, the Spanker dashed across the street to a jewelry store. He lined himself up to the side of the door and just as a masked robber crashed through it, the Spanker swatted the man on his behind.

“Ahh!” the felon tumbled to the ground, his bag full of expensive jewelry and gems tumbled to the sidewalk as well. “No, no! It’s the Spanker! Don’t spank me, Spanker! Please!”

“You are a criminal and must be punished.” The hero wagged his finger. “Your day of atonement is this very day!”

The Spanker hauled the man to his feet, the swatted him once more, sending the criminal sprawling against a mailbox where he collapsed whimpering. Police quickly ran up to the man and hauled him away.

“That was… interesting,” I said. “I have to admit, your methods are quite unorthodox, but they sure do work.”

“Of course, Jan the Intergalactic Aerator,” he smiled and gave a friendly salute. “All in a day’s work for your Friendly Community the Spanker!”

“It’s Aviator,” I replied.

“What?”

“You called me Jan the Intergalactic Aerator,” I said. “It’s not Aerator, it’s Aviator.”

“Of course, citizen,” he dismissed me with a wave. “Let us now continue our patrol.”

Our patrol resumed and the Spanker continued his M.O. of “feeling” a crime and dealing out justice with a paddling to the perpetrator’s posterior. We stopped a mugging and two attempted robberies this way, but then our patrol took us down a shady residential street.

“Ah, smell the air!” Spanker took a big sniff. “Smells like… justice!” Spanker felt up a tree until he paused again. “Aha! Trouble!”

“What is it?” I asked, but Spanker was already bounding down the sidewalk.

“Oh please, can you help me, mister?” a little old lady hobbled up to him. “Mr. Whiskers is stuck up in the tree.”

“Have no fear, ma’am,” the Spanker smiled. “I’ll take care of this.”

The Spanker clambered up the side of the tree until he was just beneath the mewing cat.

“Do not worry, Mr. Whiskers, this shall hurt me more than it hurts you.” The Spanker took a swing and smacked the feline right on its butt. The cat yelped and sailed through the air right into the old lady’s arms.

“Oh I don’t know how to thank you,” she smiled. “You are such a kind man.”

“All in a day’s work, ma’am,” the Spanker acknowledged.

“And your girlfriend there is quite a catch as well,” she continued.

“But I’m not—”

“The fine, raven hair,” the old lady smiled. “Those nice pert breasts, those round, tight buttocks.”

“Now now, don’t make me spank you for getting too randy in public,” the Spanker wagged his finger at her.

“Oh yes, of course,” she blushed slightly.

“Wait! Trouble! Let us go, Jan the Intergalactic Orator!” He dashed down the sidewalk.

“It’s not Orator!” I yelled while chasing him.

“Halt!” he called out. “You there, young fellow!”

“What, man?” the guy replied.

“You are in violation of the law,” the Spanker stated. “The City of Metropolis, municipal code states clearly that you may not cross the street except at a marked intersection.”

“What?” the guy looked confused.

“You jaywalked. Prepare to be spanked.”

Before the civilian could protest, the Spanker slammed an open palm into his rump. The man stumbled forward and collapsed to the ground whimpering.

“Wait, wait!” I interrupted. “You can’t spank him for jaywalking!”

“I am the Spanker, that’s what I do.”

“Yeah, but jaywalking?” I said. “That’s like nothing. This isn’t even a busy street or anything. He was just crossing the street to get to his car or something.”

“The law is the law,” the Spanker insisted. “Those who flout the decent conventions of society must pay for their transgressions. Isn’t that why you became a hero?”

“Ah no, I did it for the money,” I shrugged.

“Using your powers for material gain? Oh for shame,” he shook his head. “You are as bad as my arch nemesis the Behinder, Jan the Intergalactic Vindicator.”

“It’s Aviator!” I yelled. “A-Vee-A-Tor, you dumbass!”

“Citizen, I must warn you that you are in violation of this city’s anti-obscenity laws,” the Spanker stated. “If you continue in this manner, I will have no choice but to spank you.”

“You’re going to spank me?” I snorted. “Well then bring it, buster, because I’m about to bust your ass.”

“Jan the Intergalactic Freighter, you are clearly in violation of Metropolis anti-obscenity and noise pollution laws,” the hero warned. “If you do not cease your current behavior, you will leave me no choice but to take action.”

“You stupid, ignorant, frelling, fracking, moronic fricking idiot!” I yelled. “What is your major malfunction? Didn’t your momma give you enough attention, you stupid piece of brain pus?”

“Since my parents were needlessly hit with paddles by the devious criminals of this city when I was but a young lad, I have sworn to use my powers only for good,” the Spanker replied in his distinctive staccato delivery. “And it is not a vow that I have taken lightly. I have warned you!”

The Spanker wound up his hand to deliver a fierce spanking, but as he swung, I slipped to the side and grabbed his thumb. I twisted it and the Walloping Warrior was quickly brought to his knees whimpering.

“Say it,” I growled.

“Whu-what?” he cried.

“Say ‘Spank me,’” I answered.

“Whu-What?”

“I said say it!”

“S-spank me,” he sobbed quietly.

I socked him right in the jaw and he dropped to the ground unconscious.

Gingerbread Woman is screaned in front of a live studio audience

2007-09-06T05:39:00.000-07:00

Announcer - Hi Kids welcome to another adventure of my favourite hero and yours Gingerbread Woman.

-theme music plays. Hey I don't have the gear to make it, use your imagination.

~~Wonder Woman~~ Oops!

Ginger Ginger, Gingerbread Woman.
All the world's waiting for you,
and the power you possess.

In your boots and tights,
Fighting for your rights
The hero of Folksburg

Ginger Ginger, Gingerbread Woman.
You're a wonder, Gingerbread Woman.

Staring

Sandra Bullock as Gingerbread Woman

Paris Hilton as the Commissioner

David Hasslehoff as Dr Groovy

Guest Starring Ed O'Neil as The Anti-Feminist

And Introducing Warren Schnieder as Gunter

Its a new day in the metropolis of Folksburg. And our hero Gingerbread Woman is enjoying a peacful day.
"Its such a nice day here in Folksburg isn't Gunter." Gushes our pretty hero
"Yeah. Its... Ugh! Do I really have to say this? Ok. Gingerific Gingerbread Woman." replies Gunter our heroes plucky Australian sidekick.
"Oh my cellular phone is ringing. Who could it be?" Gingerbread Woman answers her phone. "Its Doctor Groovy. He wants us to meet him at his lab. C'mon Gunter time to Ginger up!"
"You do know what that means in the racehorse industry don't you?" comments Gunter.

Soon at the lab of Doctor Groovy.
"Thank you for coming Gingerbread Woman." greets Doctor Groovy
"As always its a pleasure Doctor Groovy." replies the Gingerbread Woman.
"choke! Hahahah!" laughs Gunter.
"I called for you because we have a come upon a most unique device." continues the good Doctor.

"Wow! It looks like a TV remote. How dumb do I have to be in this show?" remarks Gunter.
"Ha ha! Gunter its more powerful than a simple remote." replies Doctor Groovy. "This remote in the wrong hands could cause chaos like the world has never seen."
"Are you sure its real?" asks the woman of ginger.
"I personally tested the device and believe me its real." assures Dr. Groovy with a wry smile.

Elsewhere in Folksburg. At the abandoned Ginger beer factory somethings brewing. Trouble!
"Well my brothers we have just received word that the Ultimate Remote has been found." declares the villain.
"Yeah!" cheers the t-shirted crowd.
"Its being held in the lab of Dr Groovy. We will gain what is rightfully the property of. The Anti-Feminist." shouts The Anti-Feminist.

Oh no! It looks like Folksburg is going to be HARASSED by this new villain.
Can Gingerbread Woman SAY NO to the power of the Ultimate Remote.
Will The Anti-Feminist PRESS the right buttons.

Meanwhile back at the Gingerbread House our hero is enjoying her favourite pastime.
"Oh how I do like to get a tan Gunter." says our hero.
"Ok this script was written but some drunken frat boys wasn't it." complains Gunter.
Beep Beep Beep!
"Oh no its the -sigh!- Ginger-phone." exclaims the plucky Australian. "And why am I plucky?"
"Yes Commissioner Hilton. Whats the problem?" Enquire's The Gingerbread Woman.
"Gingerbread Woman the Ultimate Remote has been stolen by the Anti-Feminist." answers the Commissioner. "If he's not stopped every woman in Folksburg will be under his control."
"Gunter to the Ginger-mobile." commands our maiden of justice.
"Oh yeah thats believable." gripes Gunter. "Paris is the Commissioner. Can anyone say High Concept."

Later outside the abandoned Ginger beer factory.

"Now my plucky Aussie sidekick we're going to have to disguise ourselves to infiltrate The Anti-Feminist's lair." explains Gingerbread woman.
"And how are we going to do that Gingerbread Woman?" asks Gunter. "I'm just eye candy aren't I?"
"Your going to pose as one of The Anti-Feminists drunken disenfranchised goons." replies our Hero. "And I'm going as your trailer trash girlfriend."

"Wow! Your a master of disguise Gingerbread Woman!" exclaims Gunter
"Tut tut Gunter its Mistress of disguise." corrects Gingerbread Woman. "Poor grammar is as much a crime as graffiti or doing drugs."

Inside the factory there's a party brewing.
"Ok Gunter the plan is simple get the remote and then get out of here." advises the well disguised Gingerbread Woman.

"Its Gingerbread Woman and Gunter. Grab them!" shouts the Anti-Feminist.
"How did you see through our disguises?" demands Gingerbread Woman.
"Only a goody two shoes like you would think trailer trash dressed like that. Bwhahahahahaha!" laughs the evil villain. They tie up our heroes and put them in one of the old Ginger beer stills.
"Well Gunter it looks like we're in a sticky situation?" exclaims our hero

Oh the irony!
Is Gingerbread woman about to get hosed.

"Thats it! I've had enough with the jokes, the stupid narrator and the double entendre's." Gunter breaks his ropes. Gunter punches the still's wall and amazingly it cracks open like and egg.

"Hang on this isn't in the script we're not supposed to escape till page 12." declares Gingerbread Woman.
Gunter ignores the maid of justice and strides forward.
"Get him my drunken minions." commands the Anti-Feminist.
But they are no match for the plucky Australian who flings the minions around like dolls.
"Again with the plucky. Don't you have another adjective other than plucky." screams Gunter. Gunter gets to the podium and grabs the Ultimate Remote from the Anti-Feminist. "All of this over some stupid remote so you can control women. Just how desperate are you man?" asks Gunter. "Look you'll thank me for this, one day."
Crunch! the remote is crushed in Gunters right hand.

"Nooooooo!" Howls the Anti-Feminist.
"Well maybe you wont thank me then." says Gunter.

Later at the Gingerbread house.
"Well done Gunter." Congratulates Gingerbread Woman. "Your quick thinking saved all the women of Folksburg."
"Yes I know the Commissioner is picking me up at 7pm to thank me personally." smiles Gunter.
"Well don't stay up too late." cautions Gingerbread Woman. "A good crime fighter always needs his sleep."

Well see you next Week.
Same Gingerbread time.
Same Gingerbread channel.

Challenge 6

2007-09-02T18:26:00.000-07:00

Superman: " It's time for the next challenge."

Crater " Whoopie. "

Superman: " You should be a little more proud Crater since you are one of the Final Four. "

Crater: " I am actually mate."

Superman: " This week you will intern with members of a superhero team."

Skywalker:" "Intern?" You mean Sidekick? "

Superman: "Er. Yes. "

Jan: " The Avengers?"

Superman: " Not exactly."

Crater: "JLA?"

Superman: "No."

Thousand Faces:" Fantastic Four?"

Superman: " Er, No their a team called the Zlist. "

Jan: "I never heard of them"

Superman: " Few have."

Now take a name out of the hat for the member you will be teamed with for the week. "

Jan: " The Spanker?"

Crater : " Gingerbread Woman?"

Thousand Faces: " Mr. Inappropriate?"

Skywalker:" The Close Talker?"

Superman:" Well you have your assignments. I'll see you at the end of the week. "

Challenge 5 elimination

2007-09-02T17:54:00.000-07:00

Well here comes the the part of the game I hate the most it's time for an elimination. Begfore I tell you who's gone I must say that Evreyone has done very well with the Question's odd challenge.

Even thousand Faces who tried to find something on me. But now one must be eliminated.

And that person is...

An alien rseort owner who has done pretty well in this competiton.

And that is......

Noel. Please turn in your costume. The next challenge is coming soon.

The Watcher's judgement

2007-09-01T15:33:00.000-07:00

Welcome Now I shall pass judgement.

Thousand Faces: Nice idea trying to get dirt on the host, too bad it didn't work out. Good thing you didn't open that box, Since Superboy is hiding in there. That kid is strange.

Noel: Good work you found dirt on two people

Crater: I'm not sure making up dirt is quite what we were looking for.

Jan: The conspiracy you've found has got the Question all hyper in wanting to investigate it further, that means no one will see him for weeks good job.

Anakin: We're not sure we really wanted dirt on you.

The winner of immunity for this week is Jan. The rest are up for elimination. Here is this week's viewer poll.
And contestants vote by emailing Supermanclarkent@yahoo.com The elimination will occur tomorrow night. The Watcher has spoken.

Operation Dirt Digging

2007-09-01T08:24:00.000-07:00

I’m not exactly a spy. Nor can I gather anything on a world wide conspiracy. Well, except one. The Illuminati. These guys have dirt like none other. Unfortunately for them, recently the leader and I got into a fight, and the leader came up a day late and a head short.

So my only choice was gone.

Until I realized…

There were bigger Fish to fry.

Bigger Super powered fish!

Time to dig up some dirt on Superman. The easiest way to do that? Shift into Supergirl. Which meant I had to find Supergirl and steal some of her hair or something. So, I went through the old rooms here… Finally I found some blonde hair, and I grabbed it, most appreciatively and I morphed into- Well, whoever it was, wasn’t Supergirl.

When I exited the room, and walked to the Computer, I clicked it on, hit twenty buttons and finally said “Hello?”

Johnathan Jones, The Martian Manhunter answered, “Rima?” He asked.

“I know not of what you speak of chico,” I responded.

“Rima, are you okay, you’ve been gone since the 80’s? You’re looking good though.”

“Thanks?”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m looking for Superman.”

“He’s at the Daily Planet, ask for Clark Kent.”

Wait a second! Superman has an Alias? And it’s a reporter?! This is good dirt!

“Thanks Johnny.” I responded, and I jumped outside. As soon as I did, there was an Elephant waiting. Not an Elephant I made nor Summoned, he was just waiting there for me.

I hopped on, and road downtown. Surprisingly enough the people didn’t care an Elephant was in traffic with them. I arrived at the Daily Planet and went inside. At the receptionist desk I got, “Hello. I bet you’re here for Clark? He’s up stairs.”

I went to the elevator, and I waited in it. A man was staring at me, “Take a picture chico it will last longer.”

- -

Once I got to Clark’s Office, I opened the door, and he smiled, “Rima! It’s good to see you! How have you been, you look great, as young as ever.”

“Superman?” I asked.

He laughed, “Shh- Remember? That’s a secret… You’re looking really good, do you remember that time we went up the Amazon to stop Starfire from changing all of the albino dolphins into killing machines?”

“Uhm-“

He raised his eyebrow, “Thousand Faces – Get out. Out Out Out!!!!”

And that’s how I got kicked out of the Daily Planet.

- - -

When I returned to the Hall of Justice. I found Anakin Skywalker, still in the form of Rima, and I yelled, “Anakin! Guess what?!”

“What, yo?”

“I found some Dirt on Superman!”

“Really? What is it?”

“By day he pretends to be Clark Kent, Mild Mannered Reporter!”

“Chick-Yo… We all knew that already… I think everybody in the world knows that… Way to go there Wild Girl.”

I sighed heavily. That was a waste of my energy… There is just no dirt on Superman. I walked back to my room, and tripped on a Box labeled, “Superman – Secrets” I just didn’t care…

Find some dirt on Superman – Failure.

Noel: Getting the dirt and a little extra.

2007-08-31T02:20:00.001-07:00

At least this round was a bit easier then the last one. I still can't believe I had to do that.... It was..... a.... traumatic experience. I really don't want to even think about it, so PLEASE don't ask.

As for this round like I said it was easier, for the most part. I had a hard time trying to find a disguise that worked for me. I mean, I'm blue with cat like futures. It's not like I can put on a trench coat and a hat to hide in the crowd. But I managed by hiding and followed the ones I had selected, around. I also made a few spy probes to help me get footage and pictures.

Probe:

Me hiding:

I decided to follow around Lex Luthor first.

I met him when I was in the Amazing Mutant Race 3 game. I just had this weird feeling that he couldn't be trusted.

And what I found was interesting. First of all He is not a true bald... he shaves.

Another thing:

Yup that's him playing a guitar and singing. In fact I have a clip with him doing some talk show and he plays a song.

Warning: NOT FOR LITTLE EARS.

I also found out he is an amateur stripper.

I didn't find out a whole lot more, so I decide to do one more. Jar Jar Binks.

I know him because he often comes to my Space Resort, Sky City.I know from personal experience that Jar Jar is a bit of an alcoholic.

He can down several of those and a few shots in one sitting. And if you think he is annoying sober, you should deal with him when he is drunk. Too bad I don't have any footage of that. But I do have clips of what he has been up too lately.

I think he is trying out for some dance contest or something.

And here he is doing an odd day job.

Advertising Garage Sales.

Well that's about all I have on these two. I would have done more but I have ran out of time.

I know these next two clips have nothing to do with with the contest, but I wanted to share these anyway. They remind me of home.

Yoda, sung by a guy named Weird Al

and Saga Begins, by the same guy.

Hope you enjoy.

Operation: China Plate

2007-08-31T01:05:00.000-07:00

It was quite an easy plan. Make Tony Stark my China Plate. I don't mean turn him into dinnerware. I mean make him my mate. No I don't mean that either. I mean, to become a good friend of Tony's. Then I mean to get him good and drunk and get him to tell me some sordid tale of super heroes gone wrong. Or better than that the Wasp's phone number. What! The Wasp puts out everyone knows that, c'mon she did Hawkeye.

I had to make sure that it was going to work in my favour so I called in some help.
"Hi! This is Crater. Koma said you were good for some help. I've got to get some dirt on Tony Stark."
"You need to bring Stark down. Count me in." agreed Henchy.

Henchy had a great plan he called in a favour from MODOK.
"How'd you get MODOK in on this?" I asked
"Ahh! once you get him a lap dance he'll do anything." answered Henchy.

'What Lap?'

So MODOK and some AIM flunkies attacked the SHIELD Heli-carrier. Sure enough Stark in his Iron-man suit came out leading the attack. Acting as a tourist who just came upon this battle I offered my assistance. We wiped the floor with the AIM flunkies and after MODOK had escaped Tony came to thank me for my assistance.
"Are you registered?" asked Tony.

"Hey in my country they've had registration for years." I answered showing Tony my Spearhead card.

Then the devious plan kicked into gear. Tony took his helmet off and Henchy who'd been playing possum launched himself at Stark.
"Got you now Stark." screamed Henchy. He grabbed hold of Stark and pointed a blaster at his head.
Then it all went wrong.
"BLAM" Starks head now sported a large hole in it.
"Yeah I got him! I killed Stark!" Henchy screamed in joy. He did a little victory dance and then the SHIELD goons grabbed him. He got loose of the goons and raced off, his cybernetic legs carrying him far into the distance.

"All clear. Yes he's gone sir. Henchman432 took the bait and attacked the LMD. The plan was a complete success." confirms one of the SHIELD goons. "Mr Schnieder the Director will see you now."

