Friday, September 14, 2007

Salt Lake City Hero

"Salt Lake City?" complains Crater as he holds Uranus in his hands.
"All cities need a hero, Crater." chides the man of steel. "Now you can choose a sidekick and get ready to defend the Crossroads of the West."
Warren is given two choices. Gingerbread Woman and Streaky.
"What am I doing here? I'm just an actor." complains Sandra Bullock and she runs out of the Hall of Justice never to been seen again.
'That leaves me doesn't it Warren.' taunts Streaky telepathically.
"Ok I'll take the super-cat." grumbles the new hero of Mormon-town.

The Mall. A hive of activity with people busy living their lives buying and selling. Living the commercial capitalist life that they were born to live.

In the food court Warren Schnieder and his cat Streaky are having lunch.

"This just looks so stupid. People are looking at me as if I'm nuts!" complains Warren who is also the Australian hero Crater.
'At least the Narrator has stopped calling you plucky.' comments the super-cat telepathically.

When suddenly the consumer bliss is broken by screams ringing out. The crowd surges running away from what has panicked them.

"ugh! I better see to this." says our hero as he picks his way through the panicked consumers.
When he is finally through the crowd he comes upon The Purple Cobras.
"Ok lets just wind this all down. You guys are obviously the villains and I'm the hero so if you just follow the script I can get back to having lunch with my cat."
"You have lunch with your cat?" jokes the large Cobra Me'shell
"My cat can kick your ass. Streaky get him!" commands our hero. But nothing happens.
"You're going down Hero, you're going down like a sweet muffin!" cries the short one with the mullet."Get him!"
One by one they charge Crater but its of no use. Our hero is too strong for them.
"*Gasp* You made me bleed my own... no one makes me bleed my own blood!!!" screams the little man.
Later after the authorities have taken the Purple Cobras to gaol, Warren returns to the food court to make a shocking discovery.
"Streaky where we're you? I thought you promised Supes that you'd" Warren pauses cause stoned out of his mind on catnip is Streaky.
'Hey dude. How's it hangin'?' says the stoned super-cat.
Just as our hero is about to chastise Streaky he's interrupted by a brick.
"People think just because I have a telekinetic shield and I can't be hurt, they can throw anything at me. Thats the third time this week some kids thrown a brick at me." he complains.
'Warren there's sumpin tied to the brick, dude!' slurs Streaky.
Who is the strange Mr C and what does he want with Crater.
"Man is that Narrator always statin' the obvious?" asks the still stoned super-cat.

Later at the meting place set by Mr C.
'Its a trap Warren. You do know that?" questions the catnip addict. "Hey I'm not an addict I'm in total control. I can stop whenever I want to."
"Are you sure?" questions Warren who dangles a small plastic bag in front of the super-cat.
'Mmmmmm! Catnip, delicious Catnip. Precioussssss' salivates the adicted super-cat. Who slowly reaches up his paws towards the bag of catnip. The with a quick flick of his wrist Warren sends the bag out into the middle of the alley.
"Oh dear!" exclaims Warren sarcasticly."Someones going to have to get it."
'No worry.I'll get it!' Streaky does as his name suggests and races out into the open and deserted alley. Carefully he opens the plastic bag.
'This is just mint you tease!' he accuses but suddenly.
"Get the cat if its here Crater can't be far behind." shouts someone. And the alley is filled with big guys with guns. They circle Streaky their guns aimed squarely at the cat of steel.
"C'mon out Crater or we'll kill your cat, squash him flat and make him a hat." rhymes the leader.
Crater emerges from his hiding place.
"Ok ok just don't shoot the cat, or squash him flat. And please please..... Streaky kick their asses and I'll give you some catnip."
"That doesn't rhyme?" complains the leader of the big guys. He doesn't get a reply as he's hit by a whirlwind of feline fury. Its over quickly. Streaky purrs and licks the blood off his paws on top of a pile of unconscious bodies.
'I do get something in return for this dirty work don't I?' questions Streaky quite pleased with himself.
"Sure!" replies Crater and throws Streaky his kitty narcotic.

Elsewhere in Salt Lake City someone is planning our heroes doom.
"Look at that stupid Australian little does he know the plans I have for him. Bwhahahahahaha!" laughs the villain in the shadows where can only see that he's not very tall.
"'Little does he know' Thats funny boss." chuckles one of the henchmen.
"Why do you think its funny?" questions the villain in the shadows.
"Cause you know little does he know the plans you have for him. And your not so tall aren't you boss." explains the henchman."Observation humor. You know like Sienfeld."
"Observation. Humor. Well then observe this!" screams the little villain as he shoots the henchman in the head.
"Let that be a lesson to the rest of you. Bwhahahahahahahaha!" laughs the diminutive villain.

Elsewhere Crater is trying to find out some information of the mysterious Mr C.
"So you don't know anything about Mr C Orgazmo?" sums up Crater.
"Nope. I only fight Neutered-Man, its a struggle that the Lord has given me." replies the pink clad super-morman.
The disappointment continues for our hero as he goes from source to source trying to find out who Mr C is.

When he arrives back at his base of operations he finds something not quite right.
"Okay the doors broken in. There's only two answers, Streaky's found where I hid the catnip or..." pauses our hero as he bravely walks into his dingy motel room. In the shadows a small figure stands.
"Mr C if I'm right." concludes Crater.
"Yes its me and if you'd just put your hands up we'll get on with your execution." The figure raises an automatic rifle and steps out of the shadows to reveal.
"Gary Coleman!" says Crater stunned. "Hahahahahahahahahahahaha! Your hahaha! the hahahahaha BIG Mr C. Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Sigh!"
"Laugh it up Aussie eat hot lead." the small child star fires repeatedly at our hero.
"As buggs bunny would say. No more buh-wets." lisps our hero. He walks confidently up to the ex-child star. "I got a telekinetic aura. Means bullets don't hurt ugh!" Our hero is knocked over from behind.
"Oh I know about your abilities. I also know there's only one animal who can take you down." Gary smiles.
'Sorry Crater its nothing personal its just business.' apolgises Streaky.
"What! How did this happen?" complains Crater.
"Oh you showed me in the alley your Achilles heel. I just made Streaky and offer he couldn't refuse." Gary still smiles. "Streaky take out the white-trash."
Oh no the agony. The sheer horror. Our hero is being put out by the cat.
When suddenly the plot twists in the favor of justice.
Rrrrrrrooowwwww! groans the cat of steel.
"Oooooo!" moans the evil midget.
"Who? How? Gee they're both smiling." comments Crater curiously. He turns to see standing in the door."Orgazmo. Thanks...I think."
"Hey if we heroes don't stick together, evil will have its hands on the joystick of doom." concludes Orgazmo."
"Yeah. Sure." agrees our hero.
With the city saved and the cat of steel revealed as an evil pussy-cat, we bid you all goodbye.


Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

I fight demons and vampires and you need saving from a midget with a machine gun by a Morman porn star. I guess we all rise to our own level, right?


Crater said...

yeah but mine was more fun. You should the after party Orgazmo throws.

Crater said...

oh and I had to deal with an evil super-cat

Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

Is there anything more evil than an evil super cat?

Crater said...

Yes super-cats are evil.