Jan gets a super pet

I looked down at my new super pet.

It looked up at me.

I looked at it.

It looked at me.

“So what are you supposed to be?” I asked.

“I’m Super Cat!” it exclaimed.

“You mean like Streaky?” I asked.

“Well, no not really.” The cat then shook, then sneezed and sent hair everywhere.

“Well that certainly was a disgusting display,” I sniffed. “So what is your – ah… ah-choooo!”

I couldn’t believe it. I don’t usually sneeze like that. That was some sneeze.

“I have super dander,” the cat shrugged sheepishly.

“I can’t believe that I’m training a fracking cat,” I said. “One that makes me – Achoooo!”

“Sorry,” the cat mewed.

“Hold on just one second.” I held up my index finger, then dashed off to see Superman. “Excuse me, uh, Superman. I know you’re busy laughing at our misery and all, but I have a question for you.”

“Yes, what is it, Jan?” Superman asked. Wow, he’s got muscles! I mean, he’s no Blockade Boy, but he’s a good looking man. I kind of like ‘em a little more cerebral though, you know like a writer or something. Too bad, huh? Hah hah.

“Well, I’m having a slight issue with my super pet over there,” I said. “He seems nice and all and I appreciate the fact that he seems to speak English very well, it’s just that…”

“Yes?”

“Well, he makes me sneeze,” I tried to sound all innocent and pure. I don’t think he’s buying it. He’s totally looking at me skeptically.

“I’m afraid that’s the pet that you were issued, Jan,” Superman crossed his arms in front of his chest and shrugged a bit. “Those are the rules. I can’t go around giving everyone a new pet because of some minor inconvenience. You see what I’m saying?”

“Of course,” I said. “It’s just that—Achooo! Wow, that was—Achoooo!”

“Those were some strong sneezes,” Superman said. “Are you all right?”

“Sure,” I sniffed. I could feel my eyes getting all itchy and my nose stuffing up. “I can’t beliebe dat deh cat is affectig me like dis.”

“Perhaps Super Cat’s super dander power is stronger than I anticipated,” Superman mulled. “I’ll tell you what. There’s one more super pet over there. Why don’t you go check him out?”

“Oh dank do, dank do,” I smiled, then rushed over to see what was there.

What I saw wasn’t any better.

“What the frack are you?” I asked.

“I’m Toto the Monkeyboy,” he sang. “And watch your language lady gal. I’m not used to hanging out with you sailors.”

“So you’re a monkeyboy. How did you get here?” I asked. “I thought Earth was safe, er, I thought that there was a galactic embargo on this planet.”

“Oh sure there is, my super doop duper super heroine lady,” he bounced up and down. “I just gradu-ma-lated from the Monkekbok Institute for Training Sidekicks and this is my summer internship-a-dip!”

Man this thing is annoying. “So what do you do? What’s your super power?”

“Oh, well Suzie, like all monkeyboys I have a vaguely-defined super duper super swell morphic ability that allows me to turn into other stuff.”

“Stuff?” I asked. “Like useful stuff? I mean, if I need a rifle or a hydrospanner, you could turn into one?”

“Nuh uh, Jin-Jin the Pretty Engine,” he shook his head. “I can only morph into something funny!”

“Something funny?”

“Right-o, cheerio!”

“And by who’s definition of funny?”

“Mine, of course, you silly Bob. That’s where all my training at the MIT-S comes in! Goes out! Comes in! Come on down!”

“So how do I train you to use this power?” I asked. I think I’m going to regret this.

“I dunno, go go yo yo,” Toto shrugged. “But if I’m your sidekick, imagine all the fun super crazy adventures we’d have! Say, you got a banana?”

“No, I don’t have a banana,” I answered. “Where am I going to keep a banana in this outfit?”

“Gee I dunno, what do I look like your costume design-gineer? All I know is, I gotta have a banana. Right now, man. I’m gettin’ the shakes, and I don’t mean a banana shake, shake shake shake it, honey bunny funny runny!”

“I said that I don’t have one.”

“Aw come on gone lawn, can’t you see I’m jonesin’ for a banana?” He overdramatically threw himself to the ground, then picked himself up again. “You got anything? A plantain? Anything? I just gotta---hulp!”

From out of nowhere, my Komodo dragon snapped up the monkeyboy in his powerful jaws and started eating away at the obnoxious alien.

“Oh this smarts!” Toto yelled. “I tell you, this is a pain that’s going to linger!”

The dragon continued to chomp away as the monkeyboy howled in displeasure.

“Wow, I’m serious,” Toto said. “This pain is something else! Wow, this is worse than sitting through Norbit! Gah!”

The dragon finished devouring the creature, looked at me with almost a satisfied look on his face, and then let out a loud burp.

“Oh dragon,” I leaned down and hugged him and he gurgled happily in response. “You can be my super pet. I think I’ll call you Bitey!”