Of course it was all a plan to get the confidence of Stark. I'm glad I rang Henchy I would never have come up with this.
Stark thanks me for the tip-off on Henchy and MODOK's attack. He offers me a job as part of his bodyguard. I'm in. Yesssss!
Now you may ask what its like to be in the ontourage of Tony Stark. Its like the President, Bill Gates and George Clooney all rolled into one. He's got the politicians, businessmen and movie stars all eating out of his hands. Every Thursday night is a party and it don't stop till Sunday. Work hard, play hard thats Starks motto.

On Friday night Stark calls me over to his table. He was lounging with one of those Armour groupies. He gestures for me to follow him. Leading me into one of the spare rooms he removes the helmet.
"I'm needed elsewhere. Can you wear the armor for me?" he asks. And then whispers "The girls can't tell who's in it."
"You mean. I could. The girls... whooo! Cause they'll think its you." I sputter out.
"There's only two rules here Warren. Keep off the booze and if you do sleep with the girls keep the armour on. Also if you need some assistance there's some BLUE pills in the armor." He winks. I change into the armor and the nights on.
Party party party, hawt chicks, and well the occasional beer or three. Hey I can hold my beer, I'm Australian.

Then comes the hunger. I'm dying for a kebab. Its a weakness that only comes when I've had just the right amount of beer. I take the party to the closest kebab store. The armor actually plots the fastest course there. Tony your a genius. The armor doesn't have much of an opening for food but with some help I manage to get the kebab down.

However keeping it down was a problem. I think they put a little too much Garlic Sauce. You know how I said that the armor doesn't have enough of an opening to eat. It certainly doesn't have enough to puke either. And I found out the hard way. Of course I didn't realise that wherever Stark is there are camera's so the Daily Bugle's front page was as follows.

Its not real dirt but its dirt.

This was Stark's response when he read the Bugle the next morning.

Jan: It's A Noir Day

2007-08-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

I was sitting alone in my office late at night. The room smelled of old whiskey and stale cigarettes, but mostly it smelled of failure. I crushed one more cigarette butt into the already full glass ashtray and poured myself one more shot.

My name’s O’Mega, Jan O’mega. I’m a private eye, but apparently not a very good one right now. Sure taking peepshow shots of cheating husbands will pay a few bills, but it’s not enough for a down payment to get my soul back.

I lifted the glass and gave a quiet toast to nobody in particular when he walked in. All six foot one of him.

“My name is John Crichton, an astronaut. I’m looking for a dick,” he said as I looked him over. Wow, he had legs that went all the way up and then back down again.

“A lot of people are,” I answered huskily as I put the shot glass and flask in my desk drawer – the same drawer that contains my only friend, all .38 calibers of him.

“I mean I need help,” he sauntered close to me. The flashing from the hotel sign outside bathed his face in a red glow. Off and on, off and on it would flash.

“Of course,” I replied. He was trouble all right, I could tell. He might have been trouble, but he was also in trouble.

“I’m missing a friend.” He held up a picture. She was gorgeous, with thick dark hair and gams that would make a priest beg for buttermilk.

“Just a friend, eh?” Something smells fishy, and it ain’t the JJ Fish Market down the street.

“Yeah, she’s a friend. Her name’s Aeryn Sun.” He leaned closer and I could smell the mint on his breath. I could also smell the desperation. What’s the mint covering? What is he covering? “Last I heard, she was talking about the return of the King. She knew something about it and I think it scared her. Scared her bad.”

“Yeah, well yah got any leads?” As much as I’d like to sit there and look at his baby blues all night, I’m going to need something to go on if I can find his pally.

“Yeah, last night she said to meet me at the roof of the parking garage across from Club Flamingo. It’s in Chinatown, you know where it is?”

“Does a pig roll in its own filth?”

“Uh, I dunno,” he shrugged.

“Yeah,” I snapped back at him. “Yeah I know where it is. I’ll go there and look for clues. How do I get in touch with you?”

“Don’t worry,” he smiled a cocky, crooked smile. “I’ll be in touch with you.”

I watched his hips sway as he turned and glided out the door. “Damn,” I shook my head and reached for one more belt of whiskey.

* * *

The dark street glistened from the recent rainstorm as a lone taxi drove past, nearly splashing me from a puddle.

“Hey watchit!” I yelled. Then muttered under my breath “Wiseass.”

Thinking about how nice retirement would be right now, I trotted across the street and up into the parking garage. There was an out of order sign hanging from the elevator, so I hoofed it up to the top of the garage. All 6 flights. I got to the roof and as I crunched across its surface, something caught my eye. I bent down to pick up a scrap of paper and read the inscription on it. TheKing@curuscant.gov.

“Interesting.” I nodded thoughtfully.

“I’ve got a message from the King,” A voice behind me said.

I turned and looked. Before I could say anything else, the man yelled and fired wildly at me with his Tommy gun.

I dove for cover behind a convenient air conditioning unit, when the din of his weapon ceased, I strained to see who fired at me.

“I couldn’t hear what that message was,” I yelled out. “Can you say it again without all that noise?”

I looked around the corner but didn’t see him there at all.

“I said you’re snoopin’ where you shouldn’t be,” the man said from behind me as he tapped my shoulder with the barrel his weapon. “The King doesn’t like people like you sniffing around his business.”

“This King,” I said without moving a muscle. “He from around here?”

“Not hardly,” the gunman laughed. “He’s from a place far away. Far, far away.”

“So what’s he doing around here, then?” I asked. If I could get him to keep yapping, I just might get out of here alive.

“Let’s just say he likes weapons,” he chuckled. “The bigger, the better.”

“Yeah, but why would the King want to come all the way here if he’s got a whole galaxy of weapons and tech to choose from?” Keep it steady, girl.

“Who said he does?” he laughed. “Besides. Everyone there thinks he’s dead. He wants to return with a big bang. A really big bang.”

Quickly, I spun my heel and knocked the gun from his hand. He growled as I spun again and sprung to my feet. He lunged at me, but I popped him in the jaw for his effort.

“Heh, nice,” he smiled as he rubbed his jaw. “You got one, that’s the only one you’re gonna get.”

“Let’s do this, tubby,” I egged. Maybe I can get him mad, mad enough to make a mistake.

“Why you dirty whore!” Evidently my plan worked as he swung wildly at me again. I could hear cartilage crack as I punched him in the nose.

He stumbled back and tumbled over the wall of the roof. Yelling for his life, he just managed to grab a handhold to prevent his fall. I dove to grab him.

“I thought the King was dead,” I growled as I tried to haul him up. “Where is he?”

“Ha ha, you are a stupid bitch,” he sneered. “You’ll soon find out!”

He grabbed me by the neck and squeezed. I could taste iron on my tongue as white spots began to dance in front of my eyes. He began to haul himself up on his other arm as he continued to choke me from this unusual position. I was about to collapse, but I managed to grab his thumb and gain leverage on it. I peeled his claw off my neck.

“See you in Hel,” I gurgled, then punched him in the eye, sending him plummeting six stories to the wet street below. As I leaned on the wall to steady myself, I heard a woman scream. Several people then ran up to the gunman’s body and began looking up the side of the building.

* * *

Hoping to avoid the rubberneckers on the street, I ducked into the alley after I got back down to ground level. Unfortunately, I wasn’t alone.

“Are you Jan O’Mega?” A voice rumbled deeply from the shadows.

“Who wants to know?”

“Call me,” he paused for effect. “Deep Throat.”

“Deep Throat? Ew, that’s so gross. What is it with you creeps?”

“No, not like Deep Throat as in the movie,” he answered. “Deep Throat like from Watergate. I’m here to give you information.”

“Whatever, perv.”

“I’m serious,” his deep voice insisted. “I have all the info, there is a conspiracy and it reaches to large group of important and influential figures on this planet.”

“Oh, you mean like the Illuminati?” I answered. “What’s it to them?”

“Not the Illuminati.” I could see cigarette smoke wafting from where his mouth most likely was. “But I must warn you, it’s deep and it if you blow the cover off this. Six. A lot of important people will go down.”

“Why did you just say six?” I asked.

“What? I didn’t,” he insisted. But then I saw his shadowy head move around distractedly, as if something only he could see was just off his shoulder guiding his words. “Six? No, no, I certainly didn’t say that. Truly.”

“Right,” I said. Then I reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders and hauled him into the light. “You! Wait, who are you?”

“All right, fine,” he straightened himself out and held up a picture. “I’m Dr. Gaius Baltar and I’m looking for my sister. Six.”

“Your sister’s name is Six?” I asked. “Funny, I just talked to a friend of hers who said her name was Aeryn Sun.”

“Sun, Sun,” he stammered. “That’s her name. The thing is, I know where she is, but I can’t get to her. Six!”

“Is she far?”

“Six,” he said, then he cleared his throat. “Six hectares.”

“The only thing that’s six hectares away is the moon.”

“You got something that can get there?”

“Yeah, I’ve got something,” I said with a smile.

* * *

The Pegasus Elite roared through the skies heading towards the moon. Baltar was sitting in the copilot seat twitching and muttering to himself. I couldn’t trust him, not by a long shot. That’s why he was sitting there next to me.

“There!” he exclaimed. “On the Dark Side of the moon!”

“Is that another moon?” I couldn’t believe it.

“That’s no moon,” he gasped. “That’s a battle station.”

“And it’s got us,” I said as a tractor beam latched onto my ship and hauled us into the belly of this giant beast.

After my ship’s landing gear clanged to the deck, I got up and casually walked out of my ship. Baltar followed nervously.

“You think it’s safe?” he twittered.

“Nope,” I replied. “But all of the answers are here.”

We stepped onto the deck and found ourselves face to face with a dozen Imperial Stormtroopers.

“Looks like quite a party,” I mumbled. “So who’s gonna take us to the host?”

“Tell me one good reason why you shouldn’t be shot right where you stand?” an officer said as he stalked up to us.

“Because I know about the Return of the King,” I bluffed.

The officer stopped short and turned to speak into his commlink.

“OK, he will see you,” the officer answered after a moment.

I looked surprised at Baltar and he looked the same back at me. We followed the officer into the lift though, and soon found ourselves crossing a short catwalk into a throne room and facing a cloaked figure. He was flanked by armed guards as well as Aeryn Sun.

“What do you know of the Return of the King?” he spat.

“I guess he’s making a comeback,” I shrugged. “Funny, I thought he was dead.”

“Oh I am afraid you are mistaken,” he sneered back. “About a great, many things.”

“So why Earth?” I pressed. “I’d imagine this is a long way to go for just a few nukes. I’d imagine you could get those just about anywhere.”

“You really don’t know do you?” The contempt in his voice filled the throne room. “I don’t want crude nuclear weapons, I want something more. Illudium Phosdex!”

“Illudium what?” I asked.

“Isn’t that the shaving cream atom?” Baltar added.

“Oh it is that, and so much more,” the King sneered. “These puny people don’t understand the destructive power that they hold in their very hands, that’s why I’ve contacted the captains of the industry of this planet: Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne, Lex Luthor… they will all sell me their world’s supply of shaving cream and I will dominate my galaxy with it!”

“And what’s her stake in this?” I said, indicating to Aeryn.

“I go where the action is,” she replied coolly.

“You know you’ve got someone looking for you,” I answered.

“Really?” she replied with a bit of surprise. She quickly regained her composure. “I don’t care.”

“Yeah well, maybe my bank account cares,” I answered. “Maybe I care. Maybe all the kids down there on that planet care. You got a kid?”

“Yes,” she answered quietly. Her lips quivered a bit. “John and I…”

“It doesn’t matter,” the King snarled. “This galaxy doesn’t matter, that thing you called a husband doesn’t matter! All that matters is that I get back to my galaxy with the Illudium Phosdex!”

“Alright, that’s it!” one of the red armored guards growled. He swung his vibroblade at the other guard who fell down in a shower of sparks. The sentinel tore off his crimson mask, revealing himself to be Crichton, then pulled a pistol from his cloak and aimed it at the King. “Pruneface, you and I are gonna dance.”

“John!” Aeryn called out.

“Foolish human!” the King spat. “Your weapon is useless against me!”

Purple lighting reigned from the King’s fingertips and Crichton crumpled to the ground yelling in pain.

“Hold it, sucker!” I yelled as I pulled my own pistol.

“You will die next, interloper!” he spun a hand at me and lightning arced across the air and slammed into me. I fired a shot before I went down and it hit his shoulder. He stumbled but continued his onslaught against us.

“No!” Aeryn yelled. She lunged herself at the King and threw him over the railing. She collapsed as he plummeted screaming into the chasm below.

“Aeryn!” John yelled. He picked himself up and stumbled over to her.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she said as they embraced. “When I got word that he was planning something on Earth, I knew I had to go undercover and stop it.”

“It’s OK, it’s OK,” he replied softly. “We’re back together, that’s all that matters. Hail to the King, baby.”

The two kissed passionately as I picked myself up off the deck.

“Forget it Jan,” Baltar said as he helped me steady myself. “It’s Chinatown.”

Opps

2007-08-29T12:41:00.001-07:00

Everyone here thinks I’m going to spy on Chancellor Palpatine. I’m not. He is a mentor and a friend, not to mention that would be that would be treason. However, if Superman thinks Jar Jar Binks is a part of sinister plot I can find out.

Jar Jar works for my girl as an aide, so he is easy to find. I haven’t seen him a few months, so as soon as I walk in-

“ANNNNIIIEEEE!” And tackles me in a hug.

“Hi, Jar Jar,” I said, untangling myself from him. “You got a few minutes? I need to talk to you.”

“Meesa always got timeo for yousa, Ani!” He waves me inside is his office. A very nice office I might add. He has come a long way from the swamps of Naboo, even if his basic is still way off. “Whatya need, Annie?”

“Are you involved in any shady dealings?”

His tongue fell out. “Meesa? Meeas work all the timeo for Miss Padme, meesa got no timeo to wash behind my ears! Whys you asksin?”

“Someone thinks you are.”

He blinks and looks down at the desk, then back at me. “Ohhhhhh… “

I followed his eyes. On his desk was a holo picture of him and pretty girl. I picked it up.

“Who is this, Jar Jar?” I asked.

“Meesa girlfriend. Filomena.”

Filomena. Where have I heard that name before? Wait… My head snapped up. “Filomena, the exotic dancer bounty hunter?”

He nodded. “Meesa met her at your secret bachelor part-“

I slapped a hand over his mouth. “Shhh! Still a secret,” I snapped. “Padme doesn’t know about that.” I had to smile. “You stud!” Jar Jar blushed. “Is she still bounty hunting?”

Rapid nods. “Uh-huh. Meesa don’t seea her mucho.” Jar Jar grabbed my arm and hopped. “Meesa not doing anything, mesas swears!”

That cleared that up. He wasn’t involved with anything unhanded. Filomena might be, but not him. I calmed him down. “I know but I had to ask.”

“Shea coming over, yousa can met her again!”

Uh. Not a good idea. She might remember me. “No, that’s alright. I need to go.”

I left quickly.

So not real dirt on Jar Jar but some on myself. Don’t spread that around, alright? That party was not my idea.

Skywalker Out.

Challenge 5

2007-08-26T17:09:00.000-07:00

Smoke fills the room as the contestants wait for the next challenge. After everyone coughs and blow the smoke out with the fan inside the meeting room they find. A faceless man has entered the room with them.

Jan: What the Where did he come from?

Crater : I think I know him. An obscure American capes and tights guy, but this bloke is supposed to be dead.

?: Actually I don't do spandex. As for my death. Did I die? Or did I fake that ? That is the Question.

Crater : That's right the Question!

Jan: Where's his face? What is he?

Noel: He's just a human wearing an odd mask. Why are you here?

?: Well you see Superman is off fighting whatever alien invasion has happened this week, , the producers called me because apparently what I want to do with my time isn't important. But you see you will help me with my work.

Skywalker: What kind of work do you do weirdo?

? : Anakin Skywalker. Married to an important politician, which would be a huge scandal if anyone in your galaxy discovered that. Mostly because your order is supposed to be chaste. That and you use way too much hair product.

Skywalker: Yo.. Whut? How did you... Are you going through my trash?

?: Don't be ridiculous.

Skywalker: Good because....

?: I go through everyone's trash.

Skywalker:.......

?: Your challenge this week is to dig up some dirt on public figures. I believe these people are part of a conspiracy I have been following. Tony Stark, Lex Luthor Bruce Wayne, Senator Palpatine, and Jar Jar Binks. What I want you to do is go under cover and bring me any information on one of these people as possible. You can do the investigation any way you wish.

Jan: What if we find that these people are doing something wacky?

?: Tell me I need a good laugh.

Announcement

2007-08-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

it seems the contestant Noel has had a problem with one of the patients. And as such Was unable to give us her account of it. That being the case This shall Be a non elimination round.

The next challenge will be given this evening or tonight.

Jan: Won't you take me to Crazy Town?

2007-08-23T11:46:00.001-07:00

“Very nice to meet you, I’m Doc Samson.” The jade-haired psychiatrist raised one eyebrow, looked me up and down, and smiled. “My you have a strong handshake.”

“Who me? Oh I don’t think so, tee hee hee,” I giggled as I shook his hand.

“Oh yeah,” he continued to leer at me. “I’ve got to tell you, I consider myself a good judge of character and you are something all right.”

“Oh you’re too much,” I tittered.

“So, maybe after we’re through here we could maybe go get a cup of coffee or something?” He aimed his thumb towards the door, making sure to flex his muscles along the way.

“Gee, I don’t know. I don’t think I can,” I giggled. “I’m a contestant and all.”

“Oh, I’m sure it’ll be fine,” he said. “In fact, I even gave you an easy inmate to make sure we can skip out of here quick.”

“Really? You did? Aw, that’s so sweet.” I didn’t buy Fabio’s nice guy act for a second, but hey if it gets me out of here any quicker, I’ll take it.

“Yeah, so just head down that hall and he’s the last one on the left.”

“Wow, you’re such a guy.” I punched him in the arm playfully, then took the clipboard that had the patient’s name on it. “I can’t wait to help out Mr. Knight here.”

I walked down the hall looking at the rooms containing inmates, the rooms were colored in all kind of crazy:

“I’m the Ambush Bug! I ambush people and bug ‘em, hee hee!”

“I’m the Badger, I badger people. Ha ha, get it?”

“Hello Clarice….”

Finally, I reached the end of the hall. I looked and saw the man who I would have to help. He stood rigid in his room as if he was guarding something.

“Dane Whitman, I presume?”

He stood silent, not moving a muscle.

“My name is Jan the Intergalactic Aviator and I’m here to talk to you today.” I looked down at the clipboard containing his bio.

He remained steadfast in the center of his room.

“Ok, then, I think that I’ll just sit over here until you’re ready to talk.” I moved towards his bunk.

“None shall pass.”

“What?” I looked at him.

“None shall pass.”

“I have no quarrel with you, Black Knight,” I replied. “I’m here to help. Remember? We can just talk, but I must cross your room.”

“Then you shall die.”

“Please, just stand aside,” I asked.

“I move for no man. Er, or woman.”

“So be it,” I said and tried to shove my way past him. Yeah, I know, getting physical with a patient here probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, but I felt that I needed to establish dominance in this situation. He wouldn’t talk to me until I proved that I could stand up to him and all that.

He responded by drawing a weapon out of his scabbard. It wasn’t a sword, though. It was shorter and wooden. He swung wildly at me with it, I dodged and judo chopped him in the left arm, hitting his nerve and immobilizing the whole arm.

“Now, stand aside, worthy adversary,” I commanded.

