Sunday, September 23, 2007

The winner!

Welcome to the season finale of Next Top Hero. We have had several contestants, in this game . But two have lasted to this the final episode.

Crater. A telekinetic who works for the Australian Suicide Squad like organization Project: Spearhead.

And the Nature Mage known as Thousand Faces. Who is the Godmother of Summer Dawn Of The O'Ciardha Clan.

Who will win this trophy?

Who is the one that the voters liked the most ?

Who is our winner?

Thousand Faces. You are the winner of Next Top Hero.

Everyone. Congratulate her! I'd like to thank all the players , and commenters on Next Top Hero. This has been fun.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Season finale

We are now at the ending. The watcher will not be deciding this one. especially after we caught him doing this outside.

The winner will be decided by votes from you the viewers, And eliminated contestants are invited to send a vote to
Who Won?
Thousand Faces
Crater free polls

The winner will be announced tomorrow night, at around 8 or 9 nine central time, barring technical difficulties.

Friday, September 21, 2007

Operation : Polar Opposite

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This was it. All of the trials, and the tribulations, the votes and the immunities, the fans and the naysayer’s: all up to this day.

I stood, tomahawks held in my hands, ready to fight, in front of the portal. Fake yellow and red feathers flapping in the wind coming from the portal. I was going to fight my opposite self.

Each step I took towards the portal caused my hair to whip even more violently around me. When I entered the portal I instantly smelled something that was a mix of garbage, animal carcass and Blockade Boy’s room.

The world was dark… Bizarro world as Superman called it. The contrast was seen immediately…

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It was almost like a warzone. Nothing remained but rubble and smoke. The buildings were partially destroyed. I noticed something. The people were clothed in rags, and clearly starving.

When they started throwing refuse at me, I realized… They were jealous…

It wasn’t a realization of “I’m prettier then them” It’s a realization that they were starving and hungry. As trash struck my head, again and again. I knelt down, and I withdrew several seeds from my pouch, and I planted them.

Using my magic, I made all of the trees grow, and fruit. Apples, Oranges and Bananas, with not another word I walked by. They swarmed the tree, like bees. Grabbing fruit and eating happily.

I pulled a tissue out of my hair, and I walked towards the second portal. When I entered it, the world was reversed. It was archaic, with lush green grasslands. I was grabbed from behind by two people.

“Hello!” they shouted excitedly, “Welcome to our Village!” They took me into a nearby building.

“Your outfit looks uncomfortable and dirty…. Here!” The female said withdrawing one of my own Cherokee warrior shaman outfits, “Put this on after your bubble bath!”

After a nice relaxing bubble bath, I rose from the tub, found a towel, dried off, and put on my traditional outfit. I walked out of the room. Two sharpened tomahawks were handed to me, and I smiled at her, “Thank you.”

“Stop him,” was all she said.

She led me to another portal. I took a step inside.

The opposite world looked just like our own. But it was reeking of malignance. With the wind blowing my hair backwards, I smelled death on the air.

I looked ahead. Staring at my opposite…

I smelled, Necromancer.

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He held a rod in his hand, and I held my tomahawks.

“We don’t know each other,” he said, “I am deaf, I cannot hear you. My name is Master of a Thousand Minds. Or, Thousand Minds, if you prefer.”

I signed out, knowing he could understand, ‘I am called, Master of a Thousand Faces, or Thousand Faces.’

“You know, we have to fight, Thousand Faces.”

‘I know,’ I signed out.

“I have no tricks… I will not defeat you through deceit or cunning. I want to face you head on.”

‘Thank you, I will not pull any stops. I assure you, with the resources at hand; I will put up quite a fight.’

“I know. But you should know there is a cemetery nearby.”

‘I expected as much.’

“Give it all you have.”

He started this combat by slamming his rod into the ground. A blighted area spread fourth from that, and I jumped into the air. I threw an ethereal tomahawk at him. He raised his rod, and an ethereal shield appeared.
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I jumped backwards as it exploded. He strengthened his shield. I felt pain fill my stomach, as blood dropped from his mouth; he was raising the zombies from the cemetery. I looked at him, and raised my arms upward, and vines grasped his feet. Holding him tightly, breaking his concentration and his shield.

He took his rod again and from it balls of blight and sickness came flinging at me. I jumped into the air, and landed gracefully. I ran towards him, bringing my tomahawks at his head. He blocked with his rod, and he shoved me to the ground, He held the rod over my head and I rolled out of the way. The blighted ground was stinging my back.

