Jan: It's A Noir Day

I was sitting alone in my office late at night. The room smelled of old whiskey and stale cigarettes, but mostly it smelled of failure. I crushed one more cigarette butt into the already full glass ashtray and poured myself one more shot.

My name’s O’Mega, Jan O’mega. I’m a private eye, but apparently not a very good one right now. Sure taking peepshow shots of cheating husbands will pay a few bills, but it’s not enough for a down payment to get my soul back.

I lifted the glass and gave a quiet toast to nobody in particular when he walked in. All six foot one of him.

“My name is John Crichton, an astronaut. I’m looking for a dick,” he said as I looked him over. Wow, he had legs that went all the way up and then back down again.

“A lot of people are,” I answered huskily as I put the shot glass and flask in my desk drawer – the same drawer that contains my only friend, all .38 calibers of him.

“I mean I need help,” he sauntered close to me. The flashing from the hotel sign outside bathed his face in a red glow. Off and on, off and on it would flash.

“Of course,” I replied. He was trouble all right, I could tell. He might have been trouble, but he was also in trouble.

“I’m missing a friend.” He held up a picture. She was gorgeous, with thick dark hair and gams that would make a priest beg for buttermilk.

“Just a friend, eh?” Something smells fishy, and it ain’t the JJ Fish Market down the street.

“Yeah, she’s a friend. Her name’s Aeryn Sun.” He leaned closer and I could smell the mint on his breath. I could also smell the desperation. What’s the mint covering? What is he covering? “Last I heard, she was talking about the return of the King. She knew something about it and I think it scared her. Scared her bad.”

“Yeah, well yah got any leads?” As much as I’d like to sit there and look at his baby blues all night, I’m going to need something to go on if I can find his pally.

“Yeah, last night she said to meet me at the roof of the parking garage across from Club Flamingo. It’s in Chinatown, you know where it is?”

“Does a pig roll in its own filth?”

“Uh, I dunno,” he shrugged.

“Yeah,” I snapped back at him. “Yeah I know where it is. I’ll go there and look for clues. How do I get in touch with you?”

“Don’t worry,” he smiled a cocky, crooked smile. “I’ll be in touch with you.”

I watched his hips sway as he turned and glided out the door. “Damn,” I shook my head and reached for one more belt of whiskey.

* * *

The dark street glistened from the recent rainstorm as a lone taxi drove past, nearly splashing me from a puddle.

“Hey watchit!” I yelled. Then muttered under my breath “Wiseass.”

Thinking about how nice retirement would be right now, I trotted across the street and up into the parking garage. There was an out of order sign hanging from the elevator, so I hoofed it up to the top of the garage. All 6 flights. I got to the roof and as I crunched across its surface, something caught my eye. I bent down to pick up a scrap of paper and read the inscription on it. TheKing@curuscant.gov.

“Interesting.” I nodded thoughtfully.

“I’ve got a message from the King,” A voice behind me said.

I turned and looked. Before I could say anything else, the man yelled and fired wildly at me with his Tommy gun.

I dove for cover behind a convenient air conditioning unit, when the din of his weapon ceased, I strained to see who fired at me.

“I couldn’t hear what that message was,” I yelled out. “Can you say it again without all that noise?”

I looked around the corner but didn’t see him there at all.

“I said you’re snoopin’ where you shouldn’t be,” the man said from behind me as he tapped my shoulder with the barrel his weapon. “The King doesn’t like people like you sniffing around his business.”

“This King,” I said without moving a muscle. “He from around here?”

“Not hardly,” the gunman laughed. “He’s from a place far away. Far, far away.”

“So what’s he doing around here, then?” I asked. If I could get him to keep yapping, I just might get out of here alive.

“Let’s just say he likes weapons,” he chuckled. “The bigger, the better.”

“Yeah, but why would the King want to come all the way here if he’s got a whole galaxy of weapons and tech to choose from?” Keep it steady, girl.

“Who said he does?” he laughed. “Besides. Everyone there thinks he’s dead. He wants to return with a big bang. A really big bang.”

Quickly, I spun my heel and knocked the gun from his hand. He growled as I spun again and sprung to my feet. He lunged at me, but I popped him in the jaw for his effort.

“Heh, nice,” he smiled as he rubbed his jaw. “You got one, that’s the only one you’re gonna get.”

“Let’s do this, tubby,” I egged. Maybe I can get him mad, mad enough to make a mistake.

“Why you dirty whore!” Evidently my plan worked as he swung wildly at me again. I could hear cartilage crack as I punched him in the nose.

He stumbled back and tumbled over the wall of the roof. Yelling for his life, he just managed to grab a handhold to prevent his fall. I dove to grab him.

“I thought the King was dead,” I growled as I tried to haul him up. “Where is he?”

“Ha ha, you are a stupid bitch,” he sneered. “You’ll soon find out!”

He grabbed me by the neck and squeezed. I could taste iron on my tongue as white spots began to dance in front of my eyes. He began to haul himself up on his other arm as he continued to choke me from this unusual position. I was about to collapse, but I managed to grab his thumb and gain leverage on it. I peeled his claw off my neck.

“See you in Hel,” I gurgled, then punched him in the eye, sending him plummeting six stories to the wet street below. As I leaned on the wall to steady myself, I heard a woman scream. Several people then ran up to the gunman’s body and began looking up the side of the building.

* * *

Hoping to avoid the rubberneckers on the street, I ducked into the alley after I got back down to ground level. Unfortunately, I wasn’t alone.

“Are you Jan O’Mega?” A voice rumbled deeply from the shadows.

“Who wants to know?”

“Call me,” he paused for effect. “Deep Throat.”

“Deep Throat? Ew, that’s so gross. What is it with you creeps?”

