Jan: The Spanker

The Spanker? What the frell?

I don’t think that I even want to know.

If he even touches me.

Ugh.

What kind of a pervert is Superman trying to fix me up with? First, those jerks at the House Depot and now this. This is not even funny.

Frack.

Suddenly an unusually-dressed man peered around the corner at me. I looked back at him and he quickly disappeared only leap out and take a heroic stance in front of me.

“Ha ha!” he laughed heartily. “I am…. the Spanker!”

“Don’t touch me,” I warned him immediately.

“Are you an evildoer, troublemaker, lowlife, villain, rogue, blackguard, scourge, scofflaw, or scoundrel?”

“Ah no,” I replied.

“Then I am very pleased to meet you.” He extended his hand. “I am… the Spanker!”

“Heh, I’m Jan the Intergalactic Aviator,” I shook his hand warily. “So what’s the plan for today?”

“We’re going on patrol! We will walk among our fellow men and stop evil where it starts!” he cried.

“Where?”

“In the streets!” He gestured out towards a vague nothingness.

Soon we were walking down the busy Metropolis street. People were definitely staring at us, but the Spanker obliviously smiled and waved at everyone who walked past.

“Hello citizen,” he saluted at a man in a business suit and fedora. “Good morning madam.”

The woman quickly walked past.

“You see,” he started to explain. “when you are here among the people, you can feel where the trouble is! Not up there among the clouds and gods, but down here, where the seedy underbelly of a thriving city murmurs like an angry calf.”

“Of course,” I agreed. If I just go along with this, it will soon be all over.

The Spanker felt a light pole, then moved over to a building and caressed the bricks of the wall.

“Tactile,” he said while holding his cheek close. “I feel, I sense, I live.”

“Uh huh.”

“There is…” he paused. “A robbery in progress. Quickly, we must give aid!”

Before I could reply, the Spanker dashed across the street to a jewelry store. He lined himself up to the side of the door and just as a masked robber crashed through it, the Spanker swatted the man on his behind.

“Ahh!” the felon tumbled to the ground, his bag full of expensive jewelry and gems tumbled to the sidewalk as well. “No, no! It’s the Spanker! Don’t spank me, Spanker! Please!”

“You are a criminal and must be punished.” The hero wagged his finger. “Your day of atonement is this very day!”

The Spanker hauled the man to his feet, the swatted him once more, sending the criminal sprawling against a mailbox where he collapsed whimpering. Police quickly ran up to the man and hauled him away.

“That was… interesting,” I said. “I have to admit, your methods are quite unorthodox, but they sure do work.”

“Of course, Jan the Intergalactic Aerator,” he smiled and gave a friendly salute. “All in a day’s work for your Friendly Community the Spanker!”

“It’s Aviator,” I replied.

“What?”

“You called me Jan the Intergalactic Aerator,” I said. “It’s not Aerator, it’s Aviator.”

“Of course, citizen,” he dismissed me with a wave. “Let us now continue our patrol.”

Our patrol resumed and the Spanker continued his M.O. of “feeling” a crime and dealing out justice with a paddling to the perpetrator’s posterior. We stopped a mugging and two attempted robberies this way, but then our patrol took us down a shady residential street.

“Ah, smell the air!” Spanker took a big sniff. “Smells like… justice!” Spanker felt up a tree until he paused again. “Aha! Trouble!”

“What is it?” I asked, but Spanker was already bounding down the sidewalk.

“Oh please, can you help me, mister?” a little old lady hobbled up to him. “Mr. Whiskers is stuck up in the tree.”

“Have no fear, ma’am,” the Spanker smiled. “I’ll take care of this.”

The Spanker clambered up the side of the tree until he was just beneath the mewing cat.

“Do not worry, Mr. Whiskers, this shall hurt me more than it hurts you.” The Spanker took a swing and smacked the feline right on its butt. The cat yelped and sailed through the air right into the old lady’s arms.

“Oh I don’t know how to thank you,” she smiled. “You are such a kind man.”

“All in a day’s work, ma’am,” the Spanker acknowledged.

“And your girlfriend there is quite a catch as well,” she continued.

“But I’m not—”

“The fine, raven hair,” the old lady smiled. “Those nice pert breasts, those round, tight buttocks.”

“Now now, don’t make me spank you for getting too randy in public,” the Spanker wagged his finger at her.

“Oh yes, of course,” she blushed slightly.

“Wait! Trouble! Let us go, Jan the Intergalactic Orator!” He dashed down the sidewalk.

“It’s not Orator!” I yelled while chasing him.

“Halt!” he called out. “You there, young fellow!”

“What, man?” the guy replied.

“You are in violation of the law,” the Spanker stated. “The City of Metropolis, municipal code states clearly that you may not cross the street except at a marked intersection.”

“What?” the guy looked confused.

“You jaywalked. Prepare to be spanked.”

Before the civilian could protest, the Spanker slammed an open palm into his rump. The man stumbled forward and collapsed to the ground whimpering.

“Wait, wait!” I interrupted. “You can’t spank him for jaywalking!”

“I am the Spanker, that’s what I do.”

“Yeah, but jaywalking?” I said. “That’s like nothing. This isn’t even a busy street or anything. He was just crossing the street to get to his car or something.”

“The law is the law,” the Spanker insisted. “Those who flout the decent conventions of society must pay for their transgressions. Isn’t that why you became a hero?”

“Ah no, I did it for the money,” I shrugged.

“Using your powers for material gain? Oh for shame,” he shook his head. “You are as bad as my arch nemesis the Behinder, Jan the Intergalactic Vindicator.”

“It’s Aviator!” I yelled. “A-Vee-A-Tor, you dumbass!”

“Citizen, I must warn you that you are in violation of this city’s anti-obscenity laws,” the Spanker stated. “If you continue in this manner, I will have no choice but to spank you.”

“You’re going to spank me?” I snorted. “Well then bring it, buster, because I’m about to bust your ass.”

“Jan the Intergalactic Freighter, you are clearly in violation of Metropolis anti-obscenity and noise pollution laws,” the hero warned. “If you do not cease your current behavior, you will leave me no choice but to take action.”

“You stupid, ignorant, frelling, fracking, moronic fricking idiot!” I yelled. “What is your major malfunction? Didn’t your momma give you enough attention, you stupid piece of brain pus?”

“Since my parents were needlessly hit with paddles by the devious criminals of this city when I was but a young lad, I have sworn to use my powers only for good,” the Spanker replied in his distinctive staccato delivery. “And it is not a vow that I have taken lightly. I have warned you!”

The Spanker wound up his hand to deliver a fierce spanking, but as he swung, I slipped to the side and grabbed his thumb. I twisted it and the Walloping Warrior was quickly brought to his knees whimpering.

“Say it,” I growled.

“Whu-what?” he cried.

“Say ‘Spank me,’” I answered.

“Whu-What?”

“I said say it!”

“S-spank me,” he sobbed quietly.

I socked him right in the jaw and he dropped to the ground unconscious.