I tripped him, and brought my right tomahawk down onto his wrist. His hand snapped off, but it was skeletal, and it pulled back together. I did a backwards summersault, and I stood on my feet. He growled, and burst of energy sent me flying backwards.

I hit something soft, and when it grabbed me and held me tightly in its grasp, and I heard the moan. I froze… It bit onto my arm, and its decayed teeth ripped through my flesh…

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A green light formed over my wound, and healed it, and I kicked off of the zombie, sending it towards the ground. By the time this happened, he was already near me, and with a slam of his rod, a skeleton cage appeared around me.

I used my tomahawks in a windmill motion and I broke them. I leapt from it. Slamming my tomahawks into his arms. They shattered, but reformed. He slammed his rod into my stomach and ripped it open with the claws at the end of it, and green light healed my wounds… Focusing my healing.

The zombies from behind grabbed me, and he reached his skeletal hand and grabbed my face… I screamed in silence, having no voice to cry out my discomforts. He blasted me again, this time I landed in the garden in the park.

When I hit the sunflower seed, I was covered in little seeds. I drew upon the mana around me… Drawing the magic from the land… The whole areas warmth came to me, and with a burst of light, the seeds became a swarm of black beetles, and the crawled onto the zombie’s flesh and began to destroy and eat the flesh…

Thousand Minds leapt into the garden and with another force blast the seeds on the plants still went flying. He tried to strike me with the rod. I moved out of the way, and I slammed my tomahawks onto his arm, and as the rod went flying, I grabbed it, and threw it as far away as I could.

We exchanged glances for a moment, and when he went running for the rod, I threw ethereal tomahawks at his back. He hit the ground hard.

I ran up to him, and I went to remove his head, and he fell, a pile of bones.

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I sighed, and fell onto my butt… That was rough… And that was just a copy of him… I had many back-ups of myself. I was afraid, that wouldn’t be the last I would see of him…

He fought in the old rules, like I often did…

I worked my way through the gates. Smashing them as I went through each one using vines, root systems, and my tomahawks.

Operation Polar Opposite – Success?

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Great Balls of Finals

I get there and I'm told that the whole final is being televised. There are interviews and I'm going to be wired up so that everything I do can be seen and heard.

Then there's Bizarro.
"Me am not happy you here." he begins "Me shamed by this race. It be bad day for Bizarro-world. Me wish you bad luck."

The crowd boos.

I'm at the start telling myself to get on with it. And in my ear I hear two voices.

"He really wants this Chief." says one to the other.
"Yeah he wants this as much an addict needs crack." says the other one called the Chief.

"Who are you guys?" I snap.

"Its Joe Strawberry and Lyle Big Chief O'Halloran. We're the commentators of this final. Your fully wired up, we can hear you and you can hear us." explains Joe.
"Chief here Crater you reckon you can beat Faces?" asks the Chief.
"Look I'm gonna give it a red hot go, pull out all the stops, y'know." I never realised that on the spot you really do answer in cliche's.
"So Chief, Crater looks like he's rip-roaring and ready?" illiterates Joe.
"He seems to have his head in the right place Joe. And remember half this game is ninety percent mental." comments the Chief.

The race starts. I get going.
"And there off!" Joe tells the blind viewers.
"And here comes the trash Joe!" shouts the Chief in excitement.

"Huh! What trash?" I look up and there up in the windows of the buildings are thousands of bizarro people throwing their garbage at me. I turn on my telekinetic aura which makes me nigh indistructable and the garbage just bounces off it. But the garbage changes as I race up the street. They start throwing books. I grab one. Its a trashy romance novel I remember my Mum reading.
"They're throwing romance novels!" says Joe stating the obvious.

"No not entirely." I contradict. "I just passed a copy of Dianetics. And there's the entire Spider-man clone saga."
"Was that a DVD of Daredevil staring Ben Affleck you just stomped on Crater?" asks Chief.
"Yes." I answer
"If you see Ben Affleck do the same eh?" asks the Chief.

Then all of the sudden there's a scream for help.

"Oh no! Its Jackie Collins they've thrown her out as well." cries Joe.
"Crater better save her or his rep as a hero is sunk." says the Chief.

The Chief was right. Also my Mum would never forgive me if I didn't save her favorite novelist.
I catch her easily. Jackie gives me a thank you kiss.
"Oh and there's a thank you kiss from the prolific novelist." comments Joe.
"Thats nothing!" downplays the Chief. "You should've seen the hicky she gave me back in '83."