“No, not like Deep Throat as in the movie,” he answered. “Deep Throat like from Watergate. I’m here to give you information.”

“Whatever, perv.”

“I’m serious,” his deep voice insisted. “I have all the info, there is a conspiracy and it reaches to large group of important and influential figures on this planet.”

“Oh, you mean like the Illuminati?” I answered. “What’s it to them?”

“Not the Illuminati.” I could see cigarette smoke wafting from where his mouth most likely was. “But I must warn you, it’s deep and it if you blow the cover off this. Six. A lot of important people will go down.”

“Why did you just say six?” I asked.

“What? I didn’t,” he insisted. But then I saw his shadowy head move around distractedly, as if something only he could see was just off his shoulder guiding his words. “Six? No, no, I certainly didn’t say that. Truly.”

“Right,” I said. Then I reached out and grabbed him by the shoulders and hauled him into the light. “You! Wait, who are you?”

“All right, fine,” he straightened himself out and held up a picture. “I’m Dr. Gaius Baltar and I’m looking for my sister. Six.”

“Your sister’s name is Six?” I asked. “Funny, I just talked to a friend of hers who said her name was Aeryn Sun.”

“Sun, Sun,” he stammered. “That’s her name. The thing is, I know where she is, but I can’t get to her. Six!”

“Is she far?”

“Six,” he said, then he cleared his throat. “Six hectares.”

“The only thing that’s six hectares away is the moon.”

“You got something that can get there?”

“Yeah, I’ve got something,” I said with a smile.

* * *

The Pegasus Elite roared through the skies heading towards the moon. Baltar was sitting in the copilot seat twitching and muttering to himself. I couldn’t trust him, not by a long shot. That’s why he was sitting there next to me.

“There!” he exclaimed. “On the Dark Side of the moon!”

“Is that another moon?” I couldn’t believe it.

“That’s no moon,” he gasped. “That’s a battle station.”

“And it’s got us,” I said as a tractor beam latched onto my ship and hauled us into the belly of this giant beast.

After my ship’s landing gear clanged to the deck, I got up and casually walked out of my ship. Baltar followed nervously.

“You think it’s safe?” he twittered.

“Nope,” I replied. “But all of the answers are here.”

We stepped onto the deck and found ourselves face to face with a dozen Imperial Stormtroopers.

“Looks like quite a party,” I mumbled. “So who’s gonna take us to the host?”

“Tell me one good reason why you shouldn’t be shot right where you stand?” an officer said as he stalked up to us.

“Because I know about the Return of the King,” I bluffed.

The officer stopped short and turned to speak into his commlink.

“OK, he will see you,” the officer answered after a moment.

I looked surprised at Baltar and he looked the same back at me. We followed the officer into the lift though, and soon found ourselves crossing a short catwalk into a throne room and facing a cloaked figure. He was flanked by armed guards as well as Aeryn Sun.

“What do you know of the Return of the King?” he spat.

“I guess he’s making a comeback,” I shrugged. “Funny, I thought he was dead.”

“Oh I am afraid you are mistaken,” he sneered back. “About a great, many things.”

“So why Earth?” I pressed. “I’d imagine this is a long way to go for just a few nukes. I’d imagine you could get those just about anywhere.”

“You really don’t know do you?” The contempt in his voice filled the throne room. “I don’t want crude nuclear weapons, I want something more. Illudium Phosdex!”

“Illudium what?” I asked.

“Isn’t that the shaving cream atom?” Baltar added.

“Oh it is that, and so much more,” the King sneered. “These puny people don’t understand the destructive power that they hold in their very hands, that’s why I’ve contacted the captains of the industry of this planet: Tony Stark, Bruce Wayne, Lex Luthor… they will all sell me their world’s supply of shaving cream and I will dominate my galaxy with it!”

“And what’s her stake in this?” I said, indicating to Aeryn.

“I go where the action is,” she replied coolly.

“You know you’ve got someone looking for you,” I answered.

“Really?” she replied with a bit of surprise. She quickly regained her composure. “I don’t care.”

“Yeah well, maybe my bank account cares,” I answered. “Maybe I care. Maybe all the kids down there on that planet care. You got a kid?”

“Yes,” she answered quietly. Her lips quivered a bit. “John and I…”

“It doesn’t matter,” the King snarled. “This galaxy doesn’t matter, that thing you called a husband doesn’t matter! All that matters is that I get back to my galaxy with the Illudium Phosdex!”

“Alright, that’s it!” one of the red armored guards growled. He swung his vibroblade at the other guard who fell down in a shower of sparks. The sentinel tore off his crimson mask, revealing himself to be Crichton, then pulled a pistol from his cloak and aimed it at the King. “Pruneface, you and I are gonna dance.”

“John!” Aeryn called out.

“Foolish human!” the King spat. “Your weapon is useless against me!”

Purple lighting reigned from the King’s fingertips and Crichton crumpled to the ground yelling in pain.

“Hold it, sucker!” I yelled as I pulled my own pistol.

“You will die next, interloper!” he spun a hand at me and lightning arced across the air and slammed into me. I fired a shot before I went down and it hit his shoulder. He stumbled but continued his onslaught against us.

“No!” Aeryn yelled. She lunged herself at the King and threw him over the railing. She collapsed as he plummeted screaming into the chasm below.

“Aeryn!” John yelled. He picked himself up and stumbled over to her.

“I’m sorry, baby,” she said as they embraced. “When I got word that he was planning something on Earth, I knew I had to go undercover and stop it.”

“It’s OK, it’s OK,” he replied softly. “We’re back together, that’s all that matters. Hail to the King, baby.”

The two kissed passionately as I picked myself up off the deck.

“Forget it Jan,” Baltar said as he helped me steady myself. “It’s Chinatown.”