“’Tis but a scratch!”

“A scratch?” I couldn’t believe it. “Your arm is dead.”

“No it isn’t.”

“Well what’s that then?” I pointed to his arm dangling limply at his side.

“I’ve had worse.”

“You liar!” I snapped back in unbelief. “Come on, that’s not even a sword, that’s a tongue depressor.”

“Come on, you pansy! Ahhhhhhh!”

He charged me wildly and I sidestepped once again. I chopped at his right arm this time and immobilized it. He stood there blankly with his two arms flopping around.

“Victory is mine,” I said. “Now let’s just sit down and talk, hey!”

“Hah!” The Black Knight kicked me. “Come on, then!”

“What?” The Black Knight kicked me ineffectually as he had to deal with his inability to balance himself without the use of his arms.

“Have at you!”

“You are indeed brave, Black Knight,” I said as he tried to kick me again. “But the fight is mine.”

“Oh, had enough, eh?”

“Look you stupid bastard,” I said. “You don’t have any arms.”

“Yes I have.” He twisted his torso back and forth which caused his arms to comically flop around.

“Look!”

“Just a flesh wound!”

“Look, stop that,” I said as he kicked me again.

“Chicken! Chickennn!”

“Look, I’ll do the same to your leg.” He kicked me again. “Ok then.”

I karate chopped his right leg and he nearly tumbled over without the use of it. He continued to attack though, hopping towards me with his paralyzed limbs flailing spastically.

“Right. I’ll do you for that!”

“You’ll what?” I can’t believe this guy.

“Come here!”

“What are you going to do, bleed on me?” Yeah, I know he’s not bleeding right now, but he will be if he keeps this up.

“I’m invincible!”

“You’re a looney,” I retorted.

“The Black Knight always triumphs! I have the Ebony Blade! Have at you! Come on, then!”

He again bumped into me with his ineffectual attack. I responded by attacking the nerve in his good leg. He crumpled to the ground in a heap.

“Oh? All right, we’ll call it a draw.”

“Very well,” I replied. “Tell me about your childhood…”

Operation Visit the Insane

2007-08-23T08:33:00.000-07:00

Needless to say, I was disappointed when Superman handed me the paper with who I was supposed to see. Morph. It wasn’t very original, because Morph had appeared in the challenge announcement.

But he said, “But you and Morph have so much in common!” Sure… Fine. That’s okay. I’ll take the shape shifter. I got dressed in my ridiculous outfit, and I rounded up the Apocalypse Ponies, and I headed towards the Insane Asylum.

When I saw the place, it made me shiver. When I got to the front desk the secretary raised her eyebrow, “Who are you to see?”

I handed her the sheet of paper with Morph’s name on it. She raised her eyebrow again, “Before you can see Morph, you need to tell me two things that I can use to determine whether you’re really you or not. What are these things?”

I showed her my tattoo that was on my shoulder, and then I held my throat, and opened my mouth, “You’ve got a tattoo and you’re mute. Check. What are you ‘Super Powers’ or ‘Mutant Powers’?”

I shifted forms into an exact copy of her, using a burst of nature magic, “Cute,” she said, “You’re clear to go in.” I shifted to the form of Rapier’s dead wife. (Short Explanation: Rapier is my goddaughter’s uncle. And my ‘daughter’ ‘s sister’s husband. He was married long, long before he met her. However I found a single strand of her hair, and I caught her DNA and now I use her form when I need to delegate.)

I entered Morph’s room, it was a lovely little rubber-tight cell where he couldn’t change forms and get out of. The guards locked the door behind me, and I sat down in front of him.

“Hello,” he said in a high pitched annoying voice.

“Hello,” I whispered, “I’m sure you know why I am here.”

“You’re here to play!” he said, “How long are you in for?”

“Oh… I don’t know Morph.”

“Ah-while, I imagine.”

“What did you just say?”

“Ah-while.”

“Do you mean awhile?”

“Yeah, Ah-while.”

“Awhile?”

“Ah-while.”

“Awhile.”

“Ah-while.”

“Ah-while,” I shook my head, “Now you got me saying it!”

“Ehehehehehehe…What’s your power, Tawny?”

“What did you just call me?”

“Tawny… So, what’s your power?”

“I’m a shapeshifter.”

“Really… I’ll name someone, you change into them.”

“Then I’ll do the same, it will pass the time.”

He yelled, “Ellen Ripley!”

I said, “Albert Einstein!”

He yelled, “Samo Hung!”

I said, “Madmartigan!”

He yelled, “Amy Lee!”

I yelled, “Vincent Price!”

He yelled, “Morph!”

I yelled, “Thousand Faces!”

He yelled, “Help me! He’s going crazy!”

Uh-oh. I was just outsmarted by not only Morph, but a crazy man.

The guards came in and grabbed me shoving me to the ground while Morph in my form ran out, “Its not me, its’ her, she’s me, and I’m her. He’s in my form, and I’m in his.”

“Sure you are Morph… Whatever…”

I stood up, and shifted back, and I held my hands out and signed something out, “Whatever Morph…”

That’s when the secretary came in holding Morph in my form, “It’s her, she’s Morph.” He yelled pointing at me.

“No, let the one whose not saying anything out.”

I stepped out of the room, Morph trapped safely in it, and the secretary looked at me, “That took Ah-while.”

I shrugged and walked by her, I gave her a light hug before heading out.

If all else fails, the Secretary is the only person who can get anything done, and get it done right. The Apocalypse ponies were chasing Poison Ivy outside. I gathered them and took them back. Some Super pets they where.

Operation Visit the Insane - Failure!

The Ballad of Mick Dundee

2007-08-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Hi I'm Kris Kirsstofferson. I'm here to tell you a tale. A tale of bravery, courage and beer. This here's the tale of the last ride of Crocodile Dundee.

Our story starts with this guy. His names Warren Schnieder AKA Crater.

Now Warren was on a reality TV show
And he'd gotten further than Xavier you know
And they'd set a task for him to complete

At a crazy house for sick heroes
Warren was supposed to deal-o
with a hero who been through a rough patch

Well Warren was quite surpised
when shown before his hung-over eyes
the patient for him that'd been selected

Standing before Warren proud as gravy
was a hero straight from the Eighties
Mick The man known as Crocodile Dundee

Warren uttered a few expletives
Which cause of our G-Rating had to be deleted
When he greeted the old Croc hunter.

"I'd reply the same" responded Mick
In an Aussie accent think. "But I can't these days.
Cause they tell me its not right."

"Your kidding me!" said Warren in good cheer.
"Next thing you say you've given up beer."
To which Mick just slowly nodded.

Now Mick explained to young Warrens horror
Of how to this Asylum he had gotten
and why his Australian nature had been curtailed

It seems that after 9-11
Mick found himself put in detention
Thats right he was sent to Guantanamo

It was there that surgeons with evil intentions
placed in Mick's brain an invention
a computer chip to curb his larakin ways

So now he was placed here in this Asylum
To spend his day in enforced retirement
Waiting till the Reaper takes his soul

Now Warren's anger was all ablaze
That Mick had been left here to decay
Said Warren "I'm getting you out of here right now."

And summoning his telkinetic aura
The doors to Mick's room were torn asunder
Said Mick in reply "Mate they weren't locked."

Warren strode into the Asylum's halls
Sirens blasting out their calls
Emergency a patient is escaping

"Hang on mate. I'm not the only one.
There are others." Mick told Warren
"Where." was Warrens gruff reply.

The two made their way through the Asylum
Dealing with security as they found them
Collecting up the patients who'd been wronged

The Golden Girls, Number 5
Black Vulcan and The Samurai
Were the ones freed on that great day

With the chips removed by Number 5
The escapees got back to their lives
Most thankful for Warren's intervention

Now Mick's back in his Outback home
From where on now he'll never roam
Cause he says its safer to just stay put

And Mick and Warren did have that beer
And a fair few more, but there's no fear
There Australians and thats just the way they like it

Well thats the tale of Mick Dundee
And Warren's hoping for immunity
Cause this ballad we all think is a winner

* thanks to http://fanzone50.com for the david wenham pics

Not My Idea Of Fun

2007-08-22T20:03:00.001-07:00

Superman: "Your challenge is to spend the day at the asylum working with the insane heroes."

Uh huh. Okay. Like I don’t have enough insane people in my life, and he wants to add more. What struck me as odd was they did not take out weapons away when we went inside this place. Dangerous if ask me. I trucked my lightsaber out of reach.

Ford the squirrel pops out of my pocket and looks around. “We are going to have fun in this place. More people crazier than you.” I shoved his head back down.

This woman jumped in front of me and I don’t I’ve been that disturb in a long time. People tell me I emote a lot of emotion when I’m angry but this was ridiculous. Her face could have cracked stone. “Who are you?” I asked.

“I’m the Hisser. Hisssssssssssssssssssss!” she asked.

“What did you say? Kisser?”

“No HISSSSSSSERR!” She blinked and took a step closer. “Do you want a kisser? I can do that to.”

I waved hand. “That’s alright, but thanks.”

She posed and flashed her lashes. “You like me my buns?”

“What?”

“My buns! You like my buns?”

Oh, her hair! “Uh, very nice.” Note to self: tell Padme never wear hair buns again.

She eyes me. “What are you in here for?”

“I’m not in here for anything. I’m visiting.”

“Hissssssssssss! Want play with my snake?” she asked.

“No.”

“Can I play with yours?”

“Excuse me?”

She points down, I looked. There was large black snake wrapping itself around my foot, tongue flickering. Ford jumped of my pocket and took for the tallest thing he could get to. I guess he thought he was going to be lunch.

“This isn’t mine,” I said, moving my foot away.

“Opps that’s mine!” she giggled and picked it up. “My bad!”

She stuck the snake’s head in my face. “Hiisssss name is Slurper,” she told me as I leaned back, glaring. They actually let her have that in here? I shook my head and backed away from her before I took its head off.

Ford jump on my shoulder as son as I was far away form her. “Get me outa here, AS!”

“I told you not to call me that!”

“You rather I called you Hayden?”

I tossed him out the window and left.

Challenge 4

2007-08-19T19:35:00.000-07:00

Crater: " So why exactly are goin' on a field trip? Where are we?"

Superman: " Not everyone is cut out for super hero work sometimes the stress gets to people. "

Jan: "I 'd guess so."

In the back ground a big blue man runs by. " Spooooooon!"

Superman : "As you can see with the Tick over there. This is the Superhero insane asylum. Wait a minute what is she doing here?"

Batgirl: You have to help me Superman .. they think I'm crazy!"

Orderly: "It's time for your shot Morph! Now leave the the TV show alone."

Morph: " Hahahahahhahaahahahaha!"

Anakin: "Yo Dawg! what are doing here ?"

Superman:" Your challenge is to spend the day at the asylum working with the insane heroes."

Jan: " Are they dangerous?"

Superman: " No. Just a little strange. Your work assignments will be passed out to you . And now a word from our sponsor. "

Batman: Do you get sick of listening to your sidekicks? I do. All day long It's holy this and holy that. That's why I give Robin, and the others sidekick Ritalin specially made for annoying junior partners. I never have to go through a scene like this again.

challenge 3 elimintion

2007-08-19T19:11:00.000-07:00

"Welcome contestants!" I greet with as much cheeriness I can muster. Crater whose usual jokes at my expense was acting strange. He was licking his leg and he stares at me with a then emits a small "meow."

I shake my head at that if it's some kind of prank I don't get it. I had in my hand the elimination results they all looked at me expectantly. " It's time for the elimination. "

The pulse rates in the room go up. " Well all the pets seem to be in good shape, and are fairly well trained, except for Streaky who seems to have the symptoms of a hang over you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you Crater?"

" Brrrp! Meow!" Is his only answer.

" Ok. Moving along. One of you the voters thought went a little too far in your training. and became a little too much like your animal."

This is my least favorite part of the show but there can only be one winner. Might as well get it over with.

" Blockade Boy. Turn in your costume."

As they say their good byes I go back to the producers to find out what is the next challenge.

challenge 3 judgement

2007-08-18T18:44:00.002-07:00

Now the Watcher will pass judgement.

Blockade Boy: Interesting method of training the cosmic powered cat I mean Cooties. But it did work so I can't fault it.

Noel: Well the parrot is still a bit annoying but you did succeed in making him stop attacking you.

Crater: I think Streaky trained you.

Jan: the producers are having a problem with the fact you went through three super pets. But I judge that you had indeed trained the dragon, and being able to eat while listening to monkeyboy telling bad jokes is a superpower.

Thousand Faces: Very effective way of training the Apocalypse Ponies.

Skywalker: You seem to have gotten one of the more mild mannered pets. Yet insulting in it's own way.

Now I shall give out the immunity. The winner this week is Thousand Faces.

Here is the viewers vote poll for elimination.

Contestants send your votes to supermanclarkent@yahoo.com. The elimination will happen tomorrow night. The Watcher has spoken. Farewell.

Blockade Boy Has Cooties

2007-08-17T18:02:00.000-07:00

When I got back from saving the Earth from certain destruction, I decided to treat myself to a "spa day" like all the manly warriors enjoy back on my homeworld of Amadus. I disconnected the intercom so I could "sleep in", and when I finally woke up scraped some of the thicker callouses off my palms with a hunk of lava rock and then soaked for a couple hours in a tub filled with frozen cubes of pure vodka. Afterwards I had my robot dinosaur trample on my back for an invigorating massage. I spent the main part of the afternoon grooming my back hair. And -- like I do every day -- I shaved off the huge, cowboy-style mustache I had grown overnight.

And that's how I was late to the super-pet selection. By the time I got there, all that was left was a cat the length of a wiener dog, with sixteen legs, and it was striped like a roll of Lifesavers! I immediately dubbed her "Cootie" (after the toy) and carried her back to my room.

So of course the second I got her into my room she saw the giant yellow robot dinosaur, divided into four different four-legged cats and freaked out!

Cootie Blue stretched her body like a furry rubber band and tore around my room at top speed, knocking crap over.

Cootie Red burst into flame and flew around my room in a panic, setting everything on fire.

Cootie Yellow bulged with rock-like protrusions and stomped all over the furniture, smashing it.

And every time I tried to grab Cootie Green she'd float out of reach and then knock me on my ass with some kind of mental force.

The automatic sprinklers put out the blaze but they also drenched the four Cooties. And since cats hate water, that just pissed them off even more. So I was stuck in a wet, charred dump of a room with four shivering, yowling cats.

I guess I should explain here that I'm not exactly a "cat person." I mean, I had a cat when I was a kid. Kind of. But it was one of my own planet's cats. And on Amadus, everything's way more masculine than it is on Earth.

All the men tend to look like this guy.

(Dad? Is that you?)

And all the women tend to look like Frida Kahlo.

And all the cats tend to look and act like dogs (specifically, Rottweilers). So I was really out of my element here!

I had to improvise. The first order of business was to get their trust, so I went straight for my refrigerator and dug in the big pile of raw steaks I keep in there at all times. That actually got them a little too happy. The little buggers pounced on me before I could even get the meat onto whatever plates they hadn't destroyed yet. I started yelling at them, and they backed up, hissing, their hind legs working like they were about to charge at me again. And sure enough they did, but I was ready for them. At the last instant I used my one natural super-power -- transforming into a steel wall -- and they rebounded off of me, surprised but unhurt. ('Cause they're super!) I finally had them right where I wanted them.

I changed back into my normal cybernetic self, gathered up the steaks in my arms and fixed them with my sternest glare, the one that's made many a rival space-pirate piss his space-knickers. "Listen up, Cooties," I growled. "I'm the boss cat here and you are my underlings. You want this meat? You can beg me for it." I crouched down on the floor with my beefy arms around the steaks and started chewing on a beautifully-marbled slab of top sirloin. (What? You Earth-types actually cook your meat before eating it? Haw! Whatever, nerds!) After a minute Cootie Yellow crept up to me and rolled over on her back. She mewed, softly. The other three Cooties followed suit.

I tore a steak into pieces using only my mighty, sinewy hands and distributed them amongst the four cats. After they'd had their fill, the Cooties reintegrated into one freakishly long cat and curled up on my furry chest. Then we both fell asleep.

I felt like I couldn't leave these dangerous creatures alone in my room until I'd trained them, so I had to make do with what I had. For the next few days I lived like a lion, crawling about on all fours, "hunting" meat from the refrigerator, and -- although it broke my heart -- pooping in that huge bowl of potpourri I keep in the corner. But I'd established an unbreakable dominance over the wild Cootie(s) and had even taught her/them to follow my commands.

Sadly, I was so into character that I nearly disemboweled one of the Hall's cleaning staff when he startled me (my apologies, Pavel) but my fantastic foursome of cats is now a crackerjack crime-fighting team! I've dubbed their specialty move "the Blazing Slingshot of Suffering and Awesomeness." That's where Cootie Red rides Cootie Yellow piggyback-style and Cootie Green uses her telekinesis to snap Cootie Blue into them like a rubber band and send them flying into my enemies. Afterwards I give them a sardine or a toy ball with a jinglebell inside it or something.

Now I just have to get my room back in order. (Step one: replace the potpourri.)

Noel: CRAZY BIRD

2007-08-17T00:17:00.000-07:00

A Super Pet? Why do I need a Super Pet. I mean I am part cat and I have some powers, why can't I be my own pet. But Superman said I needed to pick out a pet.

When I went into the room there were critters every where. The first thing I see was a group of dogs playing on a couch.

Then I spotted a couple of lazier pooches:

This one is all sprawled out like it died .

And this one looks like he fell asleep while watching TV.

Then I see some cats.

Are you sure these are super pets?

Maybe this one is?

I even spot some mice.

Before I can move on to see what else there is, I hear a very loud squawk and I am suddenly attacked.

It takes me a minute to get it off of me. I then hold it out in front of me being careful not to get bitten. I tell it to calm down, hoping it could understand me.

"Calm down, calm down, how can I calm down when you are holding me like this? Your going to eat me aren't you. I know you are, you big fu****g cat."

Wow the birds got a potty mouth. "Well I wouldn't have to hold you like this if you weren't trying to attack me. I'm not going to eat you, I promise."

"Like hell you won't eat me. Your a fu****g cat, and a giant one at that. And what do giant cat's eat. Big birds like myself. I should have pecked your fu****g eyes right out of the sockets when I had the chance."

*sigh* "I swear I won't eat you......." I was going to continue but I was interrupted by Superman.

"So I see you got your pet picked out."

"What my pet, this bird. Ohhhh Nooooo. This thing attacked me. And it wants to eat my eyes. I don't want this crazy bird as my Super Pet."

"Well you are holding the bird and times up for finding your pet, so you are stuck with the bird"

"Times up? We were timed? I didn't know..." I shake my head and look at the bird in my hands.

"Well that's too bad. You will be assigned Chubbs Macaw as your pet."

"Come on please, let me pick another pet. I'll take anything else, even the cat that scratches himself. Please, anything but this crazy bird." But Superman just walk away.

"What the hell, don't I have say in any of this. I don't want to stay with this fu****g crazy cat lady. She is going to eat me."

"I"M NOT GOING TO EAT YOU. I yell. By now everyone has left. I sighed again "Look, I swear I won't eat you. I even have a bird like you back home. Maybe if you behave I'll let you meet her. But for now we are stuck together, so deal with it okay."

Chubbs looked at me, thinking it over. "Do you have a picture of this bird of yours?"

"In fact I do. But I need to let you go, so no biting okay."

"Fine, whatever ." I let him go and he climbs up my arm and sits on my shoulder. I pull out a picture of Daisy.

Chubbs whistles, "Wow, that's one hot chick, I wouldn't mind seeing her nest."