As I continue up the street to the portal which will take me to the Alternate Universe, the trash changes. And I hear more cries from above.
"Oh no its raining white trash. Can Crater save them all?" asks Joe rhetohrically
"Joe the real question here is, should he save them." answers the Chief.
I catch Brittany, Lindsay and Kid Rock but I'm too late to save Pamella Anderson. She hits the ground face first and bounces straight back up and lands gently on her feet.
"Who'd have thought breasts had more than two uses." comments the Chief.
"There's more than one?" questions Joe.

After all of that I make it to the portal. I get through and standing in front of me doesn't look like me at all.

"Holy sex-change! Craters a she in this universe." remarks Joe.
"Honestly Joe if there was a hot version of me I'd tap that." adds the Chief.

"So your called Crater?" She asks me the same time I ask her.
"You first." I say.
"Wendy." she tells me slightly smiling.
"Warren." I reply. Then she throws a high kick at my head. I dodge it walk inside the kick and go to punch her in the face. My hand rebounds off her telekinetic aura. It puts me off balance and Wendy just pushes me over.
"Forgot about the telekinetic aura didn't you?" Wendy smiles standing over me. I grab her legs with mine and roll she joins me on the ground.
"Nice to see you at my level." I tell her. I get on top quickly.
"Wrestlings a good idea." comments the Chief."Warren's heavier than Wendy the odds favor him in a wrestle."
"Yeah and Wendy looks like she prefers being on top." adds Joe.
"Women like that?" asks the Chief.
"Get off me!" spits Wendy. She writhes desperately under my significant weight advantage.
"Say Uncle?" I taunt.
"Never!" yells Wendy and her knee finds my manhood. I wince a bit but I'm OK.
"What are you a Eunuch?" she asks, amazed that I'm not writhing around in pain.
"Box. Never fight crime without it." I tell her.

"For our American audience a box is a cup, an abdominal protector." informs Joe.
"A box? Its not square." questions the Chief.

"You don't put you balls in a cup Chief. And if you do I'm never drinking at your house." I tell him.

"Who are you talking too God?" asks Wendy.
"God would be less annoying." I reply. "So I win?"
"Yes." she growls.

"And its over fans." announces Joe. "Our boy got through the trash, won the fight. All we need to wait on is the final decision."
"Gee this changes everything, I've never seen it that way before." says the Chief. "Women like being on top."

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Final challenge

Superman: This the final challenge.

Crater : We know what is it this time?

First you have to go to Bizarro World where you will meet Bizarro world fans in a parade /slash race. The problem with bizarros is instead of throwing confetti they with throw trash and try to impede your progress.

Thousand Faces : And the winner of the race wins the show right?

Superman : Not so fast. At the end of the race is a portal to Earth 3. More popularly know as the "Evil Universe." On the other side my evil counterpart Ultraman is holding a contest called Next Top Villain.

You will battle with your evil doppelgangers, and go in to the portal on the other side of the evil Bizzaro World Square.

Crater: What are evil bizzaros like?

Superman: I have no idea.

After you get back to this Universe you will face off with your archenemy. When you defeat him or her the challenge is over. But the Watcher will not judge this round. The winner will be determined by the viewers and eliminated contestant vote.

Final Elimination.

This vote has been very close. But with the combined votes of the viewer poll, and the And the contestant vote, One person will go home and the other will go to the finale.

Drum roll please........

The one going home is

wait for it

Why is the result in the in an adamantium box ?

I have the it open.

The one who was eliminated is...

Jan The final challenge is coming soon.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Final Elimination.

Due to some technical difficulties,this judgement is a little late.

Jan: You did save you town , who knew Topeka was that exciting.

Crater: Too bad Streaky betrayed you there.

Thousand Faces: A great battle you protected your village very well. That is why you are going to the final round.

Now this is the final elimination. Every contestant that has been eliminated is invited to vote at

And here is the voter poll. Who will not join Thousand Faces in the finale?
Final elimination
Crater free polls

The Watcher has spoken. Farewell.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Jan: Disorder in the House (Part 2)

Mayor Wilkins drove me in his four door sedan to Topeka’s city hall. Once there, he showed me a small office that he had set aside for me.

“Here you go,” he said. “It’s got all your crime fighting needs right here: there’s a police band radio and a computer with Internet access and there’s one of those little refrigerators. I had my secretary fill it with protein bars and juice boxes. This place has everything you could want for a base of operations. That is, unless you want to use a secret cave or satellite or something.”

