Friday, September 21, 2007

Great Balls of Finals

I get there and I'm told that the whole final is being televised. There are interviews and I'm going to be wired up so that everything I do can be seen and heard.

Then there's Bizarro.
"Me am not happy you here." he begins "Me shamed by this race. It be bad day for Bizarro-world. Me wish you bad luck."

The crowd boos.

I'm at the start telling myself to get on with it. And in my ear I hear two voices.

"He really wants this Chief." says one to the other.
"Yeah he wants this as much an addict needs crack." says the other one called the Chief.

"Who are you guys?" I snap.

"Its Joe Strawberry and Lyle Big Chief O'Halloran. We're the commentators of this final. Your fully wired up, we can hear you and you can hear us." explains Joe.
"Chief here Crater you reckon you can beat Faces?" asks the Chief.
"Look I'm gonna give it a red hot go, pull out all the stops, y'know." I never realised that on the spot you really do answer in cliche's.
"So Chief, Crater looks like he's rip-roaring and ready?" illiterates Joe.
"He seems to have his head in the right place Joe. And remember half this game is ninety percent mental." comments the Chief.

The race starts. I get going.
"And there off!" Joe tells the blind viewers.
"And here comes the trash Joe!" shouts the Chief in excitement.

"Huh! What trash?" I look up and there up in the windows of the buildings are thousands of bizarro people throwing their garbage at me. I turn on my telekinetic aura which makes me nigh indistructable and the garbage just bounces off it. But the garbage changes as I race up the street. They start throwing books. I grab one. Its a trashy romance novel I remember my Mum reading.
"They're throwing romance novels!" says Joe stating the obvious.

"No not entirely." I contradict. "I just passed a copy of Dianetics. And there's the entire Spider-man clone saga."
"Was that a DVD of Daredevil staring Ben Affleck you just stomped on Crater?" asks Chief.
"Yes." I answer
"If you see Ben Affleck do the same eh?" asks the Chief.

Then all of the sudden there's a scream for help.

"Oh no! Its Jackie Collins they've thrown her out as well." cries Joe.
"Crater better save her or his rep as a hero is sunk." says the Chief.

The Chief was right. Also my Mum would never forgive me if I didn't save her favorite novelist.
I catch her easily. Jackie gives me a thank you kiss.
"Oh and there's a thank you kiss from the prolific novelist." comments Joe.
"Thats nothing!" downplays the Chief. "You should've seen the hicky she gave me back in '83."

As I continue up the street to the portal which will take me to the Alternate Universe, the trash changes. And I hear more cries from above.
"Oh no its raining white trash. Can Crater save them all?" asks Joe rhetohrically
"Joe the real question here is, should he save them." answers the Chief.
I catch Brittany, Lindsay and Kid Rock but I'm too late to save Pamella Anderson. She hits the ground face first and bounces straight back up and lands gently on her feet.
"Who'd have thought breasts had more than two uses." comments the Chief.
"There's more than one?" questions Joe.

After all of that I make it to the portal. I get through and standing in front of me doesn't look like me at all.

"Holy sex-change! Craters a she in this universe." remarks Joe.
"Honestly Joe if there was a hot version of me I'd tap that." adds the Chief.

"So your called Crater?" She asks me the same time I ask her.
"You first." I say.
"Wendy." she tells me slightly smiling.
"Warren." I reply. Then she throws a high kick at my head. I dodge it walk inside the kick and go to punch her in the face. My hand rebounds off her telekinetic aura. It puts me off balance and Wendy just pushes me over.
"Forgot about the telekinetic aura didn't you?" Wendy smiles standing over me. I grab her legs with mine and roll she joins me on the ground.
"Nice to see you at my level." I tell her. I get on top quickly.
"Wrestlings a good idea." comments the Chief."Warren's heavier than Wendy the odds favor him in a wrestle."
"Yeah and Wendy looks like she prefers being on top." adds Joe.
"Women like that?" asks the Chief.
"Get off me!" spits Wendy. She writhes desperately under my significant weight advantage.
"Say Uncle?" I taunt.
"Never!" yells Wendy and her knee finds my manhood. I wince a bit but I'm OK.
"What are you a Eunuch?" she asks, amazed that I'm not writhing around in pain.
"Box. Never fight crime without it." I tell her.

"For our American audience a box is a cup, an abdominal protector." informs Joe.
"A box? Its not square." questions the Chief.

"You don't put you balls in a cup Chief. And if you do I'm never drinking at your house." I tell him.

"Who are you talking too God?" asks Wendy.
"God would be less annoying." I reply. "So I win?"
"Yes." she growls.

"And its over fans." announces Joe. "Our boy got through the trash, won the fight. All we need to wait on is the final decision."
"Gee this changes everything, I've never seen it that way before." says the Chief. "Women like being on top."


Jan the Intergalactic Aviator said...

Ugh, you people voted me off for this?

Enjoy it, you reap what you sow.

Crater said...

C'mon Jan admit it. You just like being on top.

Skywalker said...

LOL! Good one, Crater.