"Yeah well, like I said before. If you behave I'll let you meet her."

"You have a deal." He gave me a foot and we shake on it.

As I head up stairs to my room, I ask "So what kind of powers do you have?"

"Well I can talk, dumb a**."

I nod, "Anything else?"

"I'm smart, I fly, and I can attack when I think someone is a threat to myself."

"I know, but is that it. I mean are you super strong or maybe you can blow fire or move things with your mind."

"NO you stupid bi**h, I can't do any of that. I'm better and smarter then your average Parrot, is that not enough. So I may not be the best fu****g super pet there is. Just deal with it."

"Okay, sorry." I think I hit a nerve.

And that's how we met. So far this week had it's ups and downs. I found out he likes to watch me shower, fricking perverted bird. And when I took him to the pet store to get him some toys and stuff, he kept on whistling at all the girls. I nearly got into a fight with a lady who thought I had whistled at her. It wouldn't be so bad if he whistled at the guys. But he said he don't go that way.

But he has his cute moments. For instance he likes to play hide and seek out side on my roof top patio.

Even though half the time he is so easy to see.

He also sings and does all sorts of tricks and he LOVES to dance.

Here is Chubbs dancing.

But he still has the tendency to attack others who come into my room uninvited. So I had to put up a sign to warn the others.

Everybody wants to be a cat but me

2007-08-16T05:55:00.000-07:00

The rest of the week went from worse to abysmal.
Streaky turned the bar-girls against me. Vanya left after I tried to chuck Streaky out of the house by the scruff of the neck. I knew something was wrong when I thought I caught Streaky asleep.
The next morning I woke with twenty cats in my bed.

He turned my shower into a public cat-box.

When I turned the water on to retaliate he just thumped me.

But the worst was to come. I come home that evening and I'm assaulted by Streaky he knocks me out cold.
I wake up attached to this device. There's this guy chuckling a horrible laugh.
"You wont like what happens to you Mr Crater." he tells me.
"Streaky I'll get you for this." I scream.
"Oh don't worry I'll put your brain back in your body." explained Streaky. "But Frank wanted to know what it was like to be a human. I thought why not, and Modulok was all too keen to put his brain transfer machine to good use."
"Whose Frank?" I ask.
"This little white kitty." Modulok showed me Frank.
"Noooo!" I scream. Modulok throws the switch.

I wake up and all I can do I meow. I see Frank in my body. Thank God he's still wearing underwear. Frank paraded around on all fours, screaming and roaring.

Streaky and he left later to have some fun. I decided to hit the bottle.

Streaky better get Modulok to put my brain back.

Jan gets a super pet

2007-08-15T11:54:00.001-07:00

I looked down at my new super pet.

It looked up at me.

I looked at it.

It looked at me.

“So what are you supposed to be?” I asked.

“I’m Super Cat!” it exclaimed.

“You mean like Streaky?” I asked.

“Well, no not really.” The cat then shook, then sneezed and sent hair everywhere.

“Well that certainly was a disgusting display,” I sniffed. “So what is your – ah… ah-choooo!”

I couldn’t believe it. I don’t usually sneeze like that. That was some sneeze.

“I have super dander,” the cat shrugged sheepishly.

“I can’t believe that I’m training a fracking cat,” I said. “One that makes me – Achoooo!”

“Sorry,” the cat mewed.

“Hold on just one second.” I held up my index finger, then dashed off to see Superman. “Excuse me, uh, Superman. I know you’re busy laughing at our misery and all, but I have a question for you.”

“Yes, what is it, Jan?” Superman asked. Wow, he’s got muscles! I mean, he’s no Blockade Boy, but he’s a good looking man. I kind of like ‘em a little more cerebral though, you know like a writer or something. Too bad, huh? Hah hah.

“Well, I’m having a slight issue with my super pet over there,” I said. “He seems nice and all and I appreciate the fact that he seems to speak English very well, it’s just that…”

“Yes?”

“Well, he makes me sneeze,” I tried to sound all innocent and pure. I don’t think he’s buying it. He’s totally looking at me skeptically.

“I’m afraid that’s the pet that you were issued, Jan,” Superman crossed his arms in front of his chest and shrugged a bit. “Those are the rules. I can’t go around giving everyone a new pet because of some minor inconvenience. You see what I’m saying?”

“Of course,” I said. “It’s just that—Achooo! Wow, that was—Achoooo!”

“Those were some strong sneezes,” Superman said. “Are you all right?”

“Sure,” I sniffed. I could feel my eyes getting all itchy and my nose stuffing up. “I can’t beliebe dat deh cat is affectig me like dis.”

“Perhaps Super Cat’s super dander power is stronger than I anticipated,” Superman mulled. “I’ll tell you what. There’s one more super pet over there. Why don’t you go check him out?”

“Oh dank do, dank do,” I smiled, then rushed over to see what was there.

What I saw wasn’t any better.

“What the frack are you?” I asked.

“I’m Toto the Monkeyboy,” he sang. “And watch your language lady gal. I’m not used to hanging out with you sailors.”

“So you’re a monkeyboy. How did you get here?” I asked. “I thought Earth was safe, er, I thought that there was a galactic embargo on this planet.”

“Oh sure there is, my super doop duper super heroine lady,” he bounced up and down. “I just gradu-ma-lated from the Monkekbok Institute for Training Sidekicks and this is my summer internship-a-dip!”

Man this thing is annoying. “So what do you do? What’s your super power?”

“Oh, well Suzie, like all monkeyboys I have a vaguely-defined super duper super swell morphic ability that allows me to turn into other stuff.”

“Stuff?” I asked. “Like useful stuff? I mean, if I need a rifle or a hydrospanner, you could turn into one?”

“Nuh uh, Jin-Jin the Pretty Engine,” he shook his head. “I can only morph into something funny!”

“Something funny?”

“Right-o, cheerio!”

“And by who’s definition of funny?”

“Mine, of course, you silly Bob. That’s where all my training at the MIT-S comes in! Goes out! Comes in! Come on down!”

“So how do I train you to use this power?” I asked. I think I’m going to regret this.

“I dunno, go go yo yo,” Toto shrugged. “But if I’m your sidekick, imagine all the fun super crazy adventures we’d have! Say, you got a banana?”

“No, I don’t have a banana,” I answered. “Where am I going to keep a banana in this outfit?”

“Gee I dunno, what do I look like your costume design-gineer? All I know is, I gotta have a banana. Right now, man. I’m gettin’ the shakes, and I don’t mean a banana shake, shake shake shake it, honey bunny funny runny!”

“I said that I don’t have one.”

“Aw come on gone lawn, can’t you see I’m jonesin’ for a banana?” He overdramatically threw himself to the ground, then picked himself up again. “You got anything? A plantain? Anything? I just gotta---hulp!”

From out of nowhere, my Komodo dragon snapped up the monkeyboy in his powerful jaws and started eating away at the obnoxious alien.

“Oh this smarts!” Toto yelled. “I tell you, this is a pain that’s going to linger!”

The dragon continued to chomp away as the monkeyboy howled in displeasure.

“Wow, I’m serious,” Toto said. “This pain is something else! Wow, this is worse than sitting through Norbit! Gah!”

The dragon finished devouring the creature, looked at me with almost a satisfied look on his face, and then let out a loud burp.

“Oh dragon,” I leaned down and hugged him and he gurgled happily in response. “You can be my super pet. I think I’ll call you Bitey!”

Operation Super Powered Pets

2007-08-15T07:51:00.000-07:00

When Superman said, “Super Powered Pets” I knew I was set, I commune with nature daily, and that’s the one department I can deal with… Pets!

I skipped into the room. I saw them all. There ere super powered bats, speedy dogs, giant kitties, acid tongue toads, giant monkeys… I didn’t know which one to pick…

So I randomly grabbed four of them. I had to… I didn’t know which ones I should pick. I ran from the building as giddy as a schoolgirl. I took them to my little room in the Hall of Justice.

I set them down and got a look at them… A weird song played and singing accompanied, “My Little Pony – Apocalypse Pony”

Oh no… What have I gotten myself into?

By the time I pulled Death and War off of Pestilence, and I stopped famine from eating all of the other’s food. I was tired, I blinked and Pestilence had infected War, and War was trying to get Death to attack Famine.

I couldn’t talk to them, so I had to take a different form. I knew only one person I could become that would control these beasts.

Seth Green.

“Now boys, boys!” They looked at me, and Death tried to reap me. I moved out of the way and he went headfirst into a tree, and the tree became blighted and died.

“Look, I’m stuck with you. You’re stuck with me.”

Pestilence coughed and I started sneezing. After blowing my nose, I looked at them, War was stabbing Famine again and again.

“Look. I know you guys like mischief and mayhem. Frankly, I know you want to cause the end of the world, I don’t want that, I like the world.” They all turned to me. Famine spat at me, and I felt hungry, War started stabbing my leg, Death tried touching me, and Pestilence created a disease cloud from his nostrils.

This wasn’t turning out the way I hoped, “I can turn you into, Life, Peace, Plenty and Health, So Help Me Great Spirit.” They all fell into line quickly, “Now, you didn’t let me finish. If you promise to not destroy the world, I will let you cause as much mischief and mayhem among my fellow contestants as you want.”

They got into a group, and they started whispering, Death looked over his shoulder at me, and then went back to whispering. They turned around and Death nodded his head, “So we have an accord?”

All four of them nodded, “You promise… You promise not to cause the apocalypse?”

The music played again, “My Little Pony – Apocalypse Ponies” They nodded, “Good Let’s start in Alphabetical Order… Anakin Skywalker.”

They laughed evilly; Seth Green and the Apocalypse Ponies will rule this competition!

I had Pestilence leave some hair loss in Anakin’s Dapper Dan.

Blockade Boy Got a double dose of bad when Pestilence and Famine left a really special burrito in his fridge.

I let War leave glass on Carter’s bed!

Death left a nice big pile of Destruction on Jan’s pillow. That would be nice for her hair.

I let Famine get rid of all of Noel’s cat food, Muhahahah!

Thousand Faces got it, Death and Famine destroyed two of her- Curses… I got carried away with the evil and let the Apocalypse Ponies destroy part of my room. I shaped them a blighted-bone-blood-lava ears incased in obsidian so they can only get out when I let them out.

Apocalypse Ponies ruled by Seth Green – Success?

Watch out super-cat. Wo wo wo wo!

2007-08-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

"Crater you'll be assigned Streaky the super cat." informs Supes.
I can deal with cats, it was super-girls cat. Hmmm super-girl huh! Could get in with the chicka of steel, I hear she likes the Ozzie accent. I go and give Streaky a pat and little sob bites me. Right through my telekinetic arua.
"I though he lost his powers?" I ask Supes.
"Well you know with all of those crisi, reboots and the sort you never know whats happening in the DCU." explained the big S."Of course with you being from Koma's blog and all you wouldn't be used to these fluctuations."

Hang on did Supes just dis Koma's blog?

I take the cat back to my room. The bar girls find Streaky amazingly cute and take him into their care. Training this little super cat is going to be one simple ride.
Later in the night I hear a meow and I smell a stench.
I get up out of bed and my bare feet impact on something squishy. The smell wafts up to me telling me what the cat had been doing while I was asleep.
"Lights." I grumble. I wished the lights didn't go on. The Kangaroo rug was chewed, the bar had been used as a scratching post and the mirror ball was on the floor.
"You little bastard!" I yelled. There was no answer. I looked for Streaky but he was long gone, the door had gotten a cat sized hole in it.
I follow the trail of destruction. It leads outside and I can hear cats hissing and screaming. The image is one that will be burned into my mind forever.
"Streaky what are you doing?" I yell.
The cat just gives me look and I hear in my head "Your Mama."
"Oh good your telepathic. Then read this." I think of what I'm going to do with that horny feline. He gets the message, stops molesting the other two cats and pads slowly up to me.
"You think you can take me?" threatens Streaky.
"Bring it on..... Pussy!" I taunt. Then everything goes black.

I wake up the next morning in a dumpster. I get back to the hall of justice and the door's fixed, the scratches in the bar are gone, the mirror ball has been re-attached and there's a new kangaroo rug.
The bar-girls are back. Vanya's cuddling Streaky. Stroking him and he's purring away.
"So who's the pussy now?" I hear in my head. "Here's how its going to go Warren. I'm going to get my way and your going to like it."

This is not going well at all.

Picking a Pet

2007-08-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

A pet? A pet? What kinda of show makes you pick a superhero pet? I walked into that room filled with creatures and started to sneeze. Anything with fur does that to me. I covered my nose and looked around. Absolutely nothing appealed; I’m not a pet person.

“Pssst!” I heard to my left. I looked around and saw no one. “Pssst!” I felt something crawl on my foot, something heavy. I looked down. “You’re a tall one,” it said.

My eyebrow shot up. “What in the six layers of Hoth are you?”

“What do I look like? I’m a genetically enhanced squirrel, Blondie,” it said, giving me the same look I was giving it. Then it ran up my leg, around my waist, and took a set on my shoulder, looking me right in the eye. I waited to sneeze and I didn’t.

“Listen, you need me, bro. I won’t make you sneeze, I don’t eat much, just nuts. Sometimes a pretzel is nice but whatever. I can fit in your pocket and we can save the day!”

“You don’t look that much like a superhero pet,” I muttered. “What can you do?”

The Squirrel snorted. “Beside being buff and cute? I can chew threw any kind of metal you can think of.”

I snorted and lifted my right arm. “This is durasteel, you can’t chew through this.”

He ran down my arm and looked the metal over, nose wiggling. “Oh, yeah, I can.” Next thing I knew he had bit off my little finger! WTF???!! He looked back up at me with my finger in his mouth. “I hopm youf dodft needh dat.”

“What?”

He dropped my finger. “I hope you didn’t need that.”

“Of course I blasted need it! It’s my FIGNER!”

He twittered. “Sorry.”

“Do you have any idea how long that is going to take to fix that?” I shouted.

He twittered again, and then ran down my chest, down inside my pants and out my boot. Grabbing my finger he shot back up the same way. Ever had a squirrel in your pants? It doesn’t feel good.

Anyway, I was steaming. The squirrel runs back to my hand, whips out a tool kit out of his pocket and started reattaching my finger. I watched him work, I think my mouth was hanging open. When he was finished he looks up.

“You might want to close that, you might swallow a fly,” he said. “See? I’m very…um… handy.” He starts laughing at his own joke.

“Har har,” I said. “Fine. You’ll do. What is your name?”

He takes a long breath. “Francesco Onfroi Renaldo Dumont. But you can call me Ford.”

“I’m Anakin Skywalker.”

Ford snickers. “Anakin? Skywalker? Only two names? What do I call you? AS?”

I rolled my eyes. “Call me Anakin.”

“Okkkkkk.”

“And stay out of my pants.”

“If you say so. No nuts in there anyway.”

What have I got myself into?

Skywalker out.

Third Challenge

2007-08-12T20:08:00.001-07:00

After the last challenge we're going to give you a more simple one.

Blockade boy: Good I need vacation.

Superman: I wouldn't call this a vacation .

Jan: It can't be worse than dodging Daleks.

Superman : I suppose it's a matter of perspective.

Noel: I'm almost afraid to find out what it is.

Superman: This week you will be training super pets, as in the worst of them each pet will have a superpower of some sort. And they all have bad attitudes. hopefully by the end of the week you have your assigned pet well trained.

Jan: One of them won't turn into a person and try to date us will it?

Superman: I hope not. Go into the next room and choose your pet. Great Krypton!

X-23: They um escaped.

Crater: Can I pick the one in the mini skirt?

Superman: No.

Challenge 2 elimination

2007-08-12T19:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome everyone. Fist on the agenda I've had a talk with the Watcher, and Have told him to stop calling everyone "mortals" Since it is condescending.

Crater: OK get on with it. Who was eliminated?

Superman Fine. You all have done very well, and I must think you all for the help with the alien invasion...

Professor X: I sense you are drawing this out on purpose.

Yes well The voters thought one of you didn't go exactly with the challenge and had to much help. This is my least favorite part of the game. The one who was eliminated is......

Charles Xavier. Please turn in your costume. Next challenge is coming soon.

Challenge 2 judgment

2007-08-11T18:27:00.000-07:00

Attention for the Watcher passes judgement!

Professor X: You have a habit of getting others to help with your challenges. That show initiative good work.

Noel: you get extra points for getting the attackers over to your side.

Crater: If your awake , I'd like to say you you defeated the the aliens with style. To bad about Batman though.

Jan: Daleks are pesky. Nice try on trying to convince them that you are the Doctor. Unfortunately you are now being sued for identity theft. Never impersonate a Time Lord.

Blockade Boy: You did quite well against The bacon monsters , And great chase scene with the man from Uranus.

Skywalker: At last the menace of Justin Timberlake will menace the Universe no more.

Thousand faces: You thought well on your feet against the Martin hordes.

Congratulations mortals! You have all impressed me on this challenge. This time choosing one for immunity will be hard , but since I must This weeks immunity winner is Skywalker.

Now comes time for the vote off. Viewers vote on the poll below, contestants should vote by emailing your choice at Supermanclarkent@yahoo.com

The Watcher has spoken... farewell.

Xavier vs. alien weirdos.

2007-08-11T04:52:00.000-07:00

I hurried into the meeting room and took a seat in the back to hear the next mission from some old drunk in a Superman costume. All eyes turned to look at me.

"Since when do you walk?" Jan demanded.

"Yeah, that wheelchair is part of your whole thing, you know?" said someone else.

"Don't you people read comics?" I asked. "These things come and go. I'm sure I'll be back in my chair in a few months. Now what's the mission?"

Between belches the rummy managed to get out that we had to stop separate alien invasions. I immediately called dibs on stopping the one in New York. It's the one closest to my school where I keep the X-Men. Having your own private army can come in handy sometimes. Such as now, for instance.

I hopped aboard this handy little rocket I found laying around and took off for NYC.

On the way, I contacted my school telepathically. Cyclops, it turns out, was buried deep under the covers of his bed curled up in the fetal position crying about Jean or Emma or Madyline or whoever the hell he's involved with this week. Wolverine was simultaneously battling Hand ninjas in Japan, Sabertooth in Canada and Sentinels in the Savage Land. Storm was having a press conference for Hillary.

The only mutants actually at the school were Generation X. No offense to that team but they're more drama queens than super-heroes. I didn't have time for that soap opera. Clearly I'd need to find other stooges, er, heroes, to fight this battle for me.

I landed the ship on the street in front of 177A Bleecker Street, the Sanctum Sanctorum of Dr. Strange. His man-servant showed me into the parlor where I found the Defenders, the ones who matter anyway, playing Gin. Namor was just laying down his cards with a big gloating smile on his face.

"Fish Man cheat!" bellowed the Hulk.

"Ha! Your skills at cards match your wits, you pathetic imbecile," retorted Namor.

"Actually Namor," said the Silver Surfer, "you do appear to have two cards tucked into your wrist band." He pointed at Namor's left hand. Namor quickly hid his hand under the table.

"You dare accuse the Prince of Atlantis of cheating?!" Namor roared, flipping the table over. Everyone got to their feet, hands curled into tight fists. Namor threw a devastating punch that sent the Surfer through a wall. The Hulk smashed Namor hard in the chest, sending him through the opposite wall.

I looked over at Dr. Strange questioningly and he just laughed. "All our card games end like this, he said. He mumbled a few words and the walls magically repaired themselves. Namor, Hulk and Surfer all charged towards each other, as if to attack again.

"Er, excuse me gentlemen," I said. They stopped and turned to look at me. "But there is a great crisis placing the city in peril and I need the help of your team."

"We aren't a team!" all four yelled back at once.