“No, this will be fine,” I smiled. “So, uh, maybe I should go on patrol or something, huh?”

“Aw no, don’t worry about it until tomorrow,” Wilkins waved his hand. “I’m sure crime can wait. Why don’t you concentrate on getting yourself settled.”

“Well, OK, I guess,” I shrugged.

“So tell me, Jan,” Wilkins smiled in a real friendly manner. “What kind of super hero are you? I mean, what kind of powers do you have?”

“Ah, well I’m really good at flying,” I answered.

“You mean you can fly like Superman?”

“No, I mean I’m a good pilot.”

“You mean you don’t have any powers?”

“Nope,” I shrugged.

“No super strength?”


“Energy beams? Magic talismans? Anything?”

“Afraid not,” I shrugged again.

“That’s too bad,” Mayor Wilkins sounded disappointed.

“Hey, there are all kinds of heroes who don’t have powers,” I said. “Like Batman, Green Arrow, uh, Hawkeye, that other Green guy.”

“Fine, fine I guess when it comes to super heroes, I’m just an excitable boy,” he dismissed the subject with a wave. “Well, it is getting late. I’m going to head home for a nice glass of milk. I’ll see you here first thing tomorrow. That is, unless you’re out fighting crime or something.”

“Well, we’ll see,” I smiled.

“You!” Something from the shadows appeared in front of us. “I want Mohammed’s Radio. You will give it to me!”

“What? No, get away from me!” Wilkins screamed.

I got a look at what was looming over us. Chalky skin, long fangs, demonic grin. I’m guessing that this would be a vampire. I pulled out my blaster and aimed it at him.

“It’s getting kind of late,” I sneered at him. “Maybe you should be running along now, maybe get some beauty rest. Some serious beauty rest.”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead,” he growled in reply.

“I can arrange that,” I said nodding towards my weapon. “Now back off.”

“Your gun can’t harm me!” The vampire lunged at me and I fired a beam of pure photons right into his face, burning it clean away.

“Hello,” I said at the headless creature slumped to the ground. “What do you think sunlight’s made out of? Photons, duh.”

I have to admit, it looked pretty cool. I don’t know enough about vampires, so I could only assume that he can regenerate because I didn’t actually hit him with sunlight. Watching him burn was worth it, though.

“Ever see that, mayor?” I grinned smugly. Then I looked around and didn’t see him anywhere.

“Help me!” I looked and saw another creature running away with Wilkins thrown over his shoulder like a proverbial sack of potatoes.

I quickly gave chase. Though I couldn’t catch up, I didn’t lose them either. In due time, the creature hauled the mayor into a deserted warehouse.

“Of course a deserted warehouse,” I mumbled to myself. But I’m there hero -- I’ve got to go in there.

I ran in after and saw the mayor standing on some sort of plank over a giant swirling, flaming hole in the ground. Surrounding the hole were a handful of creatures, cackling and laughing. I pulled my weapon and aimed it at the mayor.

“What the frack are you doing?” I demanded.

“Stay back,” he warned. “You have no idea what’s going on here. Do you know what this is? It’s a Hellmouth.”

“A portal to Hell?” No way. It couldn’t be.

“I’m the only one who can do this!” he yelled.

“Don’t!” I yelled back over the roaring of the portal. “Don’t make me shoot you!”

“Get him!” A voice to my side shouted. “Shoot him!”

I looked and it was Flabber.

“What are you doing here?” I growled.

“I told you,” the children’s show host replied. “He’s trouble! Don’t you see what he’s trying to do! He’s going to open it up!”

“No!” Mayor Wilkins fished into his coat and pulled out a small metal box decorated with runes and attached to a chain. “This is Mohammed’s Radio! Penuriosus, Penuriosus Pitiful Mihi! Vultus pro Tunc Optimus Res!”

I yelled and tried to reach towards the mayor, but my movements seemed to slow down to a crawl. Time ground to nearly a halt. Then the Hellmouth flared up and receded back to nothing. Many of the creatures surrounding the pit disappeared with it while others collapsed in agony.

“No! You fool!” Flabber shouted. “How could you?”

“Close it?” Mayor Wilkins beamed while letting the device swing back and forth on its chain. “It was easy, really.”

“You are willing to sacrifice yourself like this?” the children’s show host growled. “Then you will be destroyed! Accidentally like a martyr!”

“Wait a minute,” I said, starting to piece together what was going on.

“I will destroy you, too,” Flabber pulled out a talisman and began to grow into a demonic form. “You will be the sacrificial lambs!”