"Oh right," I said. "Nonetheless, I need your help."

"Who are you?" Namor asked.

"What? But I'm Charles Xavier."

They all looked at me for a moment. "Where's baldy's chair?" Hulk asked.

"Yes, and why are you wearing that silly cape?" the Surfer added.

"It's a long story. Aliens are invading and -"

Just then a huge explosion from outside on the street shook the building. We all rushed outside and saw an army of robots moving down the block, shooting everything in sight. Great. Robots. My telepathic powers are useless against them.

I looked at the Defenders and pointed at the robots. "Destroy!" I yelled and they all leaped to action. The battle was over rather quickly. Broken metal wreckage lay strewn all over the streets. Maybe I should try and recruit these guys for the X-Men.

Once the ground forces were destroyed, Dr. Strange cast a spell on my rocket tripling it's size. We piled in and took off for the mother ship.

There were several small ships defending it but the Silver Surfer made quick work of them. Hulk leaped from our airlock at the giant space craft and made a big hole for us to enter. More robots heroically threw their imitation lives away by charging at Namor and Hulk. They both seemed to really enjoy smashing the crap out of things.

We soon reached the command center where sat the warlord. She was hot.

"Do you really think you pathetic humans can stop my plans?" she said with haughty indignation.

"Well, we destroyed your ground army and air fleet," I pointed out, "so my answer would be yes."

The evil hot robot laughed. "That was merely entertainment," she said. "Now I shall execute my real plan. When I push this button a Vorporal Ray will shoot from the Petanium Generator that is the heart of this ship and your entire world will be disintegrated! Ha! Ha! Ha!"

She certainly was a happy robot. I say "was" because Namor picked up a smashed robot's arm and threw it right through her perfect chest. Sparks flew from the wires peeking out as she slowly slumped to the floor making some kind of incoherent clicking sound. It sounded like she said something about not being able to find out the ending to Lost now, but that can't be right.

Strange, Namor, Hulk and I took off in our ship as the Silver Surfer fired some kind of energy blast into the heart of the ship that overloaded the generator. The whole thing exploded into a huge fireball.

Mission Accomplished.

Noel: Saving Earth

2007-08-11T00:11:00.001-07:00

After E2 Superman told us what we had to do I quickly ran out to my ship. I never have cared for fighting, but I can do just as well as anyone in air or ground combat.The good thing is my ship is equipped for such a thing. Ever since the mess with Kloddo (he's dead now), I had all my ships equipped with a large amount of weaponry and had my shields upgraded to my own specifications. So now they are all near indestructible. So this will be easy.

My personal ship Lone Star 2 is my favorite and most used ship. Thus being the one with the most weapons and the strongest shields.

As I entered Earths Air Space I scanned the surrounding area and my sensors picked up a couple hundred fighters and a couple larger ships. I decided to do a sneak attack on the larger ships first. I turned on my cloaking devise and made my way to one of the larger ships. Swooping in close to one of them I scanned its shield frequency. Once I got the information I needed I adjusted my shields to match it's own. Now I can sneak under it's shields and destroy it without even being detected. I quickly took out the propulsion system, it's weaponry and it's shielding. Now that it is nothing more then a sitting duck, I move on to the next one. Soon it too was in the same state.

I then started after the smaller ships:

Pretty easy.

I wanted to hear the what the others were saying so I turn on my head set and had it search for a random single. Once I got the single from the enemy I heard nothing but a whole lot of cussing going on. It seemed like nobody knew where the attacks were coming from, and that's the way I wanted it. Just before I turned off the head set I heard a voice swear in my native Nepton language. Then the voice continued to shout out orders. Knowing that almost all native Neptons died, along with our language, during the attack on our planet. I was curious as to who this man was and if it was really a Nepton. So I decided to find him.

I did a quick search trying to lock onto this mans signal. It took me a minute, but I managed to lock onto it and I found it's source. It was a small fighter. Flying along behind it with my cloaking devise still on I decided to scan the ship. I found it carried a single being. This small fighter joined up with several others that looked just like it. With my head set still on I heard this man shout out in Nepton.

"They were attacked out of no where"

"...." the other side answered. I was searching the for the other signals.

"I did a scan, I didn't pick up a damn thing"

"......." Still working on it.

"I never thought of that, I'll give it a try."

As I was trying to get the other signals, I spotted a light on my control panel go off. 'Shit they are scanning my ship' I thought. Before I could do anything the ship I was listening to spoke up.

"I found it, it's right here...... and I believe it is listening to me."

'Double shit' I looked up and seen the ships surround me.

I'm not to afraid since I can just jamb their frequencies, reprogram my shielding frequencies, and high tail it out of there. But before I do I decided to see just who this person is.

So I quickly turn on my microphone and spoke in the Native Nepton language. "Yeah I'm here, and yeah I'm listening in on you. But I want to know how YOU know the Nepton language?"

"I should be the one asking you the questions, not the other way around. Why did you attack the base ships, and how do YOU know the language of MY people?" He yelled at me.

"YOUR people? Your Neptonian?" I asked.

"Yeah.... so answer my questions or I'll blow you away."

"Well first of all I'm a Neptonian too, second I attacked your base ships, cause I'm helping Earth stay safe from your attacks. Now tell my why are you attacking Earth in the first place."

"How... Why... It's not possible. There is NO way you can be a Neptonian. My group and I are all that's left of the survivors. I and a few other joined up with several other species to take over Earth. They promised us if we helped them fight they would give us a section of the surface to live on. I'm doing this to save my people."

I moved my ship closer to his, so close in fact that once I turned off my cloaking device he could clearly see me. Once I was close enough I turned off the device. I could see him look on in amazement'Damn he's hot' I thought. I slipped the mask off my face and waved. I then asked."So there are more survivors?"

"What do you mean by MORE?"

"Well I for one survived and I know of a couple others"

"Really how did you and these others manage to survive?"

"Well I was stranded on Christa the night of the attack and lived there for close to a hundred years before I left. Long story on how I got there. The others wouldn't tell me their stories. Memories are too hard to talk about I guess."

"So are these others living on this planet?"

"No they live and work at Sky City, my Space Resort. And if you stop these attacks and help me defeat these aliens I'll offer you and all the other survivors the same thing."

"Hummm.....let me talk to the others." Suddenly my head set went fuzzy. I sat there for a few minutes. Finally he came back on. "So you say you can offer us jobs and a place to live on the Resort Ship of yours?"

"Yup I can, and if you don't wish to live on this resort I'm sure I can find a safe place for you and whoever else to live."

"So where is this Resort ship of yours?"

I took a minute to get all the information he would need about Sky City. I then sent it to him."Here is all the info on Sky City."

The line went quiet for a few more minutes. "Well this offer is better then any of the others. We will take it and help you. Here is all the information you'll need on the ships shielding and weaponry. Also the location of the main base."

"Wow, Thanks. I'll need help destroying the ships in the air also with taking out the base.

"We'll follow you."

"Do you have cloaking devices on your ships?"

"Yup"

"Okay turn them on the put them on the same frequency as mine. Also change the radio frequency to this. It's a safer channel."

"Okay I sent word down to the base to a few fellow Neptonians. They will take out the communication network so that the enemies will be deaf to what is going on. That way nobody will know what is going on until it's to late."

"Great this will be easy then, first we need to take out these space fighter. Then a few of us will go down to take out the ground forces. THEN we will take out the main base and the Warlord. Got it."

"Got it. We'll be ready in a few."

After a few minutes everyone was ready. We attacked fast and hard. They never knew what hit them. As soon as most of the enemy ships were destroyed I went to attack the ground forces and destroy the main base. I took a couple comrades with me, leaving the others to finish off the space fight.

We landed near the base and since the Neptonians were still supposed to be working for the enemy, we easily took over a couple ground walkers.

We then made quick work of the ground forces.

Now for the main base and Warlord.

Once again the infiltration of the base was easy. With the help of the others of course. They also gave me a suit so I wouldn't stand out. Even though the guys really liked my outfit. I told them I'll explain it later, for now we have things to do.

When we entered the base everyone was running around in a panic. There was alien species of all types. Luckily nobody really took notice of us. We quickly made our way to the center core/or energy room. I figured that if we plant a bomb here it will easily destroy the whole base, along with the Warlord.

Placing the bomb and setting the timer to give us plenty of time to escape. We left. We made our way through the maze of hallways. Once we nearly made it out we were stopped.

This guy was absolutely pissed. It started yelling in a strange language then attacked us. I was pushed out of the way and was told that this was the Warlord and that they would deal with him. I laid low and watch them fight. But this creepy alien dude was strong and we were losing time. We needed to get out and fast. So as a last ditched effort I used my powers. I hate using them cause they leave me extremely drained. With my powers I pictured his heart in my minds eye. I then pinched the main artery, stopping blood flow to his heart.

I watched as he grabbed at his chest and collapsed, dead. The other were surprised at what happened. Then looked at me. I was on my knees breathing hard, almost ready to pass out. One of the guys named Nate, asked if I was okay and I just nodded and said that we better get out of there and fast. He picked my up bridal style and ran out with the others close behind. We just made it out when the building exploded. We were thrown several yards and showered with pieces of burning building. Nate protected me from the burning metal and ash. Once every thing settled Nate let me up.

He asked me if I was okay and I said yeah. He however had a large gash on his shoulder. I went to look at it but he pushed me away saying that he was fine and that we should find the others.

After a quick search and some digging we found everyone, alive and doing okay. They all had mild cuts and bruises, but nothing real major. Since their quarters were destroyed and knowing that the challenge was over, we met up with the others that stayed to finish the space fight, and we headed back to the Hall of Justice. Not caring about the looks we got, I had them come up to my room to get showered and bandaged. We spent hours just talking and getting to know one another. But I wasn't sure if guests were aloud to stay here so I arranged for them to stay at a near by hotel. There was still so much I wanted to talk to them about.

When they left I noticed that they left a few pictures.

THIS IS Jowel:

ANNA & YASH

NATE (My favorite guy)

I blew up your mother.....ship Part 2

2007-08-10T21:09:00.000-07:00

I was still falling when I saw the alien base, I also spotted troops outside the base. Might as well make the best of the situation. Its times like these when I realise that having this power is just so cool.
I hit the ground and set off seismometers across the south pacific. I was informed later that I rated a 4.2 on the Richter scale. Good times.

"Whooo! That was a rush!" I yell. I look around at the devastation I caused. "Its good to me."
I chuckle as I kick the dead and dying corpses out of my way. I get to the base. Its got a huge wall around it and looks like a castle. I knock on the big steel gates.
"Little pig little pig let me in." I taunt. A little sensor thing pops out of the wall.
"zzzzzt identify yourself." says the sensor.
"I'm Crater. I'm 5'11, 75 kg, blue eyes, red hair. I'm a Libra and I like to beat up aliens who try to take over my planet." I was going to go with long walks on the beach at sunset but who am I kidding. I'm can't commit to a relation ship that lasts longer than two hours. I'm shallow and insensitive, but thats ok I'm an Australian.

"zzzzz intruder alert." replies the sensor.
"They always want to do it the hard way." I sigh. I strike the doors as hard as I can, which when you add my Telekinetic aura is a lot of force. There's an almighty metallic "Krannnnnnng".
"Ohh Shit." I mutter. Cause the gates haven't even got a dent in them. I was guessing adamantium, or vibranium. But then they begin to open up.

"My God Pink Floyd were warning us!" I utter as marching out of the castle walls were an army of giant hammers. It was like I was on a bad LSD trip. Hang on I could be. Then the hammers turned on me, one by one hammering me into the ground.
"Thanks I really wanted to know how a nail felt like. Not!" I yelled my head just above the ground. I was ok but I had one mother-ship of a headache. I decide to play possum and act like they knocked me out. I hear someone barking orders to put me in a cell. One of them drags me out of the hole, his hands slip into my pocket and then he screams.
I open an eye to see whats going on and one of the aliens is holding his hand and writhing in pain.
"The human has poison!" he screams.
I check my pocket. There's something black on it, I smell it, I taste it. Vegemite. The top of the jar must have gotten loose when I was getting nailed by the hammers.
I decided that it was time to act.
"Thats right I got poison and I'm not afraid to use it." I shout. I only had a small jar of Vegemite on me.
A few try to rush me, I fling some Vegemite at them they fall in a screaming heap.
The rest give up right there and then.

No long after that a few of the Leaguers showed up with the NZ Defense Force to clean up. Red Arrow, and the ultra-hot Vixen (Rrrrroow). I got a high five from Red Arrow and Vixen even smiled at me. She slinked up towards me and kissed me on the cheek.
"Sorry." she appologised. My body went all limp.
"Vixen's using poison Ivy's knockout lipstick" Said a gravely voice.
"Batman!" I called out.
"Yes." Answered Batman. "Now time to wash your mouth out!"

Jan on Earth

2007-08-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

With the Daleks in space cleared out and the Pegasus Elite heading back towards Earth, I had a moment to think about what was going on.

What could the Daleks be doing here? I thought. Why Earth? Why now?

Weren’t they all destroyed in some sort of “Time War?”

Maybe I need to do the Time War again.

OK, that was almost funny.

I chuckled to myself thinking about the whole situation. Would that make me crazy? Or maybe I’m sane in a crazy universe. Yes, that’s it, I can live with that explanation.

I met none of the invaders on the way down, clearly all that’s left of this force is already on the ground; maybe I’ll be lucky and be able to strafe them all from the ship. Naw, of course I’ll never catch a break like that.

I swoop down low to the ground and I see legions of Daleks in the streets firing madly at cars, buildings, anything that’s in their way. Fortunately, it looks as if the streets are clear of actual humans. Somebody warned them. Maybe somebody out there does like me after all.

Energy leapt forth out of my turbolaser cannons and the Daleks on the ground sliced open and exploded. I pulled back on the controls and took the ship back up into the air and circled around for another pass.

This time they were ready for me. The Daleks and I traded fire, they exploded and burned but my ship also took hits.

“Stupid tin can bastards,” I cursed through my teeth as smoke erupted from my starboard engine manifold. The computer readings indicated that the damage was not too severe and repairs had already begun. I had to make another pass, though. I think I’ll use my torpedoes on this one.

I swung the Pegasus Elite around one more time and fired off a pair of torpedoes. Explosions rocked the city and the invading aliens who weren’t instantly vaporized were thrown high into the air. Unfortunately, I took some more hits on that last run and I definitely need to put this thing down before I turn into one giant skid mark along the highway.

I dropped down to ground level and engaged the retrothrusters to bring the ship to a hover. It groaned and reluctantly slowed to a halt, then with a ripping of metal, the Pegasus Elite crashed the last two meters to the ground.

“Any landing you can walk away from—” I mumbled to myself as I unbuckled the straps holding me to my seat. I dashed to the hatch, grabbing my rifle along the way and hopped out onto the ground.

I surveyed the area. Thick smoke wafted through the air and small fires were burning everywhere along the streets. Overturned cars and broken husks of the invading creatures littered the streets as well. Before me was some sort of an edifice – some sort of fortification that the Daleks either beamed in or dropped from the sky. All was quiet, but I knew dangers waited within.

“Exterminate! Exterminate!” A Dalek rolled forth through the open ramp of the fortress, I quickly fired at it with my rifle and it exploded in a hail of sparks and smoke.

I launched myself through the portal and destroyed three more Daleks standing guard. My boots clacked on the metal deck as I ran down the hallway and burst through the door at the end.

“Puny human, I declare this planet conquered in the name of the Daleks,” an immense Dalek announced.

“I don’t think so,” I answered. I looked up at the imposing metal monstrosity and the shriveled mutant residing within a transparent container on it. “What the frack are you?”

“I am the Emperor Dalek. Your weapon is useless,” it declared. “Prepare to be exterminated.”

I aimed my rifle and fired. The shots ricocheted off the Emperor’s shields. I fired again, but got the exact same results. A magnetic beam then wrenched the gun out of my hand and it went clattering across the floor.

“Your weapons are useless against the Emperor,” it repeated. “We will exterminate you and everything else on this planet. We will harvest your genetic material. We will plunder your resources and mine your Illudium Phosdex.”

“Not if I can stop you,” I asserted as I pulled my sonic screwdriver out of my cargo pocket.

“That is not even a weapon,” the Emperor replied. If a Dalek could sound smug, it might have right then and there. “You cannot harm me with that.”

“Really?” I asked while thumbing the device. “Then perhaps you haven’t heard of the Oncoming Storm.”

The Dalek paused for a moment.

“Are you the Oncoming Storm?” It asked.

“Well, I’ve heard of the Oncoming Storm,” I answered. “I know what it is and I know how to use it.”

“Are you the Oncoming Storm?” it repeated, emphasizing each word with its digitized voice.

“Well I, uh,” I stammered, still thumbing the device. Then I decided to go for broke. “Yes. Yes, I am the Oncoming Storm. You will surrender to me or face termination.”

“You will not terminate me,” it howled back. “It is you who will be exterminated. Our records indicate that the Doctor is not female. You are not the Oncoming Storm.”

“You may be right, big fella,” I answered. “But I’ve got something here that will make you think twice about your invasion plans.”

“And what is that, human?”

“This!” With a final burst of sonic energy from my screwdriver, all of the loosened bolts holding the clear tank to the rest of the Dalek chassis popped free. The tank dropped, popped open and rolled to its side. The mutant creature that was the Emperor Dalek slid out.

“Cease your aggression!” It gurgled. “You will be exterminated!”

“I don’t think so,” I said coldly and I stomped my foot right on top of the malformed alien.

Blockade Boy vs. the Menace from Uranus

2007-08-09T16:36:00.000-07:00

As soon as Superman (the crotchety old "Sam Waterston" version) warned us about the impending alien invasion, strange spacecraft were spotted over several major cities. I knew which planet's army I wanted to fight. I stepped forward and declared in my loudest, deepest, most gravelly voice, "Uranus has threatened Earth for too long! They may talk of a 'peaceful occupation' but I think we all know that's a lot of hot air. It stinks. And as I know a little something about invasions myself, I say I'm just the man to put Uranus in its place! ...Thank you. Thank you, all." I clasped my hands behind my back, reverently bowed my head, and waited for the thunderous ovation that was certain to occur. After an awkward minute of total silence, Earth 2 Superman finally pointed out that everybody else had left to fight the invasion some time ago. I whipped my head around and sure enough, the hall was empty. A perfectly good speech, wasted!

"Guess I might as well put on some battle gear," I shrugged, and I pulled back my pink, finned cowl.

"Whoa there, youngster!" exclaimed Old Superman. "You've got to keep that costume on. It's a symbol of authority!"

"But it looks ridiculous!" I protested. "Anyway, everything below my waist is made of metal. Technically, I don't even need to wear clothes! My magnetic codpiece covers up all the objectionable bits."

"We don't have time for your foolishness, boy! Now, git!" He spun me around and slapped my ass for emphasis. I instinctively raised my hand to smack the bejeezus out of him but caught myself when I remembered he could heat-vision my head into a fine mist.

"Okay already! Can you at least point me to a space suit? I can't pilot one of these primitive 21st Century spaceships into the sub-stratosphere just wearing this goofy get-up."

"Young Superman had Phillipe, one of the fashion designers, whip something up for you, special. Oh, look! Here's Phillipe now, modeling it!"

"I'll pass," I said, and made a beeline for the rocket pad. Which seemed to be further away than I remembered it. I kept running and running, and there was seemingly no end in sight. I wanted to turn around but some mechanism in my robotic legs had frozen up, so I just kept hurtling forward. Still, I had some encouragement: every mile or so I'd pass a road sign with an arrow, saying things like "Why not stop in at the Rocket Pad?" while on the opposite side of the road were signs facing the other way, with slogans like "Thanks for stopping in at the Rocket Pad!" My metal legs never tired, but after about an hour of this nonsense I began to wonder if maybe "the Rocket Pad" was some kind of tavern or rest stop and not a real rocket pad at all! Meanwhile, angry red Uranian spaceships were whizzing mockingly overhead. Finally I decided I'd better thumb a ride. One tantalizing glimpse of my metal ankles later and I was gliding along in style courtesy of a very nice retired couple from Tulsa. We were going so fast it was almost like we were flying. In no time at all, we'd reached the Rocket Pad!

Which turned out to be a Used Rocket Lot and not the Hall's official rocket pad at all. After some hasty wheeling-and-dealing I found myself in a really quite affordable craft that just happened to resemble a rusted Space Shuttle with the nose filed to a point. I tore off into the raging skies on my noble mission to slaughter the enemy. Admittedly it took a little bit to get used to the controls. I kind of side-swiped some old building. I was so revved up, I couldn't stop a little nervous laughter from slipping out.

The Uranian fighter ships were surprisingly easy to destroy, although there were hundreds of them. As I fought my way through the swarm, I realized they were protecting a much larger craft that was sinking slowly and with great purpose towards the surface. Just then a little message began blinking on my ship's com-screen. "Service engine soon," it politely suggested, and then the entire cabin was engulfed in flames. I yanked off my ridiculous costume with one hand -- while still sitting down, just as a magician can pull a tablecloth off a table and leave the glasses and plates undisturbed -- and used it to smother the blaze while with my other hand I manhandled the controls. I managed to land without crashing in the Mojave Desert. The Uranian ships I'd crippled were still coming down around me as I squinted at the horizon. The larger ship I'd seen was descending into the outskirts of Las Vegas. As it fell, its silhouette shifted into a vaguely humanoid shape.

It was a robot.

The brutish Uranian shock troops crawled from their wreck spacecraft and began to gather in a mob. They looked like they were made out of bacon, or maybe boiled shrimp. I balled my mighty, hairy hands into fists. I was prepared to smash my way through them if they stood between me and that robot.

"Over this way!" someone yelled at me. It was a grizzled old prospector with tobacco juice in his beard and a rope for a belt. "I always knew th' dang moon-men would try to take over th' Earth! They're jealous, see? 'Cause we have nickel slots and they don't!"

I shook my head. "Save yourself, sir! It's me they want! And by all that's good and right, I'm just what they're going to get! And they'll be sorry for the day they ever thought Earth would give up its freedom without a fight! ...Also, you might want to consider buying a good shampoo and a conditioner, and some kind of exfoliating scrub. They don't have to be expensive. In fact-- wait a minute -- here we go." I dug inside one of my leg compartments and produced a discount coupon for the Bath and Body Works. "This should still be good." At that point the Uranian bacon-men were pretty much on top of us, so I shoved the prospector into his cave and went to work, swiftly and efficiently busting heads. Within minutes half of them were dead or knocked out and the other half were limping away, so I could finally head off towards the robot. This time I didn't wait around for a tourist to give me a ride. My metal legs took off at double-speed and when I spotted a couple of motorcyclists I just knocked them off their bikes. Without missing a beat I leaped atop the still-running cycles (one foot on each bike) and straddled those puppies straight into Vegas! The robot was marching through the streets, causing citizens and tourists alike to lose their shit.

One hysterical idiot pointed at the robot as soon as he saw me. "Yeah," I told him, "I can see it. Thanks for the help, genius." Then I addressed the robot. "Hey! I just decimated most of your invasion fleet! I'll give you one chance to leave Earth before I kick your tin-plated ass... Blockade Boy-style!"

But the crimson giant just ignored me. As it continued to stride forward, I threw myself on one of its legs and shimmied upwards toward the back of its head. It swung one of its arms in the direction of a hotel. I could hear huge fan blades whirring within the robot's chest. With a shiver, I realized the robot was about to destroy the entire building. I hollered at the people inside to evacuate. Sadly, most of them were too drunk, high, engaged in lovemaking or suicidally depressed to make much sense of what I was trying to tell them. That all changed once the bricks started coming off. Some of the inhabitants managed to stumble down the stairs and through the front door, a few scrambled down the fire escape, and one jerk -- probably high off 'shrooms or maybe he'd licked a toad or somethin' -- was left waving at the robot and me with a goofy smile on his kisser. "Are they filming Transformers 2 already?" he yelled. With a frustrated growl I hopped down onto the robot's shoulder and slid down its other arm like a snowboarder, towards the idiot's window. Then I snatched him from his room and slung him with a perfect trajectory towards a lamp post. His sturdy woven hemp hoodie caught on the post's arm. He's probably still hanging there.

And just in time, too, because the whole building collapsed. I climbed back up the robot's body and located the entrance hatch. With one stamp of my metal foot I busted the locking mechanism. Then I pried the door free and jumped through the hole.

The robot's pilot was quite different from the shock troops, hailing instead from Uranus' Philosopher Caste. I should also add he was unexpectedly mellow about having a strange man come through his entry hole.

I pushed him up against a nearby wall. "What's your part in this whole invasion?" I shouted.

"Oh, I'm kind of totally in charge of it," he giggled. "In fact, it was really my idea!"

I snarled, menacingly. "What the hell, bro'? You think this is funny? Innocent people could have died! And what about the Uranian non-aggression treaty with this planet?" I grabbed him by his scrawny arms and shook him a little to show I meant business.

He yelped, "Relax, dude! It's a gag! I'm only doing this to get on a reality show! The Solar System's Funniest Invasions! Maybe you've heard of it?"

"How dare you," I spat. "That is disgusting. I would never do anything so outrageous just for the sake of a reality show!" My right eyelid twitched a little as I said the words but I think I still managed to say it with a straight face. "Your reign of terror is over, Klagg. I'm turning you in to the Earth authorities."

"Big deal. So I'll spend a few months in some cushy American or Canadian white collar prison."

I leaned in towards him and fixed his gaze with my grimmest smile. "I was thinking more along the lines of the Phillipines, Klagg. I hope you like performing in knock-offs of Michael Jackson videos!"

All the yellow drained from his face. "You'll never take me alive!" he cried. He pulled a lever and the floor opened up, sending him down a chute that exited out the robot's foot. I followed after him, but I was so much bigger than him that I got stuck at around the knee. I had to pull myself the rest of the way through. By then, Klagg was surrounded by an angry crowd.

"This is the jack-off who tore down my hotel?" said one woman, incredulously.

"Doesn't look so tough to me," observed an elderly man in a bathrobe.

"I think we ought to kick his ass," suggested a toddler.

Speechless, Kragg gaped at the circling mass of people, which was growing bigger by the second. Someone threw a crumpled-up can of Red Bull at him. It rebounded off his forehead with a satisfying *thonk* noise. Klagg panicked.

But I cut him off before he could make it back inside. He zipped around me. "So what?!" he screamed. "Big deal! Before I landed I fired off a nano-drone to build me a fortress out of atoms converted from dust and twigs and moonbeams and happy thoughts! It should be just about finished by now!" His skinny frame was remarkably quick, but I managed to catch up with him by the time he'd entered a local park (and had pissed off an entirely different mob, apparently). A power outage caused by this (or some other) invasion had left the area in darkness but I could see the outlines of a strange, towering structure with a mechanical lift at the bottom. Klagg jumped on it and shot upwards into the fortress.

I quickly found some hand-holds and followed after him. Just then, Klagg hit some switch and the edifice blazed with light. Klagg yelled triumphantly "My mighty fortress is impenetrable! None may touch me in-- er. Oh."

I couldn't help grinning as I clambered over the ledge. "Your 'mighty fortress' looks awfully busted, Klagg."

He slumped forward, demoralized. "That's what I get for buying my robot spacecraft at a Rocket Pad," he sighed.

I retrieved a pair of electro-cuffs from a leg compartment and took him into custody. "Let's go, little man," I said. "Maybe if you're lucky you'll get the lead in 'Smooth Criminal.'"

Spaceships, ground troops, monsters, and warlords

2007-08-09T09:37:00.000-07:00

I deal with this stuff every day, so naturally I thought this would be a piece of cake. It’s obvious I haven’t been on Earth for very long, and know very little about it. You’ll see why.

First the ships. I had my starfighter with me and to be honest, I was flying loops around these slow moving ships. They hardly moved. I blasted at least six of them clear to oblivion without breaking a sweat. How does Earth defend their space with such ships?

When I landed to help the ground forces I was being shot at with things that made loud bangs and popping noises when it hit. I was told the they were called bullets and if I got hit by one I would be in a world of pain and agony. Try getting your arm cut off by a lightsaber then tell me about pain. I did manage not to get hit by any of them although I had a few close calls. I lost my hat, it got shot right off my head, and my caped looked like Swiss cheese by the time I rammed my way through the troops to the second wave.

Ah, monsters. Yet again, no biggie. There were a lot of them, and there I was, fighting the mask that slipped off eyes when they attacked. Way too easy. I cut through them like air.

And then the evil warlord behind this attack walked out of the smoke and faced me.

“Who are you?” I demanded.

“I’m Justin Timberlake, buddy, and I’m going to own this planet!”

You have got to be putting me on, I thought. This had to be joke. What the *beep*? Earth has evil warlord pop singers? This planet is more strange that I first thought.

“Ok, Christensen, let’s do this!” he shouts.

“Excuse me? What did you call me?” I asked.

“Christensen. You are Hayden Christensen, right? Who cares!!!??? Let’s do this, baby!”

Then he starts dancing, and jumping around me. He was singing something about ‘bringing sexy back’. I think he needs to rethink that one. He tried to elbow me, he missed. Then he tried to slap me, missed that too.

He spins, walked backward on his tones, shimmies around, and comes up with his foot aimed right at my face.

I chopped off his leg.

“OWEEIE! I thought that saber was fake!” he screamed, hopping around. He swungs his microphone stand at my head.

I took off his arm and the mike went flying.

And then he started to cry like a baby. “I give up, dude! I give!” He rolls around on the ground bawling. “AWWWHHHH! You are such a jerk, Christensen! I was just goofin off!”

That did it. I lost it and I don’t care.

I cut off his head.

I swear I heard a million sighs of relief.

Thank to DJK for the pic. I really suck at photoshop.

Operation Stop the Earth Invasion

2007-08-09T07:17:00.001-07:00

I am a nature mage. I just needed to remind myself and whoever else was reading of that. The main problem with the challenge? Fighting spaceships. For some reason, there is just something that is off about that to me.

I mean I could summon a storm, but electrical attacks would most likely charge up whatever is in those things. Right?

Ground troops? No big. That’s more my style. Raiding a fortress? I can handle that too. But Ships… That’s really bad.

My fool-proof plan came to me after I communed with nature. I left the building and I grabbed the closest animal I could. It happened to be a bee. I held it in my hand. I focused my magic into it.

What happened first was the creature crawled out of my hand, as a lizard. The next thing it became was a komodo dragon. Then it grew reptilian like wings. It burped and a little bit of fire came from its mouth. I love DNA altering magic. You can have so much fun; especially at parties.

That’s when the ships came. Thankfully they were of relative size. About the size of a van. They were fighters, and they were firing on the city. I pumped a great deal of my magic into the creature on the ground, and it became the size I wanted. He was a dragon. I ordered him to take out the ships.

That has to be the weirdest thing anyone has ever seen… A DRAGON fighting off UFO’s. My family would never believe this in a million years.

With the fire breath, and the body that was a lot larger then the UFO’s the Dragon just would breath fire on one, slam its body into another, then bit down on another. Maybe the ships wouldn’t be as hard as I thought they would.

Then, they concentrated fire on my dragon. He dodged, but as each ship hit the ground, more and more aliens came out. I held my tomahawks ready, blew my lock of hair out of my eyes, and I went to cut into them. Then they spit acid at me.

Three more ships dropped and thirty more acid spitting, fighting aliens appeared.

Then my dragon landed on them all, and this green ooze came out from under him. He grabbed one in its mouth and bit down hard. Then he burped.

I rushed towards the citadel, my dragon following me as if I was a dog.
It was a just a large golden spaceship, and I walked onto it. I noticed this from somewhere… Somewhere sinister… Somewhere in the past. Television… I had seen this on Television.

When I saw the giant picture on the wall, I knew where I had seen it, and I knew what I had to do. I had to take on the form of a rabbit… Not just any rabbit, a bunny. For I was dealing with a Martian.

My outfit fell off, as I sprouted fur everywhere, I rose shaking a little bit. I had to find my tattoo and my deformity before I did anything. My tattoo was odd colored fur at the bottom of my foot, and the my deformity, thank the great spirit, was a large gash in one of my ears.

I formed a carrot out of mid-air and I walked forward, exploring nibbling on it. Hoppity-Hoppity-Hoppity…

Then this guy held a gun at my face.

“Awww” chomp chomp chomp “What’s up doc?”

“I am very, very busy; destroying the world is hard work you know?”

“Which world are ya destroying here?” I asked.

“Why earth of course…”

Chomp Chomp, “Whatchu gonna do it with?

“My annihilator ray,” he held up a stick of dynamite.

“Looks dangerous doc, you better let me hold it.”

“Oh-Why thank you furry earth creature.”

He handed it to me, and I started running away, he turned, saw, and said, “You’re making me very angry.”

Then he began to shoot at me. Little green rays whizzed past me, but it was easy to do because for some reason he was only firing on a single plane. I would jump and duck, I didn’t even have to weave.

I didn’t know what to do with the stick of dynamite, so I threw it. The martian guy ran and dove and grabbed it.

I grabbed a carrot from midair, and I walked over to him, “Hey doc, that thing looks pretty dangerous.”

“It is, it is,” he said.

“Why don’t I hold it while you get up?”

“Oh… That’s nice of you here…”

He handed me the little stick of dynamite, and I took off running again, he shot me again. This gag was going to get old fast. How many times can a clever rabbit outdo a legion of foes before it became boring… Apparently never.

I had no idea where I was running, but when I came out of the ship, I ran into my dragon. He saw a really big bunny. I saw a dragon’s mouth and tongue. I threw the little stick of dynamite down his stomach, and I wiggled my way out, and I was covered in slobber.

When the stick of dynamite exploded, my dragon’s stomach grew really big, and then shrunk, and he spit out smoke. The best part, was he took out his rage on the next available object. The Martian and his ship.

Stop the Earth Invasion = Complete.

All it took was a dragon, a rabbit, and a carrot.

I blew up your mother.....ship

2007-08-09T05:37:00.000-07:00

That Earth-2 Superman's a grumpy old bloke. He and my Grandad'd get along like a house on fire. In fact it was my Grandad who gave me the best advice I ever got about the super-hero gig.
"Warren your too dumb to be a scientist, too slack to hold downa real job. Thank Christ you got these powers. Without them you'd be as useless as Tits on a Bull."

Good old Grandad. Its advice like that that makes me feel good about sending him to that nursing home, in Siberia.

So its on to the alien invasion.

-Yawn-

Fight them in the air, fight them on the groud. You know that sounds familiar. Thats right Winnie the Pooh said it. That yellow bear was quite the fighter when he was young. These days he's a shadow of the bear he used to be. Damn military drug testing.

So I take one of the Justice League Javelin-7's. I can fly anything thats supposed to fly, and the occasional thing that shouldn't. The info on the invasion force is that its stationed on the dark side of the moon. Cliche city. Its like Pink Floyd were channeling the invasion plans as a warning for us all.

I round the moon at sub-light speeds

"Beep beep" the proximity alert sounds. Fighters three of them. Just the advance party.
"Hope they don't mind me crashing?" I quip to myself. I take out the first two fighters, and the third runs away. I give chase. Bad idea. Fighters come from mother ships, and this mothers a big one. I turn to leave and I'm caught.
"Great Obi-Wan Kenobi's ghost! A f***ing tractor beam!" I shout.
'Please refrain from swearing or Batman will wash your mouth out.' announces the Javelin-7.
No time to argue, I turn up the engines to 11. The Javelin-7 strains against the tractor beam, no way I'm giving up without a fight. Then the engines give out. The Big Fat Mother ship looms larger as I get drawn in. I look at the control pannel and theres a button labeled Cockpit Release. Oh well its got to be better than getting probed. I press the button.
A claxon warning goes and the cockpit seals from the rest of the ship. A few whirs and clicks then and then an almighty blast as the cockpit detaches from the rest of the ship. I try to manouvre the mini-Javelin and its not in the tractor beam. Success! I turn the mini-Javelin around to see the rest of the Javelin-7 being drawn into the Mother Ship.
"If only I could blow up the rest of the Javelin-7!" I mutter out loud.
'Emergency Self-destruct initiated.' responds the Mini-Javelin.
"No Shit you can do that?" I ask amazed.
'Affirmative. And please refrain from swearing or Batman will wash your mouth out.'
I get the 'Heck' out of there and listen as the Mini-Javelin counts down.
'3, 2, 1. Self-destruct confirmed. Alien mother ship has been eliminted.'
"Well that was bloody easy." I announce proudly.
'Please refrain from swearing or Batman will wash your mouth out.' announces the Javelin-7.
"Yeah we'll get to that later. Now back to earth." I plot the course to the Alien base chosen for me. Its in New Zealand. Why would Aliens put a base on New Zealand all there is sheep, snow and people who barely speak english.
'Warning! Warning! Cockpit cannot survive re-entry!' warns the mini-javelin.
"As if I care. I'm indi-bloody-structable." I tell the mini-javelin.
'Please refrain from swearing or Batman will wash you mouth out.' announces the Javelin-7.
"I'd like to see him try!" I answer, struggling with the controls to keep the now melting craft on course for the alien base.
A huge explosion happens somewhere outside. Then the controls stop responding. I was just about smash my way out when another explosion wiped out what was left of the mini-Javelin. I open my eye's and I'm falling at terminal velocity towards the southern island of New Zealand.

Oh well nothing much more to do than wait the remaining minutes till I hit.

Jan in Space

2007-08-08T06:12:00.000-07:00

Earth 2 Superman explained to us that for our next challenge, we had to fight off an alien invasion.

No problem, I thought. My ship the Pegasus Elite can fly circles around just about anything that’s in space.

The thing that I don’t quite get though is why is it that the Superman who has been around longer and is older is from Earth 2? Wouldn’t you think that he was from Earth 1? Who’s in charge of designating these Earths anyways? On second thought, I don’t want to know -- it's probably some giant space creature that eats planets or something. I just want to kick a little butt on this challenge and collect my paycheck. Does that sound a little too mercenary? I don’t want to sound like one of those people who only care about the money, but that is my primary reason for being here. My other reason is to ask Blockade Boy out on a date, he is built. Built like a brickwall, ha ha, I can’t believe I just said that. What the heck is your problem Jan? Do you want him to think you’re an idiot? Oooh, he just looked at me and then looked away, did he notice me? Oh he’d never go for a gal like me, we’re from two different worlds: I’m an intergalactic aviator just trying to get by in this crazy universe and he’s a former member of the Legion of Superheroes and a roughish space pirate with a booty to die for. Did I just say a booty to die for? Oh brother.

I better just get out of here before everyone thinks I’m a Stenarian Space Loon. These invaders can’t be all that tough if they’re sending a bunch of game show contestants out to stop them. I’ll just zip up into space and dispatch their mothership with a few well-aimed blasts of my--

My…

Oh my God! Daleks! Daleks everywhere and they’re heading straight towards Earth. OK, OK, my plan still stand as it is. Take out the mothership, then mop up everything left.

I quickly fly towards the largest ship, evading and dodging the others around me. These invading vessels are sleek and powerful, but I think I’ve got something for them.