“Like Hell I will,” I growled and opened fire on him with my blaster. Flabber stumbled back, dropped the amulet, and fell to the ground while reverting to human form.

“Groovy,” I said.

Using his cell phone, Mayor Wilkins called the police who arrived on scene to escort Flabber away.

“You know, Flabber warned me about you at the airport,” I said, then I chuckled. “He said there was more to you than meets the eye.”

“I suppose that’s true,” the mayor grinned. “I’m like any other mayor of a small city: I’ve got lawyers, guns, and money. Unlike other mayors, though, I’ve got the means to close dimensional portals to hell.”

“Well what about Mr. Bad Example over there,” I indicated towards the white-faced man in the back of the squad car. “He’s the one who opened the Hellmouth, right?”

“Yes,” the mayor nodded. “He’s been working on it for years. Opening it up slowly, bit by bit. I knew I was the only one who could close it, but I had hoped that I’d at least get a super-powered hero who could help me.”

“Sorry to disappoint you,” I grinned.

“I think I’ll get over it,” he grinned back. “You’re the best super hero Topeka’s ever had. Seriously.”

“I don’t know if that’s a compliment or an insult, but I’ll take it as a compliment,” I replied. “I just hope that the rest of my week here is a little less exciting than my first night.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that,” the mayor smiled. “Topeka’s just like any other quiet, uneventful city. Except for the Hellmouth, which is now closed, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

“Right,” I smiled back. “Nice and quiet.”

“Say, my son and his band the Envoy is playing tonight at the Factory,” the mayor said while looking at his watch. “You should hear it when Johnny strikes up the band. They can play it all night long.”

“I’d like that,” I smiled. “Let’s go.”

“You know, you’re going to look a little out of place with that outfit on,” Wilkins looked me up and down.

“I know, don’t tell me,” I sniffed in reply.

“Here, this will help,” he pulled a hat out of his pocket and handed it to me.

“A raspberry beret?” I asked. “I don’t think so.”

Salt Lake City Hero

"Salt Lake City?" complains Crater as he holds Uranus in his hands.
"All cities need a hero, Crater." chides the man of steel. "Now you can choose a sidekick and get ready to defend the Crossroads of the West."
Warren is given two choices. Gingerbread Woman and Streaky.
"What am I doing here? I'm just an actor." complains Sandra Bullock and she runs out of the Hall of Justice never to been seen again.
'That leaves me doesn't it Warren.' taunts Streaky telepathically.
"Ok I'll take the super-cat." grumbles the new hero of Mormon-town.

The Mall. A hive of activity with people busy living their lives buying and selling. Living the commercial capitalist life that they were born to live.

In the food court Warren Schnieder and his cat Streaky are having lunch.

"This just looks so stupid. People are looking at me as if I'm nuts!" complains Warren who is also the Australian hero Crater.
'At least the Narrator has stopped calling you plucky.' comments the super-cat telepathically.

When suddenly the consumer bliss is broken by screams ringing out. The crowd surges running away from what has panicked them.

"ugh! I better see to this." says our hero as he picks his way through the panicked consumers.
When he is finally through the crowd he comes upon The Purple Cobras.
"Ok lets just wind this all down. You guys are obviously the villains and I'm the hero so if you just follow the script I can get back to having lunch with my cat."
"You have lunch with your cat?" jokes the large Cobra Me'shell
"My cat can kick your ass. Streaky get him!" commands our hero. But nothing happens.
"You're going down Hero, you're going down like a sweet muffin!" cries the short one with the mullet."Get him!"
One by one they charge Crater but its of no use. Our hero is too strong for them.
"*Gasp* You made me bleed my own... no one makes me bleed my own blood!!!" screams the little man.
Later after the authorities have taken the Purple Cobras to gaol, Warren returns to the food court to make a shocking discovery.
"Streaky where we're you? I thought you promised Supes that you'd" Warren pauses cause stoned out of his mind on catnip is Streaky.
'Hey dude. How's it hangin'?' says the stoned super-cat.
Just as our hero is about to chastise Streaky he's interrupted by a brick.
"People think just because I have a telekinetic shield and I can't be hurt, they can throw anything at me. Thats the third time this week some kids thrown a brick at me." he complains.
'Warren there's sumpin tied to the brick, dude!' slurs Streaky.
Who is the strange Mr C and what does he want with Crater.
"Man is that Narrator always statin' the obvious?" asks the still stoned super-cat.