“Enemy vessel, cease your aggression against the Dalek fleet.” The cylindrical image of a Dalek appeared on my viewscreen. “Power down your vessel, you will be exterminated.”

“No way, José ,” I snapped back as I flipped my ship between two of their ships, who wound up firing wildly at each other trying to shoot me. “I’m taking you out, and by out I don’t mean out to dinner. No offense or anything, but I’m just not into slimy alien mutants encased in giant coffee cans. I hope you understand.”

“Your words make no sense,” the creature grated in reply. “You will be exterminated! Exterminate! Exterminate!”

“You sure do know how to make a girl feel special,” I said back. “And I’m sure you’ll get a bang out of this!”

I fired two proton torpedoes at the large ship and it was quickly engulfed in an explosion. As the fire dissipated, however, I saw that the ship remained, intact, still floating in space.

“Your weapons are useless. You will be exterminated,” the tinny voice echoed across my speakers.

“Well you can’t blame a gal for trying.” OK, this is it. I have no other choice, I have one multi-warhead warp missile and I’m going to have to use it. A multi-warhead warp missile is, of course, highly illegal. Getting one is almost impossible, but of course I know a guy who knows a guy, yadda yadda yadda, I have one onboard the Pegasus Elite.

“Exterminate! Exterminate!” the Dalek announced through the comm system. I swooped around with fire from their ships arcing right behind me. I lined up, aimed, and coolly squeezed the trigger. The torpedo rocketed out of the launch tube and sailed straight at the large ship. It impacted with the shields, the warp engine engaged and the warheads deployed. Explosions from the warheads rocked the ship which was quickly engulfed in one last immense explosion.
“Now for the Daleks on Earth,” I said grimly as I aimed the ship back towards the planet.

Challenge 2

2007-08-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

Everyone is gathered in the Hall of Justice meeting room when superman walks in a very different looking Superman.

Noel: Superman what happened to you?

E2 Superman: I ain't that young whippersnapper from this universe I'm Earth2 Superman.

Blockade boy: Aren't you dead?

E2 Superman: Bah! back in my day when a superhero died he got"back up again and shook it off.

Jan: Did you just say bah?

E2 Superman: The reason I'm here is because Earth 1 Superman is fighting an alien invasion, and now so are you. There are three waves you must face. Spaceships in the air, ground troops on the ground, and Monsters of different kinds of descriptions. the aliens are different races that are mad at Earth. There are seven warlords, that have built giant bases across the city. Your job is to get to one of them , defeat a warlord and destroy the bases so the other superheroes you see in peril. One of you will get immunity whatever that is I don't watch these new fangled shows. Any questions?

Crater: Sure do I have to keep wearing this Spongebob outfit?

E2 Superman: Why not? Aliens in uncontrollable fits of laughter are easy to beat.

The first elimination

2007-08-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

It's time for the first elimination. So Who did the viewers, and contestants vote against?

Who just didn't have a clear grasp on reality? Or sanity?

Who's sex girlfriend just though " You know a small arrogant rude alien prince is better than this? "

Yamcha turn in your costume. You have been eliminated.

A new challenge is coming soon now a word from one of our sponsors.

Great Krypton! We need better sponsors.

The Watcher's judgement 1

2007-08-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

I am the Uatu The Watcher.. I'm here to answer to question.. What if... I didn't have have gambling debuts. I wouldn't be judging this show that's for sure. I might as well get on with this.

Skywalker: Yours was one of the best costumes. Though the hecklers were extremely easy on you. Your room is sparse but that's what I expect from a Jedi.

Jan: You do look great in your costume,and the Hecklers were more too attracted to you that they couldn't do their job. I suppose that's happens when Superman let's his horny clone do the hiring. And your quest for a dinosaur was interesting.

Thousand Faces: Well I guess it's good that you didn't kill your fashion designer. Your room was one of the most different. Good idea on transmuting the dino.

Yamcha: Where do I begin? First off this is top hero. Not top serial killer. Your room is great somehow. Not sure how you did that talking to cats, though You have an annoying dinosaur enjoy living with it. I think your girlfriend broke up with you because you called your groin "special place."

Blockade Boy: Though punching a kid is a bit unheroic it is understandable given what happened. You did what you could with the horrible costume you had. It is every 90's cliche' in one. Your room is fascinating. Kind of like mine on the moon. Yours is a very obedient dinosaur.

Crater: It took heroic effort to not punch the hecklers. Though I like the fact that you gave as good as you got. Your costume was unfortunate, your room is great though.

Professor Xavier: A cape and a suit you look like Opera Man. Or Count Dracula. But compared to the other outfits that is better. Though I'm not so sue about you using your mind control powers to wear what you want. Though I do appreciate the sneakiness. Also the Hecklers didn't seem to bother you. I suppose your telepathy has something to do with that as well. Your room could have been worse it could have been Batman's

Noel: Don't let your breakup with Hank cloud your judgment of all men. though the idiots Kon hired, aren't exactly the bast of the the race. Nice room. And the dinos seem to be doing well.

The winner of immunity this time is

Blockade boy. The rest are up for elimination. contestants send your choices to Supermanclarkent@yahoo.com. While viewers can vote on this poll. The one who was eliminated shall be announced tomorrow.

Noel: I'm back on Earth.

2007-08-03T20:32:00.000-07:00

I can't believe I'm back here on Earth. And after I swore to myself I wouldn't come back for quite some time, especially after the break up Hank and I had. But I had gotten word of a new game show and I figured as long as I can work alone I'll be fine. No need to get attached to another partner.

I realized once I got here that I was a tad late. I forgot how long it takes to get to Earth from Naboo. And to make matters worse I was stopped once I got near Earth air space. Apparently in my hast to get here I nearly hit a satilite. Once I was done dealing with all their questions and filling out some paper work they let me go with a warning. As soon as I got here, I parked my ship, grabbed my bags, and ran to the building.

Once inside I spot Superman, I run up to him and out of breath I say, "Sorry I'm late, I had a bit of a run in with Earths Air Patrol."

"Well at least you made it, I was about to expect you as a no show."

"Well I'm here now, so what do I have to do?" I ask.

"First you have to pick a person to design a costume for you. Once that is done you will have to go to the local House Depot with it on and get supply's to designing your own room."

"Is that it, sounds easy enough." I look around for a second "So where are these designers and where will I be sleeping?"

"Well here are the keys to your room." He handed me a set of keys and then pointed towards a set of stairs. "Go up those stairs and I believe your room is on the right, number 107." He then turned around and started walking towards a hallway. "Follow me, I'll take you to the what is left of the designers."

I follow him, "Okay."

We walk down the hallway and to what appears to be a large office. The windows are tinted so I can't see inside. He opens the door and lets me in. "This group of three is all that's left. Each one will design a costume for you to see. From there you will choose only one from the group. This costume you will have to wear throughout the game, so choose wisely."

I look over at a table and see three of the strangest looking people.

"Good luck" Superman whispers in my ear, giving me a small smirk he leaves. I'd like to smack that smirk right off his face. 'Why did I have to show up so dang late' I think to myself.

With a small sigh I walk over to the table "Hello my is Noel. As you can see I'm not from around here, and no I am not some kind of mutant."

"Are you some kind of alien?" Asked one guy.

"Yeah I am."

"Ohhhhh that is sooooo cool, so what planet do you reside on?"

"I come from a planet called Neptonian, but I live on Naboo at the moment."

"Ohhhhh sweet." All of a sudden the guy reaches up and takes hold of my ear.And I freeze in place. My ears are kind of sensitive and I don't like just anyone touching them.

Feeling very uncomfortable I say "Ummmmmm, hey can you stop that." I try and say as sweet as possible and swat at his hand. But he doesn't seem to here me and keeps on rubbing them. Finally a lady in leather takes out her whip and snaps it in the air making a loud cracking sound.

"Hey Dwane stop it with her ears, she obvious doesn't like it." The man backs off and the lady introduces herself. "Hey I'm Misty, and you know I have the perfect outfit for you. It will drive the men crazy."

I think 'Yeah I'm sure, it will probably be something tight, black, and leather.' But I smile and thank her anyways for getting rid of the guy. Who is now dancing around the room singing, "I touched a hot ladies ears, I touched a hot ladies ears."

'Yeah it will probably be the last time you do touch a hot lady any where.' I think to myself.

"Dwane will you sit down and shut up, before I whip your sorry a**," yells Misty. Dwane gives her a perverted grin but sits down anyway. "And I know what your thinking, so stop with that too." She says waving her whip at him. "Pervert," I hear her say under her breath as she sits down. I try and hold back a giggle.

I go back and stand in front of the table I see the third lady (or at least I think it is). She/he had remained quit. I look at her, with a bit of fear. "So what is your name." I ask.

She just continues to stare at me. "Her name is Sam. She don't talk very well cause of well.... you know." Answers Misty. I give Misty a questioning look. "Open your mouth Sam and let her see" And Sam does. I'm a bit shocked but not too much since the rest of her face is like that.

"Okay, now that I know all of you. It's time for you to get started on designing my costume. They all nod and start getting to work, pulling out paper and fabric pieces and stuff. I take no notice and as they start to work I let my mind wander. Before I know it couple of hours have already passed. They sit back down with there samples to show me.

First is Dwane, and I am kind of nervous with what he has to show me.

Talk about bright. I don't mind the body suit, but the pants.... Na uh. And I don't do so well with masks.

Next up is Sam's. I can only guess what she has in store for me.

I almost started choking when I seen this one. What does she expect me to do, get tattooed and my hair redone. I think not. And what is with the Rollerblades.

By now I am scared, I can imagine Misty's design. Something low cut and tight and made of leather. But I'm just hoping it won't be as blindingly colorful.

Misty hands over her design.

It's not something I would normally wear. But at least it don't make me look like I just fell off a circus train.

"Well this was a tough decision." I lie. "But I have decided to go with Misty's choice of costume." Misty smiles as the other two grumble and pack up their stuff. "I wish you both luck with your careers as designers." 'They'll need it'

Misty takes me back to her little office and starts to pull out fabric and stuff. She measures me and gets to work. She is surprisingly fast at sewing and in a couple hours she has my body suit done. She pulls out a pair of boots and gloves, a cape, and a whip. I put it on and I'm surprised at how it fits. It's actually pretty comfortable. And the boots, even though they look bulky and hard to move in, are very flexible and very easy to run in.

I thank Misty for the wonderful job on the suit and headed out to the House Depot. As I was heading out the front door, Superman warned me that there will be professional Hecklers at the store. I just shrugged my shoulders, looking like a cat woman I get looks and comments all the time. Not a big deal for me. He also reminded me that the room needs to have a dinosaur in it. So as I was running down the street towards the House Depot I called a friend of mine from Naboo. I asked her if she could ship me a couple miniature dinosaurs - as you call them. She said she would have them shipped through the express service. I thanked her, she wished me luck and I ended the call. Just in time too cause I was in the parking lot of the House Depot. As I near the door I see a group of people hooting and hollering stuff at everyone that passes by.

I payed no attention to them even though one comment which was said got me a bit angry. 'Hey, I wouldn't mind playing with that pussy!' Uhhggg why do guys have to be such perverted pigs? If I wasn't so damn busy I would have went over and straightened his sorry a**.

As I walked around the store I did get a few weird looks and some comments whispered about me, nothing that I'm not used to any way. More people commented about me looking like a cat and not about my costume. If people started to long I just said I lost a bet, and walked away. I quickly bought what I needed. Several hundred bags of cement, plaster, paint, some wood, a mattresses, plants, bed spread, rugs, chains,and a few odd and end supplies. As I was walking towards the delivery area to put in my order. I heard what sounded like music. I look around and see what looks like a small crowed gathering around a band on one of the loading docks. As I approach the band I ask one of the bystanders what is going on. They inform me that this is the Grand Reopening of House Depot. And this band is supposed to help bring in customers. I sit and watch them for a few.

(A/N: And as far as I know YES this group is called Hecklers.)

Not to bad for a local band. Is this what Superman met when he said professional Hecklers? After the song is over I went over to the delivery area put in my order and left through the back door. No need to go all the way back through the store only to be angered by that group as people out side. Before I left I asked when my stuff would be delivered. They said later in the afternoon.

I head straight back to the Hall of Justice. I am a bit hungry, but don't feel like eating out in this get up. I figured I'll make something once I get back. Or if anything I'll head back out to my ship and get something there.

After eating a sandwich and some chips that Superman had supplied, I went to find my room. Going down the hall I could her hammering and people talking. I wonder what their rooms will look like. I already know what mine will look like and it will be cool (I think). Plus it will make my dinosaurs feel right at home. I open my door only to find that I got a smallish room. But I guess I can make due with what I have. Luckily I decided to go with the miniature dino's. At least I have what looks like a balcony. I walk over to check it out and am surprised that it is actually a roof top type patio. It is awesome. I look out and notice that I'm the only one with access to it, even better. Now I can add some potted plants put in a small fountain and have garden on the roof.

I notice what looks like a delivery truck approaching the parking lot. Hoping it is my delivery, I rush out of my room and down the stairs. I see Superman talking to the delivery guy. He looks over at me and tells me that it is my stuff being delivered from the House Depot. And that I had also had a couple of packages that just came in a few minutes ago. I look over and see three small crates near the front door. Wow that was some fast delivery from Naboo. I show the delivery men where to put the stuff. Superman gives me a crazy look once he seen all the bags of cement that I had bought. I just smile and tell him he will have to see.

As soon as all the stuff is delivered to my room I get to work. After several hours and working well into the night I am exhausted but I am done, well mostly. I'll have to finish up in the morning. After feeding the small dinos, which are still in their crates, I head to my ship for some sleep. I can't be sleeping in wet cement now can I. After a couple of hours of good sleep (I'm Neptonian, I don't need much sleep), a shower, and a quick bit to eat I head back to the Hall of Justice. I let the dinos out for a quick romp outside, cleaned out their crates, (noticing one in still in it's egg), and after their breakfast I put them back in.

Now to check on the room. I am happy to see that the cement has dried very well and is holding up. I spend the rest of the morning putting together my bed and adding all the final details. By mid noon it's complete. And I have to say I didn't do to bad. And I hope I can say it is original.

I go and get my Dinos and let out in my room. They sniff around a bit then settle right down. I'm glad they like it.

Now all I have to do is my outdoor rooftop patio. But I'm sure that can wait for now. Superman only said to decorate the bedroom, nothing else. For now, I'm going to shower, get a bite to eat, then take a little nap.

Xavier arrives

2007-08-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

As soon as I heard there was another reality game show starting, I submitted my application as quickly as I could. Believe this or not, I actually lost on both seasons of Last Gladiator Standing. Me! Lost! I know it sounds crazy but you'll just have to suspend you disbelief.

I arrived at the Hall of Justice, a sort of Deco / International style building that might once have been an impressive structure but has obviously since fallen into ruin. An odd looking little man came out of a side door to greet me. I checked the mini-sidewinder launch controls on my combat mode hover chair.

As he hurried up to me, he checked his clip board. "Professor Xavier?" he asked with a slightly confused voice.

"Yes," I answered.

"Oh, er, I was told that, um, you could, uh . . walk. You see it's just that, uh, the Hall isn't really handicap accessible. It was built back in the 50s."

"Oh. I see. You, um, heard about my walking, eh? Alright then."

I was hoping my secret might give me an advantage but since the cat was out of the bag, as they say, I stood up and walked inside. The toadie lead me into the Hall's gift shop.

A crabby looking old crone hobbled over to me. "This is Professor Xavier," the toadie told her.

"Eh?" she screeched.

"Professor Xavier!' he said much louder. "Of the X-men!"

"Oh!" she answered. "The shuper-hero." She slurred her words slightly. I think she was drunk. "You'll be whantin' a cape then," she told me.

She pointed a gnarled finger into the changing room and handed me a large plastic clothes bag, obviously full of something. I opened it and saw an outfit. It did not looked promising. None-the-less, with my determination to win this show, I donned the suit and emerged from the changing booth.

"Er . . no offense, madam," I said, "but I don't think this is quite me. Is there perhaps an alternate outfit?" To make sure she heard me, I also communicated telepathically with her.

"What do you mean?" she screeched. "It has a cape. The underwear is on the outside. It's perfect."

"Yes, but, perhaps you have another?"

With a sigh, she grabbed another clothes bag and I quickly entered the booth to change.

"Well Mr. Fussypants?" she asked. "Is that good enough?"

"Um, actually . . it's a little . . well . . I don't really wear the spandex. Perhaps there's something a little more . . conservative?"

"Forget it! This ishn't a library! You'll take what you get and like it!"

With that I reached into her mind and put her to sleep. I then put my suit back on and grabbed a cape. That will have to do.

I walked outside to the parking lot and a shuttle took me to a furniture store. I picked out a few items and headed back to the Hall as they were delivered. The toadie greeted me in the parking lot and escorted me to my room. This is what I found.

Must have been Aquaman's. At least that stuffed dinosaur arrived. This is going to be a long show.

Spongebob, D.I.Y and Disco

2007-08-01T23:28:00.000-07:00

I arrive at the Hall of Justice late. I missed the connection from LA. I also had to fly coach. Bloody Justice League cheapskates.
So I get there and Superman tells me to meet with a designer who's supposed to make me a new costume.
"New costume?" I ask. "I already have a uniform. I don't need a new one." He tell's me its part of the competition and then I have to go to some hardware store in this new get up. I ask why I'm supposed to go to the hardware store and Supes says I have to do some DIY on my room.
I get there and this is what it looks like.

"Who's room was this?" I ask.
"Ummm! I think it was Black Vulcan's." answers the big blue cheese. "Your costume designer is waiting."

So I rush to meet the designer. My old man used to tell me about a mate of his he called a bit queer. This guy wasn't just a bit queer. This guy was "As camp as a pink tent".
"Hello Warren or can I call you Crater." he gushed.
"Warren will do. And your name is?" I enquire.
"Oh please call me Dougie." He told me.
"So how are you going to make this costume, Dougie?" I asked. I was hoping for something good. I had to be on a winner here. Gay guys have great taste, especially in spandex.
"Oh I didn't make the costume. I'm only here to critique the work of my students." He leans over and whispers in my ear. "The Justice Leauge couldn't afford my services, they could barely pay my appearance fee."
"So who's making it?" I ask.

"Ralph is." says Lauren.

Ralph wasn't gay. In fact Ralph was barely human.
Ralph gave me the suit. I didn't like it. I didn't even know who it was.

"Its Spongebob Squarepants. He's cool." answered Ralph.

Humiliation seems to be what all the others went through so I'd say I'm in for some too.

I get to the Home Depot and its very orange. The only way I could get anymore Orange was to be in a Home Depot in Orange (Orange is a town in country NSW).

Then came the Heckler's.
"Hey dude Halloween is in October." shouted one.
"Does your Mommie know your here?" caled another.
"Get a life." I reply. Which of course reveals my accent and my nationality.
"Hey you better go home Ozzie-boy. I think a dingo's got your baby." called out the heckler.
"Yeah real smart. Mate." I warn him with a nice deep Mate. Which every Australian male knows translates to - Stop bugging me or I might smash your face in. Of course these guys don't know that. So they keep on going.
"You gonna buy a Barbie and throw a shrimp on it." he calls out.
"Hey, mate, I like shopping the way you like having sex - alone." I yell back.
The crowd (which has grown because of the tv cameras recording this) applauds my retalliation. The Hecklers get into a huddle and whisper amoung themselves.
"What are you doing here? The Mardi-Gras' in Sydney mate." they yell out in unison.
"What am I doing here? In half an hour your Mum." I reply.
Game, set and match.

Now to get some stuff to retro the room.
Discoball - Check
Retro Home Bar - Check (it came with Dancing Eastern European Bargirls for extra $200, Bargin)
Kangaroo Skin rug - Check
Of course I then had to get a dinosaur. I hung it the wall. I call him spike.

A home away from Home.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator, Cadillacs and a Dinosaur

2007-08-01T11:47:00.000-07:00

So according to Superman's instructions for our first challenge, we need to decorate our room with a dinosaur because he has one and Batman has one. I suppose that's a good reason to get one, even though there has to be, like, a billion other super heroes without one. Whatever, I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering where I'm going to get one in Metropolis. Last I heard, this place doesn't have a Savage Land.

Part of being an Intergalactic Aviator is being connected. I'm not very familiar with this place, but I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who can help me out. I know that I'll pay for this, but that's how it goes in these circles.

"I hear you're looking for a dinosaur," this "Warlord" says to me.

"That's right," I answered. "You got one?"

"I might have one," he said, trying to sound mysterious. "That is to say, I may be able to get you one."

"Does that mean you have one or not?" I asked.

"Oh, uh well yeah, yeah, but just keep it down," he said. "You know, keep it hush hush. On the QT. The D Lo. I don't want everyone sniffing around my business. Let me show you what I have."

"I have a Tyrannosaurus Rex, still alive."

"See, I don't know if I want to go that direction," I shook my head. "He'll easily make a snack out of me."

"OK, we have some aliens here who are evolved from dinosaurs," he said. "They're not so dangerous, and they often engage in behavior befit of their two-dimensional characterizations. One keeps tripping over his tail, another is always eating, etcetera, etcetera."

"Lame," I said, pointing my thumb to the ground. "With those guys, I won't even get past the first round."

"Well, how about something a little bit more kid-friendly," he suggested.

"Why would we even want to go that direction?"

"Are you sure?"

"yes, I am," I replied.

"OK," he rubbed his beard. "How about a Sleestak?"

"How about no," I replied.

"Well, now I'm starting to run out of ideas here," he shrugged. "I'm just about out of dinos. Are you sure that you don't want a furry bikini instead?"

"Yes, I'm sure."

"It would be an improvement over what you've got on..."

"Ha ha," I replied. "You said you were just about out. What do you have left?"

"Well, nothing so exotic as a dinosaur," he answered. "Just a plain old every day Komodo dragon."

"I'll take it!" I said.

Don't Be a Cosplaya Hata

2007-07-31T19:02:00.001-07:00

Ahoy, bitches! I'm a (mildly) superpowered and half-robotic 30th Century fashion designer and space pirate captain, so my life is pretty hectic. As one would imagine. So I jumped at Superman's offer to get away from the hubbub and foofarah of my job and enjoy some fun 'n' games.

I arrived in style, on the shoulders of the dinosaur I'd selected for my room.

It's a real beaut, too! It looks just like the one from that old Robotman story I'd read, only mechanical. I had my dear friend Storm Boy whip it up for me in between alcohol blackouts. And the best part is, it doubles as a valet! It can fit up to three of my steamer trunks in its mouth!

My room looked pretty good already. Sweet view, and it had a state-of-the-art sound system. Mostly subwoofers for some reason. But I'll take what I can get. (That's the pirate motto!) I just had to move the two giant earwig statues out of the way to make room for my dinosaur.

Alas, the fun ended when my preselected costume designer walked through the door. His hair looked like three different toupees battling from supremacy atop his scalp, and his outfit featured Roman sandals, fingerless gloves, a monocle, and terry cloth parachute pants. But what really gave me pause was his t-shirt. On the front it read "I Luv Firebrand." And on the back: "(No, the other one.)"

"I have your new costume all ready, Captain Blockade Boy, sir!" he gushed.

I patted his shoulder magnanimously. "At ease, sailor. Let's see what you whipped up for me."

He retrieved a suit bag from the closet. He was so flustered he kept dropped it a couple of times before he could get the zipper open. "Well, I figured since you're a pirate and all I should stick with a maritime theme..."

I nodded and smiled, trying to put the poor starstruck kid at ease. "Sounds good. Go on."

"And I heard about how you use a cane now because your robot legs are kind of stiff and clanky."

"The cane's mostly for looks, but yeah, the ol' gears do freeze up sometimes."

"Right! So I thought of something for that, too, plus it doubles as a weapon."

"Sounds good," I repeated, but this time I actually meant it. It occurred to me there was a glint of intelligence in his eyes. My concerns about his abilities began to fade.

He continued babbling: "And I heard that you've time-traveled to the 1940's, and I just happen to think that was the best time ever for superhero fashion... that and the 1990's, of course--!"

That's when I realized I was totally screwed. And sure enough, in the clumsy hands of that weirdo hack, ol' Brigadier Blockade -- the most feared high-fashion space pirate in the Seven Galaxies -- went from this:

To this:

Note the baggy, see-thru top! (Very 1940's.) And if that's not bad enough enough, the fit is atrocious. The crotch binds like a mofo (I was tempted to remove my magnetic codpiece but nobody wants to see that) and the left shoe is about two sizes bigger than the right. If I ever meet that kid again I'm going to straight up murder his ass.

But my first concern was completing this challenge. So I rolled up most of my fifty-foot-long ribbed cape into a ball and tucked it under my arm and shuffled (so my shoe wouldn't fall off) through Satan's embassy on Earth, a.k.a. "House Depot." (But the prices are amazing!)

The jeering started in the parking lot. "Nice beard, jackass!" I could hear a man holler. A woman's voice chimed in with "Yeah, who're you supposed to be, anyway?! C. Everett Koop?" I whipped my head around to see a couple loading their packages into a van with a license plate reading "HECKLE1". So they were two of the professional hecklers Superman had mentioned. Still, I thought it was odd that neither one had mentioned anything about my costume. I shuffled onward.

As I dragged myself past the paint counter, a young woman gave my mechanical legs a withering look. "Hey, jerk! When you get your legs caught in some foil dryer hose you're supposed to go a hospital, not a hardware store!" I was about to give her a piece of my mind when I noticed her name badge read "Hi! I am A Professional Heckler." But why hadn't she said anything about my costume?

I hobbled about the perimeter of the garden center. A trio of bikers who were appreciating an especially lush hydrangea glanced over at me. "Aw, hell!" guffawed the fattest one. "It's the Great Grape Ape!"

"It's got purple chest hair, too!" the shortest one giggled. "Or is that a bath mat?"

The youngest one snorted. "It stinks, dudes. Like dookie. Look, look, I think it's got a dingleberry caught in one o' them chest hairs."

I coolly appraised them. The first wore a t-shirt that read "Heckle's Angels", the second had a patch on his denim vest that read "Heckle Before Dishonor", and the third had jailhouse tattoos on all six(!) fingers of one hand, spelling out H-E-C-K-L-E.

The bikers stared back at me. "You got a problem?" the shortest one growled.

My cheeks were crimson with fury but I had my eyes on the prize. Although the contest rules were rather nebulous, I took this whole ordeal to be along the lines of a hazing and I was determined to keep my composure with these professional hecklers. "...Carry on," I said through gritted teeth.

And that's how the rest of my journey through the mega-store went, with the professional hecklers calling me out on everything but the costume and me trying to be all manful by just taking it when I really wanted to punch their faces in.

My nerves were on edge as I made it out the door, but I felt a small sense of accomplishment and the tension began to ebb from my neck. Just then another voice called out, "Excuse me, may I get your autograph?" I spun around and saw a strapping young man standing there, brandishing a small journal and a ballpoint pen. He held it out for me, eagerly. I couldn't see the word "heckle" anywhere.

I took the book and the pen. "You know who I am?"

"Oh, yeah! You're my favorite superhero! I have the comic books you appeared in! It's just a shame they didn't put your name in the title. If you ask me, you were the real star."

I jotted my signature down in his journal. "That's really nice of you. I've been having kind of a rough night here before you came along. Thanks, really!"

He gave me an aw-shucks grin and said, "No, thank you, Neptune Perkins!"

All the air went out of me. I squinted at him. "Are you a professional heckler?" I asked.

Apparently baffled, he answered, "Well, I've never even heard of one of those."

"That's what I was hoping you'd say," I told him. And then I clobbered him into the sidewalk.

I managed to lam it back to the Hall of Justice, although I did lose my shoe about two seconds after I started running.

Can I take this stupid thing off now?

I am not insane!

2007-07-31T15:39:00.000-07:00

That's why I'm in this crazy competition to prove I'm not insane just ask my advisor for the game the flying cat.

" You must kill them Yamcha kill them all! " No that won't help me win! Quiet you!

The guy I got to design me a costume. He had one glass eye, and the other one was lazy that and he seemed to missed the point completely.

And it's really tight in the special area. The people in the House or Home or whatever depot kept calling me things like "MC pee pants". Another one shouted " Hey loser the special people's baseball league is next door.

One guy had very little imagination. "Huh! Huh! You lost your girlfriend to a midget!"

Just what I didn't need a reminder of that bastard. So I broke his arm, and got kicked out of the store but I bought enough stuff. To make a good enough room I think.

The dinosaur Why do i have to get a stupid dinosaur? Moronic Superman! After searching the full day I hired Barney's really dumb cousin. Blarney. He keeps trying to teach me elementary school lessons wrong.

For the last time! 2 comes after 3! And no I won't let you hug me ! Stupid reptile!

Thousand Faces's Journal: Costume and Room

2007-07-31T08:13:00.000-07:00

Before the competition begins, I need to explain who I am. Some of you may have heard of me, others may have no clue who I am. My name is “Thousand Faces” I am not a hero, nor am I a true shape shifter. I am a Nature Mage, a very strong one.

As with all nature mages, I have the power to control the elements of my natural environment. From having the power to control, or spread, disease, to being in command of the weather, I influence all aspects of nature. I manipulate plant life, causing growth and decay at will. The privilege of life is in my hands as I control curative abilities. Among the most majestic of my powers is the ability to shift the form of life itself. My preferred hand to hand weapons, when I have to stoop so low is to use a pair of tomahawks.

My original form, the one that I take most often, is a Seneca Maiden. But in my original form I am mute, and since I made a deal with Coyote, no matter what I change into, I have a problem, whether it be deaf, blind, paraplegic, et cetera. The other thing that follows me is my tattoo, it always moves, but it is always there.

The name I go by normally is Aurora Dawnsfire. It was the name given to me on the birth of my shamanic powers. So, rather then call me Thousand Faces, you can call me Aurora. But remember, I am mute, so I speak entirely though sign language.

Thanks
-Aurora

- - - -

Superman, he told us our challenge, we had to get an outfit made: Not just an outfit, a superhero costume. I find that my traditional shamanic garb that I always wear suits me just fine. But: That would be a terrible way to fail the first challenge.

And it wasn’t like if it was embarrassing I just couldn’t change to look like someone else, right?

So, the girl who was working on my costume was from Texas. She was a down to earth looking girl, wearing cowboy boots and a classic cowboy hat, “Oh, Howdy… Isn’t that a nice outfit ya’ll is wearing… Ya need a costume, right? I gots the perfect idea for you…”

Somehow: I think a cowgirl working on an Indian’s outfit is going to lead to something hurtful and stereotypical. When she returned she was carrying fake leather. She had several dyed feathers, and what looked to be plastic.

She had me strip down, and from there, she began to wrap leather around me. When she got to it, she began to jam my side with needles, “Ya’ll ain’t in pain, are ya?” I shook my head no, but I don’t think she was paying attention.

“Ya’ll don’t talk very much, what is it? Custer got ya’lls tongue?” That was a cute comment. Too bad I couldn’t tell her what I was thinking.

“Now, ya’ll don’t mind dressing like an Indian do ya?” Yeah, this was going to be really bad, “I take silence as a no… Ya’ll are going to love this.” She stabbed me with another needle.

When she finished, she turned me around to the mirror.

no! No! NO! I reached out to strangle her, but she pulled out a six shooter, and poked me in the back.

“Ya’ll best be getting out there.”

I stepped out of the curtain door, and the first thing I heard was, “Would you like to beat on my tom-tom?”
“Look at that: She’s out of the casino and into our vomit.”
“Aww isn’t that warpaint cute, she can go an hold up the local preschool.”
“Watch out boys, she might use her pretty little feathers to scalp us.”

I walked with my chin up in the air, proud of nothing, but not letting them phase me. When I got to the end of my walk, I showed them a bit of sign language they all knew, the double deuce.

- - - -

When I entered my room, it was a bland, white number, and I knew I had to do something special with it. I tossed some seeds down, went outside, and got a wheelbarrow full of dirt, and dumped it on the floor.

Raising my arms in the air, I concentrated and pulled energy from the whole building focusing it into the floor, several trees shot up, along with grass, flowers, and a bed of moss.

I went outside, and found a small lightning bug. I took the lightning bug into the room, and concentrated, altering its DNA, its very being, and it grew in my hand, until it was the size of a small cat, but it was no cat.

No, this was a small dinosaur.

The coolest thing? It had a lightning bug tip on its tail. It began to run around the room, making little noises and eating some grass. I wanted my Shamanic outfit back, but this one would have to do for now.

I laid down on the moss bed, and I closed my eyes for a well deserved nap.

Jan the Intergalactic Aviator in Costumes and Shopping?

2007-07-31T06:01:00.000-07:00

I steeled myself for what was about to happen. Through this door, a fate worse than getting blown up by space marauders, worse than being eaten by the tyranocons of Teneb XII, worse than Sunday dinner with Aunt Gladys awaited.

They were fashion consultants.

What am I even doing here? I thought to myself. I had my intergalactic freight and courier service to worry about. Things weren’t going so well there, no one was hiring right now and I lost a ton at my last job. Oh yeah, that’s why I’m here – the money.

I took a deep breath and stepped through the ominous portal and was immediately assaulted by a bright light and five nicely dressed men.

“Ooooh,” what happened to your hair?” asked one. “Do you condition with hydraulic fluid?”

“These boots are great,” said another. “Great if you’re spending the evening stomping on frogs out in the swamp.”

“And this outfit, ugh! It’s horrible,” said a third. “What do you call this?”

“It’s my flight suit,” I answered dryly. “It’s comfortable and functional.”

“Oh this will never do,” said the fourth while pulling at areas of the cargo pants. “Look, girl, with a bod like yours, you should never wear baggy.”

“This looks better,” said the fifth while pulling my flight suit tight from behind me. “Hey look, she has a nice figure!”

“You’ve got curves in all the right places, hon,” one said. “You should be proud to show it off.”

“Hey I am!” I protested. “It’s just when I’m flying my ship, I have to have something comfortable and functional.”

“If you say comfortable and functional one more time, honey, I’m going to stick your sock in your mouth. Ew, tube socks!”

“Well, I have to wear something under the boots!” I said.

“Don’t worry,” said one. “We’ll make you look so good that everyone’ll just want to eat you alive!”

“Everyone but us, ha ha!” laughed the third.

“You guys are too funny,” I mumbled sarcastically.

“Oh we know it!” cried one. “Now let’s get you into your outfit.”

After getting this stupid thing on, I made my way to the House Depot to get the materials needed to decorate my room.

“Excuse me, I’m decorating my room,” I asked one of the clerks on the floor. “I’m going to need some wood.”

“Oh, I’ve got some wood for you right here,” he leered back at me.

“What?”

“I’ve got the lumber and I’ll be laying it all night, if you know what I mean.”

“Ugh, pig!” I shouldered past him and made my way to the plumbing section. I found another man in the aisle. “I need to repair a sink and I need an elbow, some pipe, and some solder.”

“I’ve got some pipe for you,” the man said while squeezing his crotch. “It’s strong and you’ll love it, baby.”

“Give me a break,” I growled and shoved him out of my way. Is Superman hiring a bunch of perverts or something? Truth, justice, and the American way my ass.

Growling under my breath, I stomped over to the paint department. Behind the counter, a clerk asked me if I needed any help.

“I need a can of paint,” I said as I held up a swatch of a light purple. “I want it to be this color.”

“Oh, I’ve got a can of paint for you,” he said as he reached down under the counter. “Right here.”

“You stupid, perverted jerk!” I yelled. “Keep your stupid innuendos to yourself and keep your stupid libido in check. This is a fracking store, not some sort of sick sex farm!”

I stopped and looked around and everyone – everyone – was staring at me. The clerk sheepishly pulled a can of paint from behind the counter and held it up to me.

“Oh, uh thanks,” I muttered as I took the can. “Sorry.”

Stupid game show. Stupid Superman. Stupid dinosaur. Where am I going to get a dinosaur?

So It Starts

2007-07-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

Alright, I was ready to kick this into gear. First they told me I have get fitted for an outfit. Ok, I can deal with that. This woman runs around me, rubbing up on me, smiling, taking measurements.

“I got just the thing for you, cutie,” she says with a wink.

I was appalled and now stuck wearing it, she refused to take no for an answer. She slaps a mask on my face, a hat on my head, and hands me a sword. I kinda like the sword but the rest… I’ll never hear the end of it. And I have to go out in public like this.

I’m Jedi, I can do this. I have dressed oddly before for undercover missions.

I walked into this Home Depot, and was instantly stared at like I was insane. “Nice look, some says. I lifted my chin and whipped back the cape dramatically and glared the way I usually do and said:

“You’ve never seen a guy with a cape and mask before?” That seemed to work.

A boy walked up to me and asked me if he could help me. I handed him my very short list, he looks it over and nodded. “I can help you with all of this. Follow me.” I followed, eyeballs all over me. One-girl whispers: “Is that Hayden Christensen dressed like that?”

“Oooooh nice!” another giggles. “A new movie, Hayden?”

I was warned about Hecklers but this! Who is this darn Hayden guy? I get that every time I end up on Earth! Every time I hear that name fan-girls swarm me.

Where was I? I got my stuff and left fast.

Back at the Hall of Justice I got work. It didn’t take long. Jedi Knights don’t require much for quarters. I saw a package from a follow Jedi. It had a huge stuff dinosaur in it. Really huge, much bigger than I was expecting.

When I was done arranging a man with camera walks in without knocking and starts taking my picture.

I can see the holos now.

Skywalker Out

First challenge

2007-07-29T15:46:00.000-07:00

Welcome heroes to the Hall of Justice. We haven't used it much since the 80's but it will serve our purposes. You will be given a room here, and here is where the challenge comes in. First our costume designers will make you a costume. You will wear said costume to To the local House Depot. The problem is the deigners well they flunked fashion school.So be careful.

You can design your room however you want, but there is one rule for some reason you have to have a dinosaur in it. I have one in my Fortress of Solitude , Batman has one in his Batcave. Its a union rule.

Not only will there be regular customers at the store, but their will also be professional Hecklers . We want to see how you react. When you return one will be given immunity the others will be up for elimination.

The rules

2007-07-29T11:05:00.000-07:00

A challenge will be posted on Sunday, If there is some kind of problem with posting please contact me at Supermanclarkebt@yahoo.com. The Watcher will judge the entries and give immunity to one player,the rest will be up for elimination. A poll will be put up for readers, on the blog and players will email thier votes for elimination to me.

The one with the most votes will be eliminated. The first challenge is coming soon.

Vote off poll
	Thousand Faces
	Jan
	Skywalker

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Who do you want to leave?
	Thousand Faces
	Noel
	Crater
	Skywalker

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Who should go?
	Blockade Boy
	Noel
	Crater
	Skywalker
	Jan

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Who should leave ?
	Xavier
	Noel
	Crater
	Jan
	Blockade Boy
	Thousand Faces

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who should be eliminated?
	Yamcha
	Xavier
	Jan
	Thousand Faces
	Crater
	Noel
	Skywalker

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