Later at the meting place set by Mr C.
'Its a trap Warren. You do know that?" questions the catnip addict. "Hey I'm not an addict I'm in total control. I can stop whenever I want to."
"Are you sure?" questions Warren who dangles a small plastic bag in front of the super-cat.
'Mmmmmm! Catnip, delicious Catnip. Precioussssss' salivates the adicted super-cat. Who slowly reaches up his paws towards the bag of catnip. The with a quick flick of his wrist Warren sends the bag out into the middle of the alley.
"Oh dear!" exclaims Warren sarcasticly."Someones going to have to get it."
'No worry.I'll get it!' Streaky does as his name suggests and races out into the open and deserted alley. Carefully he opens the plastic bag.
'This is just mint you tease!' he accuses but suddenly.
"Get the cat if its here Crater can't be far behind." shouts someone. And the alley is filled with big guys with guns. They circle Streaky their guns aimed squarely at the cat of steel.
"C'mon out Crater or we'll kill your cat, squash him flat and make him a hat." rhymes the leader.
Crater emerges from his hiding place.
"Ok ok just don't shoot the cat, or squash him flat. And please please..... Streaky kick their asses and I'll give you some catnip."
"That doesn't rhyme?" complains the leader of the big guys. He doesn't get a reply as he's hit by a whirlwind of feline fury. Its over quickly. Streaky purrs and licks the blood off his paws on top of a pile of unconscious bodies.
'I do get something in return for this dirty work don't I?' questions Streaky quite pleased with himself.
"Sure!" replies Crater and throws Streaky his kitty narcotic.

Elsewhere in Salt Lake City someone is planning our heroes doom.
"Look at that stupid Australian little does he know the plans I have for him. Bwhahahahahaha!" laughs the villain in the shadows where can only see that he's not very tall.
"'Little does he know' Thats funny boss." chuckles one of the henchmen.
"Why do you think its funny?" questions the villain in the shadows.
"Cause you know little does he know the plans you have for him. And your not so tall aren't you boss." explains the henchman."Observation humor. You know like Sienfeld."
"Observation. Humor. Well then observe this!" screams the little villain as he shoots the henchman in the head.
"Let that be a lesson to the rest of you. Bwhahahahahahahaha!" laughs the diminutive villain.

Elsewhere Crater is trying to find out some information of the mysterious Mr C.
"So you don't know anything about Mr C Orgazmo?" sums up Crater.
"Nope. I only fight Neutered-Man, its a struggle that the Lord has given me." replies the pink clad super-morman.
The disappointment continues for our hero as he goes from source to source trying to find out who Mr C is.

When he arrives back at his base of operations he finds something not quite right.
"Okay the doors broken in. There's only two answers, Streaky's found where I hid the catnip or..." pauses our hero as he bravely walks into his dingy motel room. In the shadows a small figure stands.
"Mr C if I'm right." concludes Crater.
"Yes its me and if you'd just put your hands up we'll get on with your execution." The figure raises an automatic rifle and steps out of the shadows to reveal.
"Gary Coleman!" says Crater stunned. "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Your hahaha! the hahahahaha BIG Mr C. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sigh!"
"Laugh it up Aussie eat hot lead." the small child star fires repeatedly at our hero.
"As buggs bunny would say. No more buh-wets." lisps our hero. He walks confidently up to the ex-child star. "I got a telekinetic aura. Means bullets don't hurt ugh!" Our hero is knocked over from behind.
"Oh I know about your abilities. I also know there's only one animal who can take you down." Gary smiles.
'Sorry Crater its nothing personal its just business.' apolgises Streaky.
"What! How did this happen?" complains Crater.
"Oh you showed me in the alley your Achilles heel. I just made Streaky and offer he couldn't refuse." Gary still smiles. "Streaky take out the white-trash."
Oh no the agony. The sheer horror. Our hero is being put out by the cat.
When suddenly the plot twists in the favor of justice.
Rrrrrrrooowwwww! groans the cat of steel.
"Oooooo!" moans the evil midget.
"Who? How? Gee they're both smiling." comments Crater curiously. He turns to see standing in the door."Orgazmo. Thanks...I think."
"Hey if we heroes don't stick together, evil will have its hands on the joystick of doom." concludes Orgazmo."
"Yeah. Sure." agrees our hero.
With the city saved and the cat of steel revealed as an evil pussy-cat, we bid you all goodbye.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Jan: Disorder in the House (Part 1)


Stupid planet smacked me in the head.

I guess that I should count myself lucky that it was Venus. Imagine Jupiter flying at my head. Or Saturn with those rings.

It’s still pretty stupid.

Though I have to admit that I don’t expect much more from a group of people who seem to like wearing long sleeves and short pants for their outfits. I don’t care what century you’re from, that just looks bad. The irony that I’m wearing something like that myself is not lost on me.

I took the model of the planet and looked at what was written on it.


As in, Topeka Kansas?

Well, once again I suppose it could have been worse like Bl├╝dhaven or New York -- all the crazies hang out in New York. I guess I’ll just hang out there and relax for a week. It’s Kansas for the Queen’s sake, what could go wrong?

Famous last words, right?

I flew the Pegasus Elite to Philip Billard Municipal Airport and was met at the terminal by the mayor himself.

“Good morning, welcome to our fair city,” he said while shaking my hand very politician-like. “I am Mayor Wilkins and I am very, very glad to have you joining us for this week.”

“Sure,” I mumbled back. “Glad to be here.”

“Unfortunately, I have to say that you may find your stay rather uneventful,” the mayor shrugged. “We do like it quiet around here. No riffraff allowed as they say, ha ha.”

“Yeah, well I don’t mind quiet. Really.” Somehow I doubted that it was going to be this way, but wouldn’t it be nice if it was?

“Well well, if it isn’t Topeka’s favorite son!” the mayor proclaimed happily as an unusual looking man walked past. “Flabber how are you doing?”

“I am well,” the man replied. “I just got back from a weekend in Tahoe and boy are my arms tired! Wait.”

“Ha ha, oh Flabber you slay me,” Wilkins nearly fell over with laughter. “Say, I want to introduce you to Topeka’s newest super hero, Jan the Intergalactic Aviator!”
“Pleased to meet you,” I shook his hand while looking his face up and down.

“Likewise,” he smiled warmly. “Please excuse the makeup. I host a popular children’s show here and am now on my way to a grocery store opening.”

“Wow, sounds like fun,” I answered with a little dryness.

“Yeah, the good folks here can’t get enough of me,” he chuckled back. “Such is the fate I have chosen for myself.”

“Indeed,” I nodded.

“Aw, don’t let this guy get to you,” the mayor laughed. “He’s got the best show in the tri-county area. Everyone loves him. Really, really loves him.”

“Yep, that’s me,” Flabber smiled wanly. “Say Jan, may I have a word with you in private? You know children’s show host to super hero?”

“Sure, why not,” I shrugged. And joined him a few paces away from the smiling mayor.

“I wouldn’t trust the mayor if I were you,” Flabber said to me in a hushed tone.

“Why not?”

“Let’s just say that there’s more to Mayor Wilkins than meets the eye,” Flabber said mysteriously.

“Oh, is he a Transformer or something?”

“What? No, no,” Flabber let out a long breath. “Look, I would just keep on my toes if I were you. That’s all I’m saying, OK?”

“Sure, whatever you say.” I wanted to dismiss the clown’s warning, but something about it stuck to me. I couldn’t figure out what it was though.

“And when you get a chance, ask the mayor what happened to the mayor before him.” Flabber strolled away whistling a tune to himself.

“Allrightee then, ready to go?” Wilkins said suddenly at my side.

“Yeah, sure,” I answered. “Say mayor, what happened to the mayor before you?”

“Nelson Linseed?” the mayor looked surprised, but he didn’t have any problem with what he said next. “Unfortunately, he was torn in two by werewolves.”

“Werewolves?” I gasped.

“That’s right,” Wilkins nodded. “In fact, they were a mercenary gang of werewolves from England.”

“You mean they were—”

“That’s right; they were the Werewolves of London. They came all the way from Zevon Warren. You should have seen poor Nelson when those monsters got through ripping him in half, why he became a Half Nelson, ha ha, get it? Oh that’s such a horrible joke.”

“You’re right, it was,” I said grimly.

Maybe Flabber was right, there is more to this mayor and his little burg than meets the eye after all.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Operation: Soseru

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I hadn’t heard of the planet, “Soseru”. Well, I hadn’t until it came hurling at my head at fifty miles an hour. When it hit, it knocked me to the ground.

I was headed to Bydown, on the lush fielded planet of Soseru. I had to fly on a transport ship. I didn’t want to go; I find it ridiculous that people around here can’t keep their feet on the ground.


It took over three days to arrive on Soseru. Once I had, I was greeted by the Soseruians. They were a snake people, and when they saw me, they all greeted me in their traditional way.

The Soseruians were a shamanic and warrior people. I could tell we would get along right away. They stood taller then me. Which was saying something, I was a tall woman, I stood “A good six feet.” These people had another foot on me.

They didn’t have the traditional tails. They had legs, and they had four arms. Covered in scales from head to foot, fangs jetted out over their lower lips, and they had long tongues. When they spoke, they surprisingly spoke in English, “Hello, warm-blood.”

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The ship took off and they lead me into Bydown. Bydown was a small village. It was on the edge of a forest and had a stream running through it. They showed me the town, they were tribal, like my Seneca brethren on earth.

They hunted, gathered and farmed. There were no huts bigger then other huts, save for one. My guide, a tall strong faced woman, told me it was The Hatchery. Inside was the young. They were all kept in one building, and they were guarded by one snake maiden. A woman who never knew a man’s touch.

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It was said that her touch wouldn’t corrupt the eggs. I was confused by this, She was just one maiden. I looked at the leader, he noticed this confusion.

The leader of the village, ever patient with me, spoke, “I bet she could make you bleed warm blood.”

I stared at the woman, she looked at me, with two movements of her hand, and a leap, she was up, and ready for war, the gentle and maidenesque clothes she wore, into war-gear, and I have to tell you, I think she could have defended the hatchery easily. She calmed down, straightened her clothes, and sat back down.

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“By nature, Warm-Blood, we are all warlike. We have to be,” the leader said.

His wife joined him, she looked fatigued, she smelled of rice, and her fingers were raw, “This is my mate,” he said, “She is in charge of the farming. I am in charge of the hunters.” He led me to another hut, inside there were hunters, the men of the village. They had bows and swords, “Warm blood, we hunt birds and stags.”

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I nodded, and he continued, he took me to another hut. Inside of the hut was the shaman. I could tell instantly, and she looked up to me, eyes flaring with spirits. She stared past me to the village leader, he ran from the hut, and I heard an alarm called for the village.

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I ran outside, and I saw in the distance a great white cloud. It came closer, hundereds of wings were beating. With a sound change, I saw a black cloud come towards the village. Arrows hit all around the village, and I had to hit them away.

They swooped, and they flew fast and low towards the ground.

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They had their bows back, and they began to volley arrows on the village. I saw the hunters in the woods, they were waiting. They blew the horn and these hawk people, turned and flew fast and low towards the forest.

I ran along the ground, following the birds.

I looked into the trees, the warriors were ready, they leapt from the trees, landing on the backs of birds, and arrows were released at the snakepeople. I jumped into the air and landed on one of the bird’s back, and had the bird woman fly into another one and sent them both plummeting to the ground.

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From there I leapt onto the next one’s back. I kicked snapping its wings, sending it towards the ground, and the leader of them, a bird who looked more like an owl then a hawk, saw me leap towards it.

It screeched, and from that, the birds retreated back into the skies. Leaving me plummeting towards the ground. I was caught, by the Village Leader.

“Very good warmblood… Very Good… But they will be back… And in greater numbers.”


Over the next week I was there, I learned about their culture. It was so much like mine, it was frightening. I learned about their differences. They came from the same hero of old. Two children were born, twins. One was feathered, the other scaled. They disagreed and fought for years until they split to make their own tribe.

This rivalry has continued throughout the ages, and will continue, said the chief. But each time they meet for peace, they agree on another topic. Thankfully for both sides, they have agreed to stop the attacks on the hatcheries.

But the Leader explained, he didn’t trust them, which is why the Snake Maiden still learned to fight.

The shaman warned the village again of the next attack, this time I was prepared, as were the rest of the warriors. The same cloud happened, and the same volley of arrows. I batted them away, and I concentrated on a form.

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When I rose form my transformation I dwarfed the village tenfold, and I flew in the air towards the attacking birds: I used my massive tail to whip at the birds, and I opened my mouth and released an acidic breath all over them.

The snakes of the village returned fire with their own bows and arrows. The birds fell all around me, as I ripped into them in the air. Finally, the leader of the birds, flew towards my mouth, stared at me, screeched, and flew back away from me, heading towards his home in the cliffs.

Outside of the village, I morphed back into myself, the Village leader walked up to me, gave me a hug, and there was cheer throughout.

I had succeeded.

The transport ship came back soon after, and as a parting gift, the leader gave me a lock of his own hair, a small medicine pouch, filled with several magical herbs from this planet.

Defend the Soseruians